These last few weeks have been rather tough. In fact I think it safe to say that these last few days in particular have downright stunk. Just when you think you have moved forward and have your head wrapped around things - BOOM - you wonder if you moved forward at all. So you took 3 steps forward - you just stepped into a new room filled with confusion and chaos.
D2 has a diagnosis of ADHD. Okay - got that. We have been seeing the therapist, psychiatrist, medicating... but what happens when suddenly that isn't enough? What happens when she isn't in the bounds of ADHD but instead you start seeing signs of something more? You put on your big girl panties and adapt - increase meds and move on. Right? Then just when you think you have things underway another BOOM. Now everything you have exausted yourself doing isn't enough anymore and you are left feeling like an empty juice box. All sucked up and crumbled on the floor with nothing left to give but this heaving, pathetic burst of air when someone tries to squeeze a little more.
Yup. That's me. Crumbled up with people still squeezing me and expecting what? I don't know.
Everyone is as perplexed as I about D2. No, I take that back - I am still more confused and concerned. I get brief updates from teachers and those in D2's life. "What's going on?, What can I do? Why is she...?" I look at them helpless and say "I don't know."
I found myself apologizing.
I'm sorry she isn't being still. I'm sorry she flips out when there are too many people in her space. I'm sorry that she is getting "very active".
Then I wanted to smack myself. The only thing to be sorry about is that I am spinning in circles looking for information and am on the slow boat to getting them. I am doing the best that a mom can do. Short of kidnapping the 'experts' and holding them hostage in my house until we have some answers and I have some direction.
I used to hate labels. But today I long for one. One that encompasses all the things that are going on for D2. One that will force the hands of others to help her be in an environment that will help her to thrive.
It's a tough road. Daily I wake up with my mind racing about the events ahead, does she know them, am I prepared for every possibility, is she? From 6:30 to 7:30 we struggle with things that should be as routine as breathing. Get up, brush hair, teeth, get dressed, eat, take pill, get to the bus... and try not to absolutely hate each other in the process. Most mornings I am numb when the girls get on the bus. Then I go about the day just to gear myself up for the afternoon and evening. Homework is often torture. Not because of the work, because of the effort required to complete the work.
D2 has been referred to a Psychologist for a full evaluation. Today was my appointment with the Dr. to talk about D2 and all she has going on with her. I spoke, the Dr asked some tough questions, and I left there with a mountain of paperwork.
Behavior assessment scales, Asperger scales, Autism rating scales, and 2 more behavior scales. There are papers for the teachers, and for D2 to answer about herself. Tough stuff.
The toughest part about this road we are on is the judgement. Some friends and family are very understanding and supportive. Others say nothing aloud, but their body language is loud and clear. I have to remind myself that NO one knows what it's like to be D2's mother & father better than D2's mother and father.
In 3 weeks, D2 will undergo a full battery of tests. In 5 weeks we will have answers to those tests. Today and tomorrow, I will remind myself to breathe. And to those that choose to judge anyway - well, my Christmas card list will just be a little shorter this year.
