so numb it hurts

waiting.
who likes it?
anyone?

I don't.  I hate to wait.  Even more, I hate uncertainty.  Waiting with uncertainty... yep, that about does me in.  Uncertainty makes me crazy.

D2 had all her testing done last week.  A week ago today in fact.  We were scheduled to get the results of that testing on Thursday the 9th.  It has been a LONG week.  Since D2 was unmedicated for 24 hours on the 30th, nothing has been the same.  We thought that the medication was not having much of an effect on her, but when we had taken her off the medication we saw just how much the medication was doing for her.  YIKES!!  We had no idea how good we had things.  Off meds D2 became a child I could hardly recognize.  Loud, repeditive, angry, defiant, and unaffectionate.

She began taking her meds again the next day and was so calm it was scary.  Then on Thursday she was back to "normal" except now when her meds are wearing off about 6pm, life becomes very intense.  If one thing is out of place, different, or changes....the world comes crashing down around you before you even know what happened.  This is especially delightful when in public and with people who don't have an understanding of there being a problem.

Saturday night we went out to eat at Cracker Barrel.  Things were going well until the food came out.  Typically food comes in separate dishes.  Not this time.  D2's mashed potatoes were touching her chicken strips.  Thinking fast, I asked the waitress for a bowl.  We then scraped the taters into the bowl.  Problem solved right?  Wrong.  See, NORMALLY the taters are in the shape of the scoop, since we did the scraping, they were dry and falling apart.  Huge break down.  For a normal child this would be just silly - for D2 this is earth shattering.  Judgement was instantly upon us.  Then spinning us into an evening excusing our selves from the table and having a "come to Jesus meeting" every time we did.

Our evenings are spent this way more and more.  Each one becoming more tiresome then the next.  I was really looking forward to this Thursday's appointment.  I know that what ever we learn about the results on D2 will not instantly fix everything.  I know that it wont be this huge magical moment that will make all the hurt go away.  What it WILL do is validate me as a mom.  Give me a place to start.  Telling me she has "abc syndrome" will then give me a ground zero.  I can begin to research what to do, how to help her function.  How to return our home to some state of normal.  Not that our home life will be normal, but being informed about what is going on and what to do, will help us to structure our lives and establish a new kind of normal.

Hmm, Saying that reminds me of my friends book "Some Kind of Normal".  It's about a mother and her journey as she discovers her daughter is diabetic.  Summing that story in one sentence doesn't give the praise that book deserves, but I know Heidi will forgive me.  See in that story the mom goes through this crazy whirlwind of emotions.  Many of which I am finding myself in the midst of.  She learned a lot about herself.  He strengths and her weaknesses.  Her friends, her marriage, her son, and her faith.  I felt a connection with this book when I read it last May.  Now I recall things from that book that I relate to even more.  To look at the book, you may think "oh it's about diabetics, I can't relate".  Shame on you. If you are human, a mother, and have any compassion - you will like this book.  Okay, enough on that.

Yesterday afternoon the doctor called and said we needed to reschedule D2's appointment.  The first thing I felt were my eyes welling up and the urge to vomit.  RESCHEDULE?  She said some company line thing about wanting to be sure to have a comprehensive report..blah, blah, blah, I don't even know.  Her next available was Tuesday which wouldn't work b/c it's D1's birthday and she needs to have her day NOT be about her sister.  So we had to go with Wednesday afternoon.  I told the doctor "we're struggling here!"  Her reply was that it was just a few more days.  Sure for her!  She's young, single, and not dealing with the day to day anguish that I am.

I hung up.  I cried out.  I cried like someone had just ripped out my heart.  I called out.

Another week.  NOT a few days, another WEEK!

I am growing numb.  I wake up my love in the morning, to be greeted by yelling and arguments.  I put on my tough face, my tough love voice, and deal.  Then when I turn around I see D1 doing everything she is supposed to do without being told.  Looking at me with a smile and seeking my approval.  I praise her, only to hear the screams from the other room of how much better D1 is than D2.  The comparison.  I start to praise and talk to D1 in private, in a lower voice.  Just to avoid the conflict.  Meanwhile deepening the conflict that stirs within me.  This bi-polar approach I have to take to mothering.  It's tough feeling like two people.  Tiresome.  By bed time I have nothing left.  Nothing left for my man who I adore.  Nothing left for my marriage.

Just numb.

I crawl into bed to sleep in 1-2 hour increments.  To wake to the alarm and do it all over again.  In the hours that they are at school, I try to maintain life.  Volunteering at the school, being a good friend to others, cleaning the house, and the daily tasks that come with being a mom.  All of which I seem to be failing miserably.  But to avoid the feeling of failure, the hope of an answer, the loneliness, I become numb.

Without numbness there are tears, when those tears are released there is the realization of anguish.  I know that my JOY is right around the corner.  I know because there is this other great book - the bible - that tells me so.  In fact I recently attended a conference that was all about my anguish and how it will turn to joy.  How at times this anguish can even coexist with Joy.  I'll share that in my next post.  Since I am on Husbands laptop, he probably wouldn't appreciate all the tears clogging up his keyboard.  For now I will sip my Caramel Brulee' Latte, take deep breaths, and psych myself up to volunteer at school today.