The countdown has begun and soon school will be over and Summertime will be upon us! I can't wait. I was so optimistic at the beginning of the year, but then things changed. Now we are just getting through.
I have the two year itch. Feel like we should be moving. In the past 14 years we have moved 7 times. So to be staying put seems a bit unsettling. It doesn't help that things at school are winding down and the dynamics of certain friendships are dwindling. I seem to find myself in these situations where everything is going fine with friends and then suddenly something changes and it just becomes awkward and I am not quite sure why. I guess it falls under the friends for a season category?
I like getting to know people. Some I hit it off with, others not so much, but that's okay. Some people I get to know a little to well. I see how they treat others and then when I get that treatment I kick myself. It makes things clear, and I then realize that I have been too open with my life and begin to feel like a fool. So, a good lesson in privacy. New friendships form out of the blue and life goes on.
My goal is to simplify. Simplify life. Enjoy the little things, celebrate the small stuff, and end each day knowing that time was used well. I look forward to spending time with the girls this summer. Building a stronger relationship with them. Today is so beautiful outside and I couldn't be happier sitting outside, loving the soft breeze, and relaxing with the girls. Now if only someone would come over here and cook dinner. THAT would make the day perfect.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The down side
Last week we went on a family vacation with very close friends of ours. The are the kind of friends that only exist on sitcoms. Where the husbands, wives, and children all get along with each other. Really get along. We are the next best thing to family. Given some of our family experiences, I could say better than family. There is no judgement, only love and understanding. Neither of us have the answers to all life's problems and neither of us pretend that we do. It' truly a Divine friendship that began over 10 years ago in a small town in Italy.
So what is the down side I am referring to? Well, not the friends, not the children, but the fact that my daughter has Asperger's and all the things that define her as an Aspie were in our face all week long. There were many variables that contributed to the increased struggles. Change of routine, well more aptly a lack of routine, and constant social interactions. D1 and our friends two daughters are like the three stooges. They play together very well. D1 takes charge and they follow her like little lemmings. They will play together for hours, something that D2 is incapable of doing. There were many times when D2 would become overwhelmed and just leave the situation upset. Sometimes she would stay and argue. D1 knows how this works, she is used to her sister and knows her struggles, but this week she seemed to have forgotten all those things. I constantly heard complaints about D2. "When she doesn't get her way she leaves". "I was kidding and she got all mad". "She said I was making mean faces but I wasn't". "She always has to sit on the end and have her own space".
This made me realize just how much she struggles socially. If there was ever any doubt about the need for therapy in her life - last week cured all those doubts. I found myself constantly in a state of apologizing. Adding to my feeling of failure as her mother. Then the biggest moment - the most piercing comment "I know that D2 has somethings going on with her, but I just wish she could be normal so everyone would stop fighting." Wow. This lil angel did not intend her words to be mean or hurtful They were exactly how she felt. How many of us felt at any given moment, but wouldn't dare speak out loud. Just hearing these words through her tears made my heart stop, my through tighten, and at that moment I couldn't breathe. I wanted to scream out "I wish she could be normal too!" "I wish that little things like personal space, and flexibility, and food, and bowel movements were not issues." Instead, I left the room. I had to remove myself as far away as I could. I wanted to leave the house and just walk until I was too tired to walk anymore. I made it to the top deck of the beach house and curled up in a chair and sobbed. I sobbed like a small child, crying out to God asking why it had to be so hard. Why did it have to hurt so much to have a child who to those who don't understand seems like a spoiled brat. This child who is amazing in so many ways has to struggle with such simple things that come naturally to her peers. I felt ungrateful. I know that there are children on the Autism Spectrum that are not as high functioning as D2, parents who have children with disabilities far worse, and knew that God had chosen just the right parents for them. I had to believe that God also chose Husband and I for D2. And she for us. It was at this moment I think I finally grieved the loss of the perfect dream that every mother has for her children. It was at this moment I came face to face with the reality that D2 was indeed on the Spectrum. Not just in all the quirky funny ways, and all the positives, but that there were real issues there, real struggles, and real consequences.
Later that night D2 was again in a situation where everyone was upset and frustrated with her. She was so overwhelmed and frustrated with herself, she had gone into a full fit. Hitting herself, growling, and pulling away from everyone. She finally broke from anger to crying and said "it's nice that I am so super smart and good at math, but I just wish my friends could get me. I wish people other than you and dad could really get me."
My heat broke. Again I felt overwhelmed and thoughts of losing friends because they couldn't handle D2 crept into my mind. Who would love her if something happened to Husband and I? Would someone be willing to raise her, to take her and her issues on? Or would she be left on her own? Will she learn the skills she needs to be independent and successful? Will she fall to the statistic of Aspies that earn high level degrees but because of the lack of social skills can never get past the interview? Will others see the magnificent potential in her that Husband and I see? My heart breaks for my little love.
The week came to a bitter sweet end. Our friends are still our friends, and even answered the phone when I called. The truly are a blessing to us, and D2 is just wild about them.
I know that I can only take one day at a time. To live each moment in the fullest. To let the simple giggles and moments when I watch her and fall even deeper in love with her - be the moments that I focus on. To let those moments creep in when the world seems alone and without hope. I used to judge people who would talk about the "sucky side of Autism" and would focus on all the bright spots, and little quirks that were manageable. The truth is there are times when Autism stinks big ones, but D2 is not defined by her diagnosis, She is much much more. Her diagnosis is only a part of who she is - a part that we are learning about, and learning how to cope with, and adapt to. People tell me that D2 is so lucky to have a mom like me... truth is, I am the lucky one. I am humbled by her unconditional love and I pray that she will know that same love 10 fold.
So what is the down side I am referring to? Well, not the friends, not the children, but the fact that my daughter has Asperger's and all the things that define her as an Aspie were in our face all week long. There were many variables that contributed to the increased struggles. Change of routine, well more aptly a lack of routine, and constant social interactions. D1 and our friends two daughters are like the three stooges. They play together very well. D1 takes charge and they follow her like little lemmings. They will play together for hours, something that D2 is incapable of doing. There were many times when D2 would become overwhelmed and just leave the situation upset. Sometimes she would stay and argue. D1 knows how this works, she is used to her sister and knows her struggles, but this week she seemed to have forgotten all those things. I constantly heard complaints about D2. "When she doesn't get her way she leaves". "I was kidding and she got all mad". "She said I was making mean faces but I wasn't". "She always has to sit on the end and have her own space".
This made me realize just how much she struggles socially. If there was ever any doubt about the need for therapy in her life - last week cured all those doubts. I found myself constantly in a state of apologizing. Adding to my feeling of failure as her mother. Then the biggest moment - the most piercing comment "I know that D2 has somethings going on with her, but I just wish she could be normal so everyone would stop fighting." Wow. This lil angel did not intend her words to be mean or hurtful They were exactly how she felt. How many of us felt at any given moment, but wouldn't dare speak out loud. Just hearing these words through her tears made my heart stop, my through tighten, and at that moment I couldn't breathe. I wanted to scream out "I wish she could be normal too!" "I wish that little things like personal space, and flexibility, and food, and bowel movements were not issues." Instead, I left the room. I had to remove myself as far away as I could. I wanted to leave the house and just walk until I was too tired to walk anymore. I made it to the top deck of the beach house and curled up in a chair and sobbed. I sobbed like a small child, crying out to God asking why it had to be so hard. Why did it have to hurt so much to have a child who to those who don't understand seems like a spoiled brat. This child who is amazing in so many ways has to struggle with such simple things that come naturally to her peers. I felt ungrateful. I know that there are children on the Autism Spectrum that are not as high functioning as D2, parents who have children with disabilities far worse, and knew that God had chosen just the right parents for them. I had to believe that God also chose Husband and I for D2. And she for us. It was at this moment I think I finally grieved the loss of the perfect dream that every mother has for her children. It was at this moment I came face to face with the reality that D2 was indeed on the Spectrum. Not just in all the quirky funny ways, and all the positives, but that there were real issues there, real struggles, and real consequences.
Later that night D2 was again in a situation where everyone was upset and frustrated with her. She was so overwhelmed and frustrated with herself, she had gone into a full fit. Hitting herself, growling, and pulling away from everyone. She finally broke from anger to crying and said "it's nice that I am so super smart and good at math, but I just wish my friends could get me. I wish people other than you and dad could really get me."
My heat broke. Again I felt overwhelmed and thoughts of losing friends because they couldn't handle D2 crept into my mind. Who would love her if something happened to Husband and I? Would someone be willing to raise her, to take her and her issues on? Or would she be left on her own? Will she learn the skills she needs to be independent and successful? Will she fall to the statistic of Aspies that earn high level degrees but because of the lack of social skills can never get past the interview? Will others see the magnificent potential in her that Husband and I see? My heart breaks for my little love.
The week came to a bitter sweet end. Our friends are still our friends, and even answered the phone when I called. The truly are a blessing to us, and D2 is just wild about them.
I know that I can only take one day at a time. To live each moment in the fullest. To let the simple giggles and moments when I watch her and fall even deeper in love with her - be the moments that I focus on. To let those moments creep in when the world seems alone and without hope. I used to judge people who would talk about the "sucky side of Autism" and would focus on all the bright spots, and little quirks that were manageable. The truth is there are times when Autism stinks big ones, but D2 is not defined by her diagnosis, She is much much more. Her diagnosis is only a part of who she is - a part that we are learning about, and learning how to cope with, and adapt to. People tell me that D2 is so lucky to have a mom like me... truth is, I am the lucky one. I am humbled by her unconditional love and I pray that she will know that same love 10 fold.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Where I have been...
Just a taste of the 1200+ photos taken while we enjoyed our spring break at the Outer Banks.
Roanoke Island.. Amazing to stand where the first settlers landed...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Cherry Blossoms
On Friday and friend and I took a field trip to the Tidal Basin for some photo therapy. The sun was shining beautifully and the blossoms were just beginning to bloom. The weather was cold and windy, but my heart was warm and fuzzy! This was one of those days that I just didn't want to end.
I'll post more pictures later. This is a very busy weekend for our family, so my time is limited. Besides, this way I can prolong the pleasures of this day all week long.
Monday, March 21, 2011
recharge before use...
Today I looked at my iPhone and it let me know that I needed to charge the battery. I was thinking - how wise that this device reminds us when it needs to be charged. How much wiser that it knows when it's battery is running low. If only I was that wise.
By the time I recognize I am low on power (patience) the world is already spinning out of control and I am completely empty. If only I could just say "I'm sorry, but before you press any of my buttons today, you will need to let me sit on the counter and recharge my battery."
AND - people would recognize this and say "oh, the mommy is recharging, we have to wait a bit before we suck the life out of her again"
The problem with a low battery is that we don't preform our best. We lose perspective on what the real issues are.
D1, my 10 yr old is wearing me down. The last 2 weeks she has mouthed off, 'forgot' to do important things, and is yelling ridiculous things at me. She seriously has lost her mind. Add on the school issues with D2 - and you have a recipe for disaster. D2 spins out of control at times, and you think she's just wound up.... but then issues get worse and before you know it you are thinking "what is wrong with this child!?! Why is she doing this?" Then a little voice hits you in the head and says "she has Asperger's you nub!! she can't really help it!"
I think we get so caught up in shining the positive light on disabilities, that we forget the reality of the not so positive sides. Today's topic being bowel movements. There is a relation between the two. I thought it was silly before the Dr pointed it out to me. Not all - but there is a connection and it is not uncommon for children with Aspergers to not have bowl movements. Understand, I am not complaining about skipping a day. Not even skipping 2 days. I am talking about going a week or more. Dangerous levels of not going. Why? Just because she doesn't like to. In fact she hates going. The docs tell me it is a sensory thing.
Regardless, here we are in the battle of poo. I accept the blame. I try to stay on top of things - seeing that she TRY to go every other day. We have sticker charts, and rewards, and the whole sha-bang-bang for rewards. I do well for a while and before you know it, life takes over and it's been a week or more and she hasn't gone. I know the signs that she has to go. Rocking, can't sit on hard surfaces, not eating, hiding her underwear, not sleeping well...But when all these signs show - it's too late, we are in for the long haul and the battle of the wills. This struggle, on top of an already emotional week, becomes the moment my battery light flashes and says - "you should have recharged me!! I'm shutting down"
I am thankful for Husband. He had to step in b/c I stepped off. Most mothers fear their child will die from a stranger, or an accident, I fear my child will die because her bowels will erupt. You just can't make a child poop. Sure you can make them sit there, but you can't push for them. I give her laxatives, but she holds it in still. It is an exhausting battle. One that I have to just start over with a new day and do a better job of seeing that she tries every day.
I have to remember that she is a child with Aspergers and with that comes some amazing qualities, but there are also some things that we just have to push though and get creative with.
Most of all, like all moms, I need to do a better job of reading my battery meter. When that sucker starts running low - I need to plug in to a rechargeable source.
By the time I recognize I am low on power (patience) the world is already spinning out of control and I am completely empty. If only I could just say "I'm sorry, but before you press any of my buttons today, you will need to let me sit on the counter and recharge my battery."
AND - people would recognize this and say "oh, the mommy is recharging, we have to wait a bit before we suck the life out of her again"
The problem with a low battery is that we don't preform our best. We lose perspective on what the real issues are.
D1, my 10 yr old is wearing me down. The last 2 weeks she has mouthed off, 'forgot' to do important things, and is yelling ridiculous things at me. She seriously has lost her mind. Add on the school issues with D2 - and you have a recipe for disaster. D2 spins out of control at times, and you think she's just wound up.... but then issues get worse and before you know it you are thinking "what is wrong with this child!?! Why is she doing this?" Then a little voice hits you in the head and says "she has Asperger's you nub!! she can't really help it!"
I think we get so caught up in shining the positive light on disabilities, that we forget the reality of the not so positive sides. Today's topic being bowel movements. There is a relation between the two. I thought it was silly before the Dr pointed it out to me. Not all - but there is a connection and it is not uncommon for children with Aspergers to not have bowl movements. Understand, I am not complaining about skipping a day. Not even skipping 2 days. I am talking about going a week or more. Dangerous levels of not going. Why? Just because she doesn't like to. In fact she hates going. The docs tell me it is a sensory thing.
Regardless, here we are in the battle of poo. I accept the blame. I try to stay on top of things - seeing that she TRY to go every other day. We have sticker charts, and rewards, and the whole sha-bang-bang for rewards. I do well for a while and before you know it, life takes over and it's been a week or more and she hasn't gone. I know the signs that she has to go. Rocking, can't sit on hard surfaces, not eating, hiding her underwear, not sleeping well...But when all these signs show - it's too late, we are in for the long haul and the battle of the wills. This struggle, on top of an already emotional week, becomes the moment my battery light flashes and says - "you should have recharged me!! I'm shutting down"
I am thankful for Husband. He had to step in b/c I stepped off. Most mothers fear their child will die from a stranger, or an accident, I fear my child will die because her bowels will erupt. You just can't make a child poop. Sure you can make them sit there, but you can't push for them. I give her laxatives, but she holds it in still. It is an exhausting battle. One that I have to just start over with a new day and do a better job of seeing that she tries every day.
I have to remember that she is a child with Aspergers and with that comes some amazing qualities, but there are also some things that we just have to push though and get creative with.
Most of all, like all moms, I need to do a better job of reading my battery meter. When that sucker starts running low - I need to plug in to a rechargeable source.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Sunshine and lollipops
Today is a BEAUTIFUL day!
This morning I sent husband off to work on his motorcycle and then got ready to take on the day. Since the weather is supposed to peek above 70, I thought capri's were in order. I couldn't find my old faithful denim ones, so I kept digging when I found a pair that hadn't fit in 2 years. I thought about trying them on, but then thought, "why depress myself before 7am?" I had decided on pants, which was depressing so I threw caution to the wind and tried on the long lost capris. The last time I tried them on (august) the buttons couldn't even see each other, forget coming together. Today was different... they went on with ease!!! WaHOOOOO! Rock star moment. Hips and butt are down a few inches, tummy is still all over, but hey - it's a start.
The girls woke up happy and content - looking forward to the Jump-a-thon at school. I totally dropped the ball there, but the important thing is that they will still be there to jump their lil hearts out and have fun in the sun.
It had been a while since I escaped to the coffee place to relax and enjoy so after dropping the girls off I thought I would head that way. I ordered a springy iced tea, and found a table that was free. It wasn't my "usual" spot, but it'll do. Just as I got set up, I realized there was no way I could focus or relax. The amount of LOUD chitter chatter was overwhelming. SO, I made my way outside. The breeze is a bit much, but I am loving this sunshine.
I love spring and fall. They both excite me. In the fall it's a fresh start with school and new suplies and getting organized with schedules and new routines. Spring is the anticipation of everything new. New buds on the trees, fresh air, new flip flops and fresh toe nail color. We shed off the stink of winter and cabin fever and press on face towards the sun soaking in all the vitamin D we can.
The In-laws are coming tomorrow and there is work to be done to prepare, but who could stay home in side with all this yummy weather!!! I'll be sure to slip home mid day and wash the sheets and accomplish a few things before the kids get home, but then their lil booty will be outside, riding bikes and whatever else they can do before the day is through.
Spring is appropriately named, don't you think? The weather alone puts a pep in your step and a smile on your face.
This morning I sent husband off to work on his motorcycle and then got ready to take on the day. Since the weather is supposed to peek above 70, I thought capri's were in order. I couldn't find my old faithful denim ones, so I kept digging when I found a pair that hadn't fit in 2 years. I thought about trying them on, but then thought, "why depress myself before 7am?" I had decided on pants, which was depressing so I threw caution to the wind and tried on the long lost capris. The last time I tried them on (august) the buttons couldn't even see each other, forget coming together. Today was different... they went on with ease!!! WaHOOOOO! Rock star moment. Hips and butt are down a few inches, tummy is still all over, but hey - it's a start.
The girls woke up happy and content - looking forward to the Jump-a-thon at school. I totally dropped the ball there, but the important thing is that they will still be there to jump their lil hearts out and have fun in the sun.
It had been a while since I escaped to the coffee place to relax and enjoy so after dropping the girls off I thought I would head that way. I ordered a springy iced tea, and found a table that was free. It wasn't my "usual" spot, but it'll do. Just as I got set up, I realized there was no way I could focus or relax. The amount of LOUD chitter chatter was overwhelming. SO, I made my way outside. The breeze is a bit much, but I am loving this sunshine.
I love spring and fall. They both excite me. In the fall it's a fresh start with school and new suplies and getting organized with schedules and new routines. Spring is the anticipation of everything new. New buds on the trees, fresh air, new flip flops and fresh toe nail color. We shed off the stink of winter and cabin fever and press on face towards the sun soaking in all the vitamin D we can.
The In-laws are coming tomorrow and there is work to be done to prepare, but who could stay home in side with all this yummy weather!!! I'll be sure to slip home mid day and wash the sheets and accomplish a few things before the kids get home, but then their lil booty will be outside, riding bikes and whatever else they can do before the day is through.
Spring is appropriately named, don't you think? The weather alone puts a pep in your step and a smile on your face.
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