Strength

Sometimes - there is only song.

deep breath

breathe.

Just trying to breathe is some days is to much. The effort to accomplish anything else seems wasted. Regardless of what is said or done, it will be wrong. Hopelessness is all that is felt. No. That's not true. Numbness. Completely numb. Either there is no fight left, or the realization that there is just no point in the fight. Even those that are closest feel like strangers. Those that understand and support begin vanishing. Vanishing from their lack of understanding or lack of caring, leaving emptiness and numbness.

Numbness and loneliness. At the same time they are both the most painful and damaging emotions that can be felt. The thoughts that creep into the mind are irrational, and yet so freeing.

Freedom. To break free from this being that has taken over - to revert back to the life that once was, before. Before seems so long ago. Nothing is left now but a carcass of what once was. A body that once housed laughter, joy, fun, and love.

Love. The very thing that has brought such brokenness. Loving too much. So much that it has caused the heart to break and the mind to isolate. Spiraling in a thought process battling what is logical against impulse.

Impulse. The energy that arrises to run. To break away. It all seems so easy - but then the logic kicks in. The love surfaces and then the mind engages. Reasoning to return, to stay, out of love. No matter how abusive and lonely. Love. Love that can never be measured. Love that makes logicial choices overpower impulse, despite of the loneliness. The isolation. The numbness.

Feeling Overwhelmed??

The whole parenting thing can be rather overwhelming at times. Parenting a neurotypical child has it's own challenges. D1 is 11 and it running head strong into puberty. The Horror-mones are full throttle and are enough to summon Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. One minute she is all about her momma and the next - she could burry me alive with her looks of disgust at knowing me.

The last few weeks with D2 have been extremely overwhelming. Her therapist sent me a message asking how I was doing because I looked exhausted. Really? Ya Think? Exhausted...yes, overwhelmed...yes. I think mostly defeated. I have been feeling incredibly lost, low, and empty. I feel like I am running out of options and nothing seems to be working. Basically like a total FAIL. During a rather intense meltdown with D2 on Tuesday evening, I sat down and emailed her therapist a frank email saying here we are - what now? He responded the following evening with an appointment time.

On my way I had visions of Child Services waiting to take me away. Or maybe the men in white coats. Maybe he would have a large fruity cocktail & a personal masseuse waiting for me in a back room? Okay he knows that would be a bad idea - because I may lock the door and never come out.

I poured out most of my frustrations. The ones surrounding D2. He listened, understood, and supported. He was very encouraging to my methods. Told me about some research that he was working on for our benefit. Assured me that although I don't see a huge golden nugget of validating success - I am a good mom. That Husband and I were doing a great job with D2 and the different, unpredictable, circumstances that we were presented with on a daily basis.

Did you know that 85% of parents with Special Needs children divorce? That's a lot. I can understand why & how. It's so very taxing on a marriage. Not for reasons you might think. I find it interesting that this is a topic that is not talked about on may of the forums and books that I read. It's almost the unspoken secret - that if we pretend that it isn't so - then it isn't so.

I married the most amazing man to walk into my life. He was the first to show me what true unconditional love was about. Having a child with Autism, has not broken us - it has made us stronger. Sure we struggle. But it's a struggle that is one of exhaustion. We each become frustrated seeing the other become frustrated. Some nights when things are so intense with D2, we often have nothing left for each other. We find ourselves numb. Distraught. We are so emotionally spent that we have nothing left for each other. Learning to turn our emotions off and on is a tough thing. If you detach yourself from the drama - you begin to feel cold - and that doesn't seem like good parenting. When things are tough and your heart is wounded - the last thing I want to do is throw on a smile for my husband. How can I be a good wife when I feel like a total fail as a mother and a woman?

Happiness is...

friendship.
friends that know you better than you know yourself.
friends that can listen to you and never judge.
friends that you can go without talking to for days and pick up where you left off.
friends that can answer the phone and know by your tone what you're really feeling.
friends that laugh with you before you even realize you should be laughing.
friends that let you blow things out of proportion and help you gain perspective.
friends that know how crazy you are about your man even when he's driving you crazy.
friends that call just so they don't have to clean their toilets in silence.
friends that cry with you - cause they just love you that much.
friends that are true enough to let you know when you are being unrealistic.
friends will laugh with you so much, your cheeks hurt - miles apart - over something simple.
friends can sit beside you - in silence - and enjoy just being together.
friends can make you feel like the world is yours in the lonely times.

friends come and go. Some go, leaving you wondering what ever happened. Some stick around forever leaving you humbled and wondering why.

Today, I am so very thankful for my friends. The pure Joy they bring to my day. The laughter they share. Making me a better person, just by being in my life.

Thank you friends. I love you.

Getting ripped off by nosebleeds

Autism is a tricky thing. You go through your day and don't think much about autism until something that makes no logical sense happens and you think "what in the world.." and then you do a head smack and remember - ah THAT's Autism.

Just yesterday D2 pointed out that her legs were becoming rather hairy. She has been asking for some time to shave. After all, her sister has been shaving her legs and so she should be able to shave as well, right?

So, we sat on the side of the tub, I explained about getting her legs wet and then lathering up with the cream. Who would have thought about the sensory implications of shaving? Not me. Not at first. I was quickly reminded as her voice quivered and she began to fidget. Inside I was thinking wow, this is just with the cream, this is only going to get worse.

Then came the razor. She did okay - after we got over the 'tickle', no the 'pain', no guess it isn't pain, it's 'pressure'.

It was the longest I have ever labored over shaving. EVER! I think it could have been transformed into a short story - "Shaving with Autism". I can not wait till we start shaving armpits. (much sarcasm)

After our shaving fun, this conversation ennsued, reminding me once again that D2 was a child with autism.

D2: "did the people that worked in the World Trade Center get nosebleeds often?"

me: "I don't understand what your getting to"

D2: "Well, the high seats in the football stadium are called 'nose bleed seats' cause they are so high. The World Trade Center was even higher...so did those people get nose bleeds?"

me: "'Nose bleed seats' are only an expression - you don't actually GET a nose bleed"

D2: "I HATE expressions!!".....(thoughtful looks) "SO, just because you sit in a 'nosebleed' section, that doesn't mean you get a nosebleed?"

me: "no, not a guarantee"

D2: "What a ripoff!!!"

After watching clips from the Temple Grandin movie, D2 has started a journal. "me and autism" She wrote later that night, "Apparently when you sit in the nosebleed section, you don't really get a nosebleed. I feel kind of ripped of about this."

Ah the life of being literal.