The Wicked Step Mother

  This morning was a horrible morning. I wasn't sure if I needed to bust out in prayer or have an exorcism.  Maybe both.

  Lil P was in rare form. Okay - not really all THAT rare I guess when I think about the past few weeks. She was so angry. Last night she knew what she was wearing to school today. She has a milkshake bet going with her principle over the Ravens vs. Steelers game this weekend.  Her plan was to wear Daddy's Jersey. She even tried on everything last night - knew she looked good and so we were set. Or so we thought. 

  This morning was filled with yelling, throwing, slamming, smart mouthing, and pure hatred of everything possible.  Nothing was right, fair, or helpful. I will spare all the details, cause I don't care to relive them. The hour of my morning that felt like a week long tirade.

  Big sis was headed out the door to the bus and Lil P was still half naked, ranting about the injustice that is her life.  Fortunately for her Hubs was teleworking today and was willing to take her to school. If it had been left up to me, I don't think I would have been mentally stable enough to deal with her in a confined space and with all the Northern VA drivers. It would have ended poorly.  

  As soon as she left the house I grabbed the dog, and we took a very long walk. I cried, I screamed in my head, I may have even growled. I felt so frustrated, alone, and helpless. I was asking God why? Was this as good as things were going to get? Was it not bad enough I grew up with being yelled at and made to feel less than adequate, now I have a child that evokes these same feelings? After a few minutes I thought about a dear friend of mine. She also rides the roller coaster of the special needs circus.  She is always positive, always can be a voice of reason, and yet she can truly understand that my heart loves Lil P beyond words even when I feel anything but love. It took about an hour, but she pulled me away from the cliff. While our daughters deal with different things, the emotions are the same for us. 

  So why the title for this blog?  

  While I was talking with her about some of her own situations. I had a revelation.  I feel like the wicked step mother. I'm not. I gave birth to Lil P. However, no matter what I do or don't do, it's wrong. At one point this morning I was sitting on her bed. She started to change her clothes (again) and I looked at the ground. I was careful to not make a sound, just diverted my eyes. Lil P watched me like a hawk. She immediately barked. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?" I told her I was just respecting her privacy and looking at the ground while she changed. That if I looked at her, she would yell at me. If I left the room, she would yell at me. If I started picking up the closet worth of clothes that she hates, she would yell at me. So, I thought the safest thing for me to do was simply look down. Turns out I was wrong. Shocker. 

  This must be what Step mothers go though. No matter how much they love their child, no matter how much they try... they are still wrong. They are still cast aside and treated like trash. 

  I'd like to think that I no longer take it personally, and I do feel rather numb to it in the moment. But my "phone a friend" pointed out to me that I do still take the words personally, at least on a subconscious level.  

  We teach our kids that words are hurtful. We use the visual 'words are like toothpaste, once they are squeezed out, you can't put them back in'. The Bible reminds us over and over about how we are to use our tongue, 'to praise, not to teardown'. Lil P hurts me. She breaks my heart in pieces. I know that she doesn't truly feel what she is saying - that she says those things because of deeper issues she has. I try to let the words roll, and I think in the moment I have come a long way. But in the moments after I am broken.  When she is calm, she apologizes. She tells me she loves me, and that she is sorry for treating me badly. But while she is at school today, my heart is shattered. This was my last interaction with her today. One of anger, and broken heartedness.  

  Here's to a better evening. We are supposed to celebrate a birthday tonight. I wish I could feel like this will all go well, but I know something will go wrong, and that will be our 'normal'.

Indifferent

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. Getting back into the swing of things, adjusting to school, new medication, and drama all around.

Yesterday I wanted to believe that everything would go well. The morning started out so great. Then 3:20 came and it all hit the fan.  No matter what I said or did - it was wrong. Thursdays are busy for us. Lil P has about an hour to work on homework and then she has Tae Kwon Do. Then an hour after that she has percussion lessons. Last night she only had a worksheet to fill out - it would have taken her 5 minutes to complete. Instead she drug her feet for 45 minutes. Arguing at every prompt. While this was going on Big Sis was complaining about a pencil that Lil P had stuck into a moldable eraser. An eraser that the night before Big Sis was complaining about - calling it junk because it didn't work. Because of the ongoing struggle I was already involved in with Lil P, I asked her to drop it for now. As I walked away she mumbled "not like you care". I snapped back and reminded her that I did care, but it just was not the time. She told me she wasn't talking about me and tried to cover her tracks in front of her friend.  As I walked away from her I saw her make a face and throw her arms up - as if she was going all gangster behind my back. Really?  As I started to call her out on that, even her friend was saying "come on, don't be like that, your mom is so nice to you". I was floored that she had completely disrespected me in front of her friend. Had it been any other friend, I would have immediately taken her home.

Then the phone rang. It was my father who I have a very superficial relationship with. He was an absent father, and about 6 years ago had a car accident that was a huge awakening for him.  He had called not to say hi, but to fuss at me for not calling him and wife #4 to wish them a happy anniversary. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

Back to Lil P. She reads every evening. Her Language arts class requires her to turn in a reading log - showing how many pages she reads every evening. All week I had asked her about her log, and she promised me she had kept up with it. I stress to the girls that these things (reading and practice logs) are easy A's since they do them all the time.  The log is due today. Last night I took it out of her folder and it was BLANK!

I am tired. I am tired of caring. Of fighting. Lil P wants out of this special ed class that she is in because it really is not advantageous for her, but yet she will not do her part? How do I fight for her? How do I say she is capable of a certain level of work, when her only hang up is simply DOING IT!  I get that it's easy, I get that it's a pain to take the 15 seconds and write down the page numbers, BUT COME ON!!

So last night I quit. I quit fighting. I quit checking with the girls to be sure they had everything they needed for the next day. I quit. If they don't care, then why am I running myself crazy?

I started to lose it. I couldn't stop crying. Hubs came in the room and I so needed for him to hold me and love me. Instead, he told me he was headed out for band practice at church. Wow. I'm a pile of blub and he's indifferent as well. I yelled at Big sis to go with him. She offered to stay. I told her I was tired of being hurt. She had totally disrespected me and couldn't offer so much as an "i'm sorry", so there was no purpose in her being with me.
It was like I had freed her from the drama.

Yesterday everyone was great at pointing out my faults. My failures. Even if the dog has an accident in the house - it's me who gets fussed at. Not the kids who barely walk him long enough to do his business. It's me. I poured myself a drink - and sent a message to my father. It was forward and long overdue. He immediately called and I let it go to voice mail. He was teary - apologized, but then blamed me for not being open enough with him about my life. That he didn't know how stressful the things I deal with are.  What kind of apology is that? "I didn't mean  to hurt your feelings, but if you would call me more and share more, I could be more aware.." SO it's again my fault that he  thought his behaviors were okay.

Today I didn't jump out of bed and make breakfast for hubs. I didn't pack lunches for everyone. SInce I get fussed at for doing it all wrong anyway - why?

When I spend my mornings directing and get yelled at "I know mom!!", then I guess they know.

Today I heard "Why are you just sitting there drinking coffee - why aren't you packing my lunch?" I simply replied that she could do it. That way it was just as she liked.

Hubs packed his own lunch. Lil P packed hers. Big Sis made her own breakfast and got ready for the dentist. Lil P had to run to catch the bus. And I felt numb to them all.

Don't get me wrong. I love them. It would be easier if I didn't. Collectively, the people closest to me and even my father managed to hurt me in a matter of a few hours. And not one of them seemed to care.

Today I feel indifferent. Not angry, not revengeful, not anything really. Just indifferent.

Does that make me a bad mother, daughter, wife? Maybe. Maybe the things I wanted to be most are just the things that make me the worst.

I am sure I will pull out of this. But for now - I will be indifferent. Indifferent is comfortable and free from hurt.