the first decade

Today D1 is turning 10.

The BIG 1-0. 

The "first Decade down" is what she said today as she was scarfing down her lucky charms.

I watched her carefully plan out what she was wearing, how she was wearing it, and the hair that had to be just so to go with the just so outfit.  

10

Where did those 10 years go?  Seems like just a few days ago Husband and I were counting contractions, speaking our best medical Italian, and waiting an eternity for her arrival.  

Husband and I were stationed at Ghedi Air Base in Northern Italy.  It was a beautiful area and since we were stationed at an Italian base, we lived completely on the economy.  No base doctors and hospitals for us.  Our OB/GYN was Italian and we were told she spoke great English.  Hmmm.  Great english compared to someone who didn't know any English... maybe.  When we left her office, I wasn't sure I knew English.  My Italian did improve rather quickly though.  

D1 came into the world healthy, beautiful, and with a head full of curly hair.  She was perfect.  She arrived without any birthing classes, practiced breathing, birth plans, parents around us, and all the things we as Americans obsess about.  The plan was - "the baby come out".  I had to trust.  I had to have faith that I was right where God wanted us to be, right where he wanted D1 to be born.  His timing was perfect.  My mom and Husbands parents had plans to arrive soon after her birth, so I knew extra hands and love were on the way.  

Unlike America, a natural birth allows you to remain in the hospital for a week!!  We were so blessed to have the sterile hospital, nurses on hand to help with nursing, and nothing to worry about but the three of us.  I especially liked the hot tea served every day at 3pm.  Yum. 

I couldn't stop staring at this beautiful lil baby.  So precious, so innocent, untainted from the world and all it pollutes our lives with.  I wanted to retreat to a place where there was no one else but the three of us.  

I still watch her sleep.  She is still my little girl.  All snuggled up with her Felicity doll, her Lamb, and her blankie.  Her sweet cheeks that she inherited from Husband's family, her pursed lips, and her long curly locks of hair.  I fall more in love with her every time I stop and stare.  

She is brilliant.  Straight A's.  Gifted.  Talented.  A wonderful singer, pianist, artist, friend.  She has so much going for her.  I pray that her life continues to go well.  That she will see her options are unlimited.  She can do anything that she sets her mind to do.  I pray that life affords her every opportunity to explore and discover what her purpose is.  I find her to be amazing.  

The first 10 years have gone by so fast.  She has grown from my baby to my young lady.  

The second 10 years I hope slow down.  I want to enjoy my young lady and be sure the transition to a young woman is a smooth one.

I am always amazed how much I love her. The ability to love her with every ounce of myself.  A love so deep and powerful, that no one could ever EVER break that bond.  A love so strong that I tear up just thinking about it.

Happy Birthday my angel.  

so numb it hurts

waiting.
who likes it?
anyone?

I don't.  I hate to wait.  Even more, I hate uncertainty.  Waiting with uncertainty... yep, that about does me in.  Uncertainty makes me crazy.

D2 had all her testing done last week.  A week ago today in fact.  We were scheduled to get the results of that testing on Thursday the 9th.  It has been a LONG week.  Since D2 was unmedicated for 24 hours on the 30th, nothing has been the same.  We thought that the medication was not having much of an effect on her, but when we had taken her off the medication we saw just how much the medication was doing for her.  YIKES!!  We had no idea how good we had things.  Off meds D2 became a child I could hardly recognize.  Loud, repeditive, angry, defiant, and unaffectionate.

She began taking her meds again the next day and was so calm it was scary.  Then on Thursday she was back to "normal" except now when her meds are wearing off about 6pm, life becomes very intense.  If one thing is out of place, different, or changes....the world comes crashing down around you before you even know what happened.  This is especially delightful when in public and with people who don't have an understanding of there being a problem.

Saturday night we went out to eat at Cracker Barrel.  Things were going well until the food came out.  Typically food comes in separate dishes.  Not this time.  D2's mashed potatoes were touching her chicken strips.  Thinking fast, I asked the waitress for a bowl.  We then scraped the taters into the bowl.  Problem solved right?  Wrong.  See, NORMALLY the taters are in the shape of the scoop, since we did the scraping, they were dry and falling apart.  Huge break down.  For a normal child this would be just silly - for D2 this is earth shattering.  Judgement was instantly upon us.  Then spinning us into an evening excusing our selves from the table and having a "come to Jesus meeting" every time we did.

Our evenings are spent this way more and more.  Each one becoming more tiresome then the next.  I was really looking forward to this Thursday's appointment.  I know that what ever we learn about the results on D2 will not instantly fix everything.  I know that it wont be this huge magical moment that will make all the hurt go away.  What it WILL do is validate me as a mom.  Give me a place to start.  Telling me she has "abc syndrome" will then give me a ground zero.  I can begin to research what to do, how to help her function.  How to return our home to some state of normal.  Not that our home life will be normal, but being informed about what is going on and what to do, will help us to structure our lives and establish a new kind of normal.

Hmm, Saying that reminds me of my friends book "Some Kind of Normal".  It's about a mother and her journey as she discovers her daughter is diabetic.  Summing that story in one sentence doesn't give the praise that book deserves, but I know Heidi will forgive me.  See in that story the mom goes through this crazy whirlwind of emotions.  Many of which I am finding myself in the midst of.  She learned a lot about herself.  He strengths and her weaknesses.  Her friends, her marriage, her son, and her faith.  I felt a connection with this book when I read it last May.  Now I recall things from that book that I relate to even more.  To look at the book, you may think "oh it's about diabetics, I can't relate".  Shame on you. If you are human, a mother, and have any compassion - you will like this book.  Okay, enough on that.

Yesterday afternoon the doctor called and said we needed to reschedule D2's appointment.  The first thing I felt were my eyes welling up and the urge to vomit.  RESCHEDULE?  She said some company line thing about wanting to be sure to have a comprehensive report..blah, blah, blah, I don't even know.  Her next available was Tuesday which wouldn't work b/c it's D1's birthday and she needs to have her day NOT be about her sister.  So we had to go with Wednesday afternoon.  I told the doctor "we're struggling here!"  Her reply was that it was just a few more days.  Sure for her!  She's young, single, and not dealing with the day to day anguish that I am.

I hung up.  I cried out.  I cried like someone had just ripped out my heart.  I called out.

Another week.  NOT a few days, another WEEK!

I am growing numb.  I wake up my love in the morning, to be greeted by yelling and arguments.  I put on my tough face, my tough love voice, and deal.  Then when I turn around I see D1 doing everything she is supposed to do without being told.  Looking at me with a smile and seeking my approval.  I praise her, only to hear the screams from the other room of how much better D1 is than D2.  The comparison.  I start to praise and talk to D1 in private, in a lower voice.  Just to avoid the conflict.  Meanwhile deepening the conflict that stirs within me.  This bi-polar approach I have to take to mothering.  It's tough feeling like two people.  Tiresome.  By bed time I have nothing left.  Nothing left for my man who I adore.  Nothing left for my marriage.

Just numb.

I crawl into bed to sleep in 1-2 hour increments.  To wake to the alarm and do it all over again.  In the hours that they are at school, I try to maintain life.  Volunteering at the school, being a good friend to others, cleaning the house, and the daily tasks that come with being a mom.  All of which I seem to be failing miserably.  But to avoid the feeling of failure, the hope of an answer, the loneliness, I become numb.

Without numbness there are tears, when those tears are released there is the realization of anguish.  I know that my JOY is right around the corner.  I know because there is this other great book - the bible - that tells me so.  In fact I recently attended a conference that was all about my anguish and how it will turn to joy.  How at times this anguish can even coexist with Joy.  I'll share that in my next post.  Since I am on Husbands laptop, he probably wouldn't appreciate all the tears clogging up his keyboard.  For now I will sip my Caramel Brulee' Latte, take deep breaths, and psych myself up to volunteer at school today.

words...

I need words
As wide as sky
I need a language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing you
That I've yet to find
I need you, oh
I need you
I need you, oh
I need you
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now



~ David Crowder Band.  Song posted to the right.

I'm a sucked up juice box.

These last few weeks have been rather tough.  In fact I think it safe to say that these last few days in particular have downright stunk.  Just when you think you have moved forward and have your head wrapped around things - BOOM - you wonder if you moved forward at all.  So you took 3 steps forward - you just stepped into a new room filled with confusion and chaos.

D2 has a diagnosis of ADHD.  Okay - got that.  We have been seeing the therapist, psychiatrist, medicating... but what happens when suddenly that isn't enough?  What happens when she isn't in the bounds of ADHD but instead you start seeing signs of something more?  You put on your big girl panties and adapt - increase meds and move on.  Right?  Then just when you think you have things underway another BOOM.  Now everything you have exausted yourself doing isn't enough anymore and you are left feeling like an empty juice box. All sucked up and crumbled on the floor with nothing left to give but this heaving, pathetic burst of air when someone tries to squeeze a little more.

Yup.  That's me.  Crumbled up with people still squeezing me and expecting what? I don't know.

Everyone is as perplexed as I about D2.  No, I take that back - I am still more confused and concerned.  I get brief updates from teachers and those in D2's life.  "What's going on?, What can I do?  Why is she...?"  I look at them helpless and say "I don't know."

I found myself apologizing.
I'm sorry she isn't being still.  I'm sorry she flips out when there are too many people in her space.  I'm sorry that she is getting "very active".
Then I wanted to smack myself.  The only thing to be sorry about is that I am spinning in circles looking for information and am on the slow boat to getting them.  I am doing the best that a mom can do.  Short of kidnapping the 'experts' and holding them hostage in my house until we have some answers and I have some direction.

I used to hate labels.  But today I long for one.  One that encompasses all the things that are going on for D2.  One that will force the hands of others to help her be in an environment that will help her to thrive.

It's a tough road.  Daily I wake up with my mind racing about the events ahead, does she know them, am I prepared for every possibility, is she?  From 6:30 to 7:30 we struggle with things that should be as routine as breathing.  Get up, brush hair, teeth, get dressed, eat, take pill, get to the bus... and try not to absolutely hate each other in the process.  Most mornings I am numb when the girls get on the bus.  Then I go about the day just to gear myself up for the afternoon and evening.  Homework is often torture.  Not because of the work, because of the effort required to complete the work.

D2 has been referred to a Psychologist for a full evaluation.  Today was my appointment with the Dr. to talk about D2 and all she has going on with her.  I spoke, the Dr asked some tough questions, and I left there with a mountain of paperwork.

Behavior assessment scales, Asperger scales, Autism rating scales, and 2 more behavior scales.  There are papers for the teachers, and for D2 to answer about herself.  Tough stuff.

The toughest part about this road we are on is the judgement.  Some friends and family are very understanding and supportive.  Others say nothing aloud, but their body language is loud and clear.  I have to remind myself that NO one knows what it's like to be D2's mother & father better than D2's mother and father.

In 3 weeks, D2 will undergo a full battery of tests.  In 5 weeks we will have answers to those tests.  Today and tomorrow, I will remind myself to breathe.  And to those that choose to judge anyway - well, my Christmas card list will just be a little shorter this year.

Made for me...

I am in need of a new purse.  I am not a huge Vera Bradley fan, but occasionally there is a pattern that really jumps out and grabs me.  Fortunately I have a birthday just around the corner and so I have sent Husband some subtle clues.  You know, the kind where you call him and say - look at this web site, see that pattern, yep, gotta have it.  

What do you think?  Think this pattern looks like it may just be perfect?

holding on

First let me say that I notice the irony between this blog and my last.  If you can even call it that?  Sometimes I think there are those that are conditioned to believe that when things start going well, you better watch out because it is only a matter of time before the big boom.  Some believe that you just roll with the punches and events in our lives are completely unrelated.  If you take things on a spiritual level, events in our lives are based on where we are in our walk. If we are walking strong in our faith, then we must be vigilant because the Devil is only moments away from testing our faith.

Regardless, the past week has been a test of my faith, my strengths, and have definitely highlighted my weaknesses.  Just last week while having lunch with a friend, I was sharing how I felt I was in a good place.  I was exercising every day, the girls were doing well in school, Husband is home, I was staying on top of the housework, and had cooked decent meals all week.  Then life stopped.

D1 handled the news about her teacher well.  However, I think that the concerns may have been short sighted.  The focus from the school was that the kids would be sad about the teachers death.  I can't tell you how many times I heard, "well at least the kids didn't really know her, so they are all fine".  Not true.  The bigger issue of this loss was the uncertainty of what was next.  Who would be their teacher? What would be changing for them?  Who do they belong to?  At first I thought this was just D1 that was thinking all these things - but I am hearing these same concerns from other parents in the class.

The class had been assured that their current long term sub would be staying on until they found another permanent teacher.  That sub happened to be out the day the class learned of their teachers death and the sub that was there was, well, less than adored by the class.  Well, wouldn't you know that the nice long term sub has medical issues that forces her to quit, and the less than adored sub is now the long term sub.  D1 was devastated.  The new sub seems to be on a bit of a power trip.  As if these kids don't have enough uncertainty in their lives, the sub begins to change their routines, revokes bathroom passes, and rearranges the classroom.  All in the first 3 days.

As I juggle the flow of emotions coming from D1 and encouraging her to try to keep things in perspective, we then learn that D2 has a Prolapse Mitral Valve.  Before you flood me with medical advice, I also have one, I know that you can live a long happy lives with minimal adjustments.  BUT it seems that D2's situation is more than a mild one.  We are in the wait and see stages.  Trying to establish a base line since not one doctor has noticed this in the past.  So we add that to the list of things to keep track of along with bowl movements, overstimulation coping skills, learning to read social cues... and the rest of the things that ADHD brings about.  Oh, I forgot to mention that we are also switching her medication.

I have been encouraging D1 to keep things in perspective, to remember that the devil preys on our weaknesses.  That the anxiety she was feeling was from "what if" situations and nothing that she knew for certain was going to happen.  She even made the sound reference to Tom & Jerry cartoons.  When Tom has the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  She has been plucking off the devil all week, and doing a good job.  Better than her momma.

This week, much unlike the last was a blur.  Full of uncertainty, full of frustration, full of insecurity.  Which brings me to the photo at the top.  This was a sculpture I came across while on a boat ride in Brugge Belgium.   It reminds me that even when things are crazy, when we feel like we are alone and losing our grip, there is someone bigger that is holding on.  Ready to pull us out of the pit and set us on dry ground.

Next week will be better.  Next week we will get in our groove.  Next week I am not going to lose my grip.  Next week I will remember where to pull my strength.

A Mother's Dream

Every year our biggest adjustment seems to be with D2.  Things that we have come to learn are just part of the ADHD world.

Last year was tough.  We really felt like D2 had fallen through the cracks.  I was seemingly always at school advocating on her behalf.  Trying to identify ways to help her become more successful.  The feeling that my child didn't matter was overwhelming.  Because she came from a two parent home, spoke english, and was white, it appeared that she was a low priority and as long as she was meeting the minimum, that was fine.  We dealt with bulling that resulted in bruises, being spit on, and called names.  Improper assessment testing and no one taking the time to review her file from her previous school that showed that she was an advanced learner.

We made it through.  I was "that" mom and pushed back when my daughter was pushed aside.  I learned that if you don't advocate for your child - who will?

THIS YEAR!!!!

This year is going to be different.  Maybe Husband is giving me optimism injections while I sleep, but this year I expect great things.  Her teacher is amazing.  He has addressed our concerns, and filled us with hope.  He not only recognized her strengths, but could also see her insecurities.  He wants to work as a team to help D2 develop those  social cues, to apply her coping skills with her personal space issues, and building relationships.

He told me she was smart, he liked having her in class.  For the first time in a long time, I felt relieved.  I believed that she was going to be okay.  THIS year is going to be different.  THIS year she will become empowered to achieve greatness.

I am excited for D2's journey through 3rd grade.  For the growth she is about to experience academically, physically, and socially.

There are no limits to her greatness and I am thrilled she has a teacher who is in her corner this year!!!

Making Sense of the Senseless

Written the afternoon of 16 Sept.

Today my daughter will learn that her teacher died this morning from cancer.  Apparently things were going well until a few weeks ago when it was discovered that the cancer had spread to the bones and was very aggressive.  A long term substitute was hired to start off the school year who would partner with the teacher.

Today that all changes.  Today D1 has no teacher.  I am not exactly sure how she will take the news.  There is no parent problem solving handbook that says "when ___ happens then promptly do ___".  I decided that I would go ahead and come to the school and be here to hear what the administration said and IF D1 needed me, I would be here for her.  I am thankful that D1 didn't yet form that special bond with the teacher.  Only because I think that will make things easier in the process of getting a new teacher.  But is loss on any level ever easy?

Encourage, Listen, & Love.  Yes, that's my job.  I think that best defines the role of any parent.  Isn't that what it all boils down to?  We encourage our children in any situation, both good and bad.  We listen.  We listen to the thoughts, feelings, plans, and dreams.  And it goes without saying that we love.  We love with an insurmountable love.  We do it because that is what we are called to do.  What we are commanded to do.  Love.  By loving, we then teach others to love.

my obsession...

a new happy place...

This past weekend was fabulous. The weather could not have been a more perfect end to summer vacation.  The mornings were in the 60's and that was just perfect for sitting on the deck, curled up with a cup of hot tea, my camera, and my journal.  Even though I live on Wisteria Lane, my deck is a happy place.  It's private, gets the morning sun, and has the most amazing breeze all afternoon.  We even have an abundance of humming birds that I obsess about, spending countless moments taking pictures, trying to get just the right shot.  

Monday morning was my favorite morning on the deck.  My oldest (D1) woke up early with me and joined me outside.  We just sat there and read for a while, then we talked about birthday parties, the start of school, and all about the revolutionary time period.  You didn't see that coming did you?  I loved having this time with D1, she has grown up so much this summer.  I can hardly believe that she is in the 4th grade.  Where did all this time go?  

I enjoyed watching her sitting there, talking about whatever came to her mind.  She is so wise beyond her years.  So mature in some areas, and yet so innocent in many others.  We talked about friendships, and who are good people to have as friends.  Also about the different types of friends.  D1 has some nice friends from school that all have big sisters in high school.  So they are not into playing barbie, American Girl dolls, or singing to Hanna Montana or Taylor Swift.  In fact, they don't even know what they are into.  I want D1 to enjoy being a child.  She has one good friend that she can completely be her silly little self with, and I adore that!!!  Life goes by so fast, that we miss out on what it is to just be a kid.  We fill our child's schedule with one activity after the next - some they don't even care to be a part of.  

Now hold the hate mail, I am not at all suggesting that kids being in activities are bad.  My girls are involved in a few things.  We did learn though, that we have to limit those things a bit so we don't unravel our family.  We zoom from one event to the next and at some point we stop and wonder where did all the time go?  

Some moms were ready for the first day of school.  Some complained it was to long, others to short.  For us, I think summer was perfect.  Yes, we reached our saturation point at times, and we had definitely reached the point where we were ready to get back in the swing of things.  We had a good summer.  We made some great memories.  We made new friends and found ones we never knew we had.  We spent time with family, traveled to New York, PA, and DE.  It was a good summer.

This weekend was the perfect weekend.  It was great to be together, the four of us, playing board games, laughing, and dreaming out loud.  I think I fell in love with them all over again.  

When was the last time you just stopped?  Were just still.  No plans.  Just sit with your kids, your husband and played a game?  Talked about the future?  Asked common questions?  No TV, no computer, just sat and listened to what was milling around in their minds?  Time goes so fast, and we take so much for granted.  We schedule so much in our lives, why not schedule family time.  In fact, schedule it first and make everything else fit around that time.

I can not wait for the weekend, when Husband comes back home, and we can all just relax, and have fun together as a family.  How about you?

Special Parking

Cart Corral at Wegmans that husband thought would work as covered parking.  

I didn't think it would fit.

Turns out, he was right.

Ah, see what happens when the grandparents take the kids for the weekend?

Cleaning cleaning....

I have been trying to get our home clean.  Not just that day to day clean- but the type of cleaning that happens 2-3 times a year.  Some people do a Fall & Spring cleaning.  Mine is Just before school, New years, and just before school ends.   For every step forward I make, my children come along and create 2x the mess.  I know - that's their job - their kids.  BUT!!!  Come on!  Give me something to look back on and see progress!

I think they have been pretty much banished to the basement for playing.  And even then I am checking in and barking orders about putting things away.  I posted about my cleaning on Face Book and my friend asked if I had seen this carton.  I wasn't sure where it was headed at first, but then... well, as my daughter commented - it was a cartoon about me.  HA!  Enjoy.

New Pet?

So we have this critter living outside our front door.  Yes, I said critter.  Anything that is bigger than my big toe is a critter in my world.  It is rather pretty as critters go.  Anyone know what it might be?

Thank heavens for a zoom.  

I just knew this thing would take off at any moment,

 I would fall of the step and smash my camera!

I tried to get a close up of the antenna.  

They look like leaves that you can see each vein.

Okay folks... what is our new pet?  And why wont she leave?

Shifting gears...

Okay, I'm over it.  There is a song I have been listening to today that I learned while with my family - it makes me laugh.  There is a part that says "BANG BANG" and I just giggle.  So I thought I should post things that make me smile.

I love this song.
I know it's long - but go ahead - hit play and listen to it while you read.
It's a good thing to say when you don't know what else to say.  Manah Manah!!

When the girls were little, they thought the guy puppet looked like their Uncle.  HA!

Husband. Who will not appreciate this picture.  We were on a date to the movies and stopped in Brooks Brothers.  There was this super snazzy jacket and he posed for me!!  How could I not take this picture!  We had just seen "From Paris with Love".  Great movie.

Spain. This was a good time. This was the bike path that we crossed to sit on the beach and bask by the Mediterranean Sea.  The girls had fun, and I had fun watching them.  I loved that I went with two great friends and their kids.  No husbands - just us gals.  One day I want to go back with just Husband.






Music.  I Love Music.  All sorts of Music.

It sets the mood.  The mood for fun, dancing, romance, silliness, exercising, driving... for everything, every moment - there is a song to be sung.  I don't know how to put a play list on here.  I know you can b/c my friends do - but I haven't dug that far.  Maybe when I tag my photos - I'll learn music!

Writing.  It is therapeutic, fun, and allows me to ramble without judgement.  Well, until someone else reads it. ;-)

I could go on about other things - but just hitting the biggies, and skipping the obvious... Kids, faith, love.... One more thing is huge...

Friends.
I don't have pictures of all of you.. but you know who you are.
Real friends, which have been described in a previous blog.  I treasure friendships.  My relationships with other women where we can encourage and lift each other up.  I love them.  I love the joy that comes from helping out a friend.  Looking for ways to encourage.  It's a small rush that I get.

Okay - down from my euphoria and back to reality - the kids want dinner.

Webs we weave...

My parents divorce wasn't at all like an after school special.  They didn't take me to a carnival, and while on the ferris wheel tell me they were getting a divorce, it had nothing to do with me, and that they would remain great friends.  No - not at all.

As you may know my father was not Mr. Cleaver and had plenty of issues.  After an accident that changed his life 3 years ago - my relationship with him has completely changed course.  This all had to be kept hush hush from my mom.  I told my trusted aunt and when my grandmother asked me about him, I told her.  She sternly made me promise her that I would never let my mother know.  I remember being so frustrated thinking it was so unfair that I had to basically manage two lives.  Then the kids... how do I explain that they can't talk about certain parts of their lives?  Because my mom, who had been divorced from my dad for longer than they had been together, couldn't breathe when she heard mention of his name.  Yes, he became the "one who must not be named".

Lately it's been tougher, as my kids get to know him, and he started posting on the family blog.  Our relationship is still somewhat superficial, but he still contacts us every few weeks to see how we are doing.

During my time with my aunt, I learned that my grandmother had told my mother that he was involved with my life.  That he has been in touch with the girls.  I don't know which emotion I felt first.  Relief? Anger? Sick?  Betrayed?  Yeah - lets go with that one.  WHY - Why would she tell her that?  AND tell her right after she comes home from a nut house?  Is she trying to throw her over the edge?  After all that is what she said I would be doing if I told her.  That if I told her - I would be responsible for any rash reactions she would have.  That if I told my mother, that she would never forgive me for upsetting her?  HUH!?

Since the filter on my mouth is very thin - I wanted to go visit grandma and ask all these questions.  I paused when I left my aunts house, thought about if I wanted to turn to her house or go home.  I thought it better if I went home.  Nothing would be gained.  She would see no wrong in anything she does.  She is so consumed with enabling my mother... that unless you are on team poor nancy - you are not on the right team.

The day before my mom came home from the hospital she and I talked.  I was disappointed that she was coming home.  I wanted her to stay and get the help that she needed.  Of course to Gran, that meant I was a bad daughter.  The conversation became heated and no matter what I said or how I answered a question - I'm a bad daughter.  My mom has issues.  Ones that she will not deal with, but is smart enough to manipulate others and situations to get her desired outcome.  I don't play games, I don't get along with drama queens, and I stink at the "don't tell her I told you but..." stuff.  After this confrontation with gran, I didn't speak with her until weeks later.  I was in Baltimore visiting.  She didn't speak to me at all.  After a few moments of her not responding to me I told her it was fine to ignore me, but she couldn't ignore my children.  She polightly looked at them and said hello.  It was at that visit I saw her get all crazy on my cousin.  The favored one.  While at my aunts this week, she was invited over - but wouldn't come.

So why would a person tell you to keep a secret- to spare someone pain.  Placing this guilt on you about how much that would hurt them.  Just to turn around and tell them?  At heir most vulnerable time?  Is it a control thing?  Did she need to control?  Was it because she was upset at me?  So she used this to drive a wedge?  Not that there wasn't already one, but still.

I am not sure what to do.  I have a hard time sitting on this.  I should, just sit on it.  Let it roll.  If I had known this information about 6 hours sooner, I wouldn't have hushed my child when she started talking about my dad and his new wife.  I would have let it roll on out.  I thought about calling my grandmother today.  Telling her I am sorry that she couldn't have come over to visit.  I thought about calling my mom and saying - "I've struggled with how to tell you or what to say... granny asked me to not say anything for fear of you getting hurt".  Then I would be throwing my grandmother under the bus.

The past few years I have struggled with this, having a relationship with both of my parents and not being able to say anything - having to censor conversations with mom.  There is already very little she can relate to in my life, but this was an unfair feeling of betrayal I had been lugging around.  So I should be relieved right - cat is out of the bag?  But why has she not said anything?  Hmmm.

Maybe because she too has had a bit of a secret life that no one really knew about until this week?  Hmmmm.  It's not in my personality to sit back and say nothing.  Not about her little secret...  that's just funny.  I feel betrayed by my  grandmother. To be so blatant about not speaking to me or seeing me for the last 4 months, and then telling my mom the very thing she threatened me never to say.

Ah, the webs that we weave.  What's that saying?  The webs we weave when we first try to deceive?  I really gotta think about this one.

What kind of game is she playing? With my mom and with all us grandchildren.

Spin spin little spider.. you will only tangle your self in your little web.

oh- can someone teach me to watermark my photos?  I want credit for getting so close to this beast.

family rediscovered

What an interesting two days I have had.  I went to visit family... yes I know that is usually the start to some emotional roller coaster and a days worth of recovery.  HOWEVER~ this time was different.

As I drove home today in complete silence, I reflected about the past 24 hours and how much they had changed my perspective of things.  At times I was angry, saddened, perplexed, elated, and refreshed.

See, last night, i discovered a whole new window of opportunity.  On the one hand I was excited about this new friendship, this commonality, this new discovery that had been made... then I was confused. As excited as I was about opening a new door, starting a new chapter in my life with my cousin... I was frustrated and a little bitter about all the time that had been missed out on.  Purely because of 1 or 2 people and letting their perceptions be my own.

I had been brought up feeling I could never measure up to my cousins.  Even as an adult, I would hear how fabulous they had it and how I was a disappointment and a snob.  Well, turns out, my cousin had been given the same story.  When she told me that she was dealing with feelings of inferiority - I think I laughed!  Why? How? Then there became one common thread.  Grandma.  I heard about my failures and how I could be better through grandma, turns out, she heard the same.  Funny thing is my grandmother only knew what my mother had told her and if you have been reading this blog, or have ever met me, you will know that isn't much! SO, every half truth is inflated.

My mom's sister is my godmother and I have always favored her.  She keeps the family together and is one of the most selfless people I know.  Ask anyone.  I had a friend that had a layover in Baltimore with her child, I didn't hesitate to ask my aunt to open her home, because I knew if she could she would, and my friend would be welcome there.  I'm not just saying this all because my aunt and cousin know about this blog - but because it is truth and needs to be said.  My aunt has become even more dear to me as I parent my child with ADHD.  She has been there and can relate to my struggle, listen without judgement, and offer sound advice or encouragement.

Over the past few years, I felt I had to sneak around to have time with my aunt.  My mom is very jealous of her and hates that I have a relationship with her.  The fact that my youngest thinks she's the best and wants her to be her grandmother instead of my mother.. yeah, that didn't help.  So since the crud has been hitting the fan where my mom is concerned, we planed an overnight with this Astounding Aunt.  We masked the time and made it a sleepover for the kids to get to know their cousins.  I was thrilled to have some time with my aunt and not stress about D2.

Last night, everything was thrown out on the table.  Stories were compared - and truths discovered.  My cousin and I have a lot in common.  We have children about the same age, we like pina coladas mixed with strawberry, and even have the same favorite colors.  I loved sitting at the table and laughing.  Laughing without judgement, being genuine, and just talking.

I have been unfair.  She is an amazing woman.  Just like the post from 2 July, people change and so have I.  It is unfair to leave our opinions of them - our misguided opinions of them - in a frozen state.

I rediscovered my cousin last night.  I uncovered some crazy truths about other family members.  I learned about a small betrayal that I am still rumbling about.  And I expect to be blogging about this visit for a few days.  I am a verbal processor and since husband is TDY in Europe (grumble grumble)... I'll just have to blog it out.

Friends...

Something I had to share...


A friend loves you all the time. — Proverbs 17:17 NCV

Every friendship arises out of some kind of invitation. Inviting is active. Inviting says, “I was thinking about you, and I am requesting your presence.” Inviting says, “I have made time for you and me to celebrate.” Inviting makes a hopeful promise of good times.
To the party of friendship, you must bring a gift. You’ve been invited, remember? “Your presence is requested.” It would be far easier to bring a kitchen gadget. C. S. Lewis cautions us that we may act kindly, correctly, justly . . . and yet withhold the giving of ourselves, which is love. To offer a vulnerable nugget of your soul that has been mined from a deep, sometimes dark, place is more valuable than gold to your friend.
— Nicole Johnson

The word friend is often misused.

To say someone is your friend means what?  Does it mean that you would call them to share you good news & bad news?  OR  Does it mean that you simply know that person?

A friend should be trustworthy. Unconditional. Nonjudgemental. Forgiving. Honest. Real.  A good friend can show up at your messy house, move a pile of laundry on your couch and share a glass of tea, just because.  The great friend will help you fold that pile of laundry!

Good friends will love your children, if for no other reason just because you do.  If your child requires something extra - they will take a moment to understand your child's special needs, making you & your child feel safe and loved.

Disclaimers are not required with friends.  If you tell them you are ready to sell your children to the Gypsies, they will know you are not serious and that loosing your children would be like loosing the ability to breathe.

A good friend listens to you, even when you ramble on, and they love you anyway.  They cry when you hurt, they laugh when you laugh at yourself, and they rejoice with you about even the little things.

They find the good in you even when you can't.  You leave them feeling better than when you arrived.  Not wondering if you are being judged.

Friendships cross all levels of social class, education, race, and interests.

I am learning that there are many types and levels of friendship.  My neighbor said to me Thursday - "friendships should be easy".  She was talking about how real friendships are void of judgement, expectations, and stress.  If you leave a conversation with a friend feeling bad about yourself... I think this is not a great friend.

As I talk with many 'friends' throughout my day, I kept thinking... friendships are supposed to be easy... is this easy?

Now I think I will be careful with my words.  Instead of saying 'my friend', I may say 'I know this gal who...'  Also, it's okay not to be friends with everyone.  Everyone should be friends with me though.  HA!

When I think about why people ask for my friendship... Instead of thinking I have nothing to offer them - I will remember my real friends. The ones who build me up, who love me just because.  The friends who don't want anything but "a vulnerable nugget of your soul that has been mined from a deep, sometimes dark, place." 

Tell me, what makes your real friends, your friend?

Worth being quiet for...

I have so much going on and I know that writing would be therapeutic, but if I were to write at this time, you may call social services, the men with the straight jacket, or declare me crazy.  SO for this time, while I collect my thoughts and gain perspepctive... I am simply going to post some pictures I have been taking and working with this past week.  I hope you enjoy them, and take a moment to enjoy.

This was taken in haste.  Bringing the camera from the cool house out into the humid air, was not a wise move.  The lens fogged up and took what seemed like and eternity to clear.

It was worth the wait because brighter Humming birds cam by ready to be photographed.

ahh, much better

Word of the day

Brilliant.

shining brightly; sparkling; glittering; 

distinguished; illustrious; 

having or showing great intelligence, talent, quality;

splendid or magnificent

I just got off the phone with a friend who is working on a paper.  She is an amazing woman, as most of my friends are, and a person that I admire.  I told her to "be brilliant".  I thought to myself, brilliant... hmm.  There is a great word.

Putting sarcastic tones aside, just say that word aloud. Brilliant. You have to move your mouth. Your tongue must move, your lips must touch, and you should articulate and not mumble.  Do all these things and something happens.  Go ahead... try it a few times.  Aloud.  Brilliant.  Brilliant.  Now say "Be Brilliant!"  Did you notice anything?

Compare to the word 'good'.

Say "I am good".  Then say "I am brilliant".  If you were honest with yourself I think you would see that the word Brilliant is a fabulous word!  (fabulous being one of my personal favorite words).

The word Brilliant can be a fun word to say.  You can roll your r's.  You can shake your head side to side.  You can exclaim.  You could even do all three things at once and I bet you will have a smile on your face.

Go ahead - try it.

Just have some fun with the word today.  Use it whenever possible.  "that lemonade was brilliant", ""your outfit is brilliant", "my friend Jen is brilliant".  Okay, I know I said no sarcasm.

Let me know what you think - how did you use the word today?

I wish for you all to have a BRILLIANT day!!

Isn't it beautiful?

This is a street in Bernkastel Germany.  I fell in love with the cobblestone and the tall crooked buildings that lined the way.  It was a foggy day. No matter, it was still filled with hustle and bustle of the local shops.  I had to be patient to get this shot.  One without cars or people. Yes, cars. Of course only one car at a time could fit.  Never mind the car/people combination at times.  See the railing on the left?

I find I get lost in this picture.  Not sure why.  Maybe the way the road climbs into the foggy unknown.  Maybe the image of horse and carriages filling this road long before cars and delivery vans.  Maybe it's thinking about how these buildings were constructed hundreds and hundreds of years ago.  The amount of history that has taken place on these very roads.  Whatever the reason, this picture has been a calming image to me this week.

The journey between the past and the present is sometimes a long journey.  Who we are today is far different than the person we were 10, 20, 30 years ago.  Some of us change for the good.  Some of for the not so good.  Either way, our choices and experiences form us into the person we have become in the present.  Sometimes we get there without any big life changing event - it's just who we become.  Some of us take chances and make choices  that give us experiences that we would never have had if we didn't take that chance. Others may have dramatic things happen, both positive or negative, that cause them to make certain choices about their lives.  We realize that we change.  We realize that who we were in high school is not the person we are now.  So, why is it then... we forget that others change too?

Isn't it unfair to be proud of the person you have become and not give anyone else the option of also becoming a better person?  Sure it is.  Especially if that person is someone who has caused you to make conscious decisions about how you live your life.

This week I was visited by my past.  I had not spent any significant time with this person in about 24 years.  There has been the occasional phone call here and there.  A visit that would last for 1-3 hours every 3-5 years.  But to spend real quality time... that is a lot to ask.

I don't do well with surprises.  I like to know the who, what, when, where, why, and how as much as I can.  Yes I know I have control issues.  I am a planner.  The more notice I have, the better.  So to get a phone call Sunday afternoon that I am getting company Wednesday from this person, was not a very soothing experience for me.

Tuesday I spent in a whirlwind of anxiety.  Uncertain of what would be expected of me.  What I was supposed to do.  How I was supposed to act.  Was I going to cook meals, and if so what?  Would they be acceptable?  Is my house clean enough?  Are my children good enough. Am I good enough? Will he be disappointed in me?  Then the biggest question of all... Why oh why do I care so much?  Why was this eating me alive inside?  Why did I still have this fear?  I knew that a trauma in his life had given him a new perspective on life - so why would I expect him to be the same demeaning man he was 25 years ago?

I could not have made it though the first few hours without the love and encouragement of my husband and friends.  The visit was a success.  It was great to get to know this man who I had once feared.  Then had learned to love and have compassion for.  Things were not all sunshine and roses.  There were plenty of awkward moments.  Stories from memory lane, that sometimes stopped dead in their telling because they didn't always have happy endings.  Overall, it was a good visit.  It was emotionally draining, but a good visit.  How selfish of me to not think that he too could change.  Shame on me for doubting myself and second guessing my entire life.

People do change.

Sometimes we have to take a chance.  Grab on tight to the railing, and make the journey up the narrow path and into the foggy future.  Yes, I believe that is it.  I think that it why this picture has stuck with me all week.  I was holding on to that rail and taking one step at a time hopeful that no cars would come zooming by, taking me back from where I once was.

Summer Time....

Summer time.

I love summer.  I have especially looked forward to this summer.  We are not moving. We are not in the middle of some base exercise. We are not committed to anything other than having a fun summer.

The slip-n-slide, double wide, is well broken in. The ice shaver is running and shaving mountains of ice.  The basement awaits, nice and cool, with snugly blankets and movies to watch while we cool off.  

Plans for library visits, piano lessons, day trips to the beach, lunch with daddy, sleeping in late, and weekends made for relaxing.. that will be our summer.  

This year has been a long year and a short year.  Is that possible?  Third grade was full of testing.  Test, test, and another test.  By the time they did their SOL (standard of learning) exams - everyone was ready for school to be over.  The girls finished up wonderfully.  We are very proud.  I wont brag here about them, that's what the family blog is for.  I will say, they both achieved their goals and far exceeded mine.

Imagine their surprise when I announced that they will continue with reading everyday.  Not so bad right? Now imagine their surprise when I told them they had to write about what they read. HA!  I'm not asking for a 10 page review.  Just a paragraph telling about the story - what they liked, what character they liked... that kind of thing.  

They both grumbled - D1 cried - but when it comes down to it - I can set the timer for 30 minutes and at the end they ask if they can keep going... So, I'm not all that mean I guess.  

I am looking forward to discovering the library and a used book store my friend has raved about.  Taking day trips and taking fun photos.  Afternoons of playing barbies, painting, dancing around, bike rides, wii competitions, steamed crabs and barbeque.  I look forward to a great summer, one day at a time. Relishing in the little things and smiling all the way.

busy, busy, busy... not really in comparison..

The ebb and flow of a busy life.  Some say that if you are a stay at home mom, you have all the time in the world.  It's true.  The common misperception that is.  When teachers & coaches look for someone to help out with tasks, the first they look to are the stay at home moms.  "oh, I can ask Sally, she's home all day & doesn't work." Don't worry, this isn't my stay at home mom soap box - I am actually going somewhere else with this point.  Actually, it isn't a point at all but rather a thought to ponder.

There are moments in my life, since I stopped working and became a SAHM, that I was overcommitted with activities.  I was knee deep with church involvements, Military spouse commitments, clubs, and oh yeah, being a mom to toddlers and a wife.  It was a whirlwind at times, but I managed.  I have always been a very independent, self-sufficient, task oriented woman.  Then I had children.  I still was on a mission, craved a schedule, and took on the world, but more and more went by the wayside.  Children can change those things, and new perspectives are in order.  As the girls got older I got back in the groove.  I wasn't just part of something, I was the one responsible for that something.  My calendar, color coded of course, looked as though a rainbow had vomited all over it.

In the last year, my calendar has changed dramatically.  the things I am doing, aside from mothering, are not change the world kind of things.  But there is this level of feeling overwhelmed that creeps in and takes hold of me.  I become emotionally drained over the little things.  Today for example, I sent the girls to school and soon I will have coffee with a friend.  After that I will stop by the house to see how the painters are doing - redoing the botched paint job they did on our deck.  Then it is off to school to volunteer.  D2 has a dr appointment today with a counselor for the ADHD.  My day should end nicely about 6pm.  None of these things are hugely stressful.  Yet I feel heavy.  There are things that are lingering that I need to get done, that I have the mental motivation, but they are not getting done.  Where has the drive gone?  I am trying to be a cheerleader for my family.  "I've got this... go on, don't worry" is what I say.  Truth be told, I am not sure I do "got this".

Why is it the more we take on, the more productive we are?

Or are we?

Is it because my focus now isn't about the quick fixes and taskers for others - but rather the long term investments of time and other things are heavy because they are beyond my control?

I can't control the deck people doing a bad job on our deck.  I can't control when the toilet breaks.  I can't control my daughter's ADHD and know everything I need to do to help her. I can't control when the military sends my husband away.  I can't control the bully at school.

You know they say the hardest advice to take is your own.  What would I tell me?

Too old to be read to? No way!

I have always loved the stories of Roald Dahl.  The words he chooses for his stories paint such amazing images.  Even as an adult I love reading his stories.

My girls are both advanced readers and so when they started reading so much on their own, I somehow thought that I didn't need to continue to read to them.  Sure, there was a story here and there.  A few bedtime stories that I would make up off the cuff.  But to engage in a chapter book night after night - just never seemed to take off.  I would suggest some stories, that in my opinion were great stories, but the girls would shrug their shoulders and tell me they would think about it.. for next time.

I felt they were missing out.  I didn't want them to give to the pressures of reading all the new & current stories out there for children.  We recently attended the schools book fair.  Now, I am a HUGE fan of book fairs, but this one made me head to the nearest books store and really start looking for good stories for my children.  The school's book fair didn't have much of a selection to start.  Especially on their reading level.  What was more concerning was that most of the books lacked any sort of family.  Reading the summary I found, on most of the books, that the character in the story had lost their parents and had to go live on an island and they hated their grandparents.  That they had one parent and hated that parent.  All of these children in the stories were about 10 and had lost one or both of their parents.  OR their parents were cruel and so the child was full of resentment.  Or they dealt with issues that my girls just don't need to know about yet.

Before I go on, I know that the above story starts off with the boys parents being killed in a car crash.  But he ADORES his Grandmother who loves and takes care of him.  Many classics have some sort of oppression in the family, but there is love, there is security and the family may be a little different, but there is a new form of family that is developed. Maybe through a teacher that saw something special in a child, maybe through a neighbor, or a grandparent.  Not through hatred and anger.  They certainly don't deal with puberty and boyfriends and teenage pregnancy.  My 8 & 9 year old daughters, just don't need that in their fictional reading.

So I have steered my children back to the "old" stories.  D1 fell in love with the BFG and Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.  D2 loved the Fantastic Mr. Fox and Matilda.  They wanted something a little more "gripping", was the word D1 used.  I didn't want them scared out of their wits and I wanted them to see how fun it can be to use your imagination.  "The Witches" it was.

I started reading it aloud and the girls were doing their own thing - not seeming to pay all that much attention to this old book that mom wanted them to read.  I only read about 2-3 pages from the first chapter. I closed the book.  At the same time they looked at me and said - "then what happened?... you can't just stop there".  They were hooked.  Every night so far they have loved sitting and listening to the story.  I especially love how each chapter leaves you longing to know what happens next.  They have been telling their friends about what they heard in the story and are excited every day to hear more.

Now, we don't believe in witches, or any thing of the sort.  I think that is why I like this book.  It keeps things light.  In the beginning when the Grandmother is describing a witch and why they are so mean... the boy asks about going to bed - if he will be safe.  Roald Dahl does a great job by telling us that Witches don't use guns, or break into houses, or anything of the sort... because that would get them caught and that would be no good.  I could see the relief in D1's face.  Just when the story would get a bit intense, there was humor.

I know plenty of parents who let their children watch & read all sorts of scary things.  They believe that it's good for their kids.  We feel that the real world is already full of those things, so lets keep fiction fiction.  They don't need to see movies about kidnappings, and murders, witches who posses and destroy.  We will stick to silly thing like magical chocolate factories and witches turning children into mice.  I am sure there are some who find fault with our philosophy of what we let the girls watch & read.  That's okay.  That is why we live in a country that gives us that privilege.

The toughest part about reading to the girls... they like pictures and I have forbidden the peeking of pictures.  I want them to see how wonderful words can be.  How by using different words, even creating words to describe some things, can be magical.  If they see the picture and it isn't as they had imagined, they will question the rest of their images, they will be distracted and try to fit the books image into their little head.  There are not many images any  way, and they are mere sketches... so I think they will survive.

I remember my fourth grade teacher reading to us at the end of the school day, if we had our work done and there was time.  I hung on every word she read and remember how great that was.  She read "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle, and I thought it was the best book ever.

We are never to old to read aloud or be read to.  I am so glad that my girls have reminded me of that.  Looking up from the pages, seeing them wide eyed and curious.  Ending a chapter and having them begging for just one more page...  Yep, that is all it took for me.  I look forward to a summer full of turning off the TV and letting our imaginations soar.

The other half of my heart...

Daughter 1 (D1)

Those eyes... those gorgeous eyes.

Every night before Husband and I go to bed, we check in on the girls to be sure they are covered and secure.  Last night I went to check on D1 and she had the most precious look on her face.  I instantly flashed back about 8 years and saw her lying in her crib.  Something about the look on her face - so sweet, serene, so innocent.  Tears instantly filled my eyes.  To think of all she has experienced in her 9 short years of life.  She has lived in 3 countries and has moved 4 times.  She has grown so much and is becoming a wonderful young lady.  

D1 is extremely intelligent.  Things come very easy to her and the way she processes information and relates that information to her day to day life is profound.  She is creative.  The stories she writes are wonderful and amazingly thorough.  She is happy to be by herself with a good book or a blank piece of paper.  

When I taught preschool - I never wanted my students to feel like they had to follow a certain rule to color.  I wanted them to be free to color a house orange, a tree blue, or a person magenta.  I became a huge advocate of blank paper and crayons.  

Before D1 was 2 years old, she held a crayon properly and would draw with purpose.  It was amazing to watch.  The scribble phase didn't last very long.  She went straight to circles and faces.  We had plenty of coloring books, but D1 would grab a blank sheet of paper and let her imagination come alive.  I love that!!  

Two years ago we went to Spain and stayed in a hotel right next to the Mediterranean Sea.  We could only pack a back pack for our trip and the first thing that D1 packed - a blank notebook, and color pencils.  Her plan was to sit on the beach and write.  And she did.  

She was free to relax and do what she loves most.  Write.  

It hasn't always been easy for her.  In 2008, she started having major anxiety.  She would flip out in crowds, new situations, and sometimes basic transitions would be more than she could handle.  We sought help - but things didn't seem to improve that much.  When we moved, I met with the teacher and told her a little about D1 and her struggle with anxiety.  

Now 10 months later, D1 is a different child.  She orders her own food at restaurants, she steps out of her comfort zone to make friends, she sticks up for herself and for what is right.  

Most recently, the school was advertising for applications for the FLL.  The First Lego League.  A group of children that, on their own, construct a robot from Legos and use computer software to program the robot to accomplish certain tasks.  This is a team of 5 children from 4th grade and 5 from the 5th grade.  D1 talked about wanting to apply, but thought since there were so many kids applying she wouldn't stand a chance.  I left it up to her to decide.  A few days later, she brought home the application packet.  She had questions to answer, there were questions I had to answer, and she needed a teacher recommendation.  She asked me what I thought she should do.  My only advise to her was that she wouldn't know unless she tried.  That things would be no different if she didn't get selected.  However - if she didn't apply, would she wonder about the "what ifs"?  I filled out my portion and didn't say another word to her about it.  She met the deadline, and a week later we were waiting for the results.  The letter came home, and D1 was selected to be a part of next years FLL.  I was so proud of my lil girl.  A year ago, I don't know that she would have put herself out there like that.  She has come so far and overcome so many obstacles.  She has a much better perspective on life, and what she is capable of.  

Unlike her sister, D1 wont just come out and tell you what she is thinking, you have to work for it.  She process things over and over and tries to figure it all out for herself.  It's a balancing act I do between them.  I hear so much about what D2 is thinking - that I have to shift gears and probe into the mind of D1.  

When I looked at her sleeping so peacefully last night, I was taken back through many memories.  Taken back by how quickly time is passing by.  Reminded of the breath taking moments that I have been honored to share with her.  She is such a little lady, with a heart pure as gold.  I admire her for the beautiful girl she is today and for the amazing woman she will become.  

half my heart....

D2 (daughter 2)

Take a moment and just look at this face.  

This is the face of unpredictability.  Is she going to laugh? Make a loud funny noise? Cry? Stick out her tongue?  You just never know with this one.  Her brain goes faster than the speed of light.  Some times her body does too.  She is a tough act to keep up with.  She is very intelligent.  Insightful, caring, loving, vulnerable, energetic, enthusiastic, fun, optimistic....  She is also hurting.  D2 is a pleaser.

As I mentioned in the last post, D2 takes medication for her ADHD.  The last two weeks D2 has become more impulsive, more unpredictable, and more frustrated with herself.  Her mind is going so fast and the rest of her just can not keep up.  She is so smart that she tries to analyze herself - aware of her ADHD and aware that she needs to use skills that she has learned to get through situations.  Like a switch though, it seems her medication is doing very little to help her out.  She takes her pill at 7:30 and normally she would be focused until about 5pm.  These last few days - she takes her pill at 7:30 and by 12:30 - 1:00 she is loosing control.  By the time she gets off the bus at 3, she is an emotional wreck.  She puts up a tough front at school - then gets off the bus and needs about 30 minutes to unwind.  Well, unwind from the emotions - the rest of her continues to wind right up!!  Climbing door frames, counters, cabinets, steps, anything she can climb - just because.  Riding a bike- nope- she can't focus enough to stay on it for more than a minute because her body is in perpetual motion.  She cant remember an instruction for more than 10 seconds - then crumbles when I get on her for not doing what she is told.  sigh.

The earliest we can get into the doctor is next Thursday.  The Behavior Therapist has nothing available until July - August!  sigh.

It's frustrating.  I wanna make it all better for her.  She struggles with herself.  I sometimes don't know how I can make it through some days.  Being firm, yet sensitive to what she is going through.  I get so discouraged - and feel so alone.  D2 is an amazing lil girl.  She will grow into a strong and amazing woman one day.  Her Doctor may need to give me a lil something to help me see her to that day - but regardless - I know that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind too.  We just need to learn how to set her mind to one thing!

Just look at that face.  Seconds after that picture was taken - she broke out dancing.  I am blessed to have her in my life.  I am blessed that I was chosen to be her mom.  I am blessed to have her hugs be so strong that I loose my breath.  I am blessed that as I write about her - I tear up - my heart full of hope and love for her.  She always makes me smile, makes me laugh, and makes me glad to be a mom.