The other half of my heart...

Daughter 1 (D1)

Those eyes... those gorgeous eyes.

Every night before Husband and I go to bed, we check in on the girls to be sure they are covered and secure.  Last night I went to check on D1 and she had the most precious look on her face.  I instantly flashed back about 8 years and saw her lying in her crib.  Something about the look on her face - so sweet, serene, so innocent.  Tears instantly filled my eyes.  To think of all she has experienced in her 9 short years of life.  She has lived in 3 countries and has moved 4 times.  She has grown so much and is becoming a wonderful young lady.  

D1 is extremely intelligent.  Things come very easy to her and the way she processes information and relates that information to her day to day life is profound.  She is creative.  The stories she writes are wonderful and amazingly thorough.  She is happy to be by herself with a good book or a blank piece of paper.  

When I taught preschool - I never wanted my students to feel like they had to follow a certain rule to color.  I wanted them to be free to color a house orange, a tree blue, or a person magenta.  I became a huge advocate of blank paper and crayons.  

Before D1 was 2 years old, she held a crayon properly and would draw with purpose.  It was amazing to watch.  The scribble phase didn't last very long.  She went straight to circles and faces.  We had plenty of coloring books, but D1 would grab a blank sheet of paper and let her imagination come alive.  I love that!!  

Two years ago we went to Spain and stayed in a hotel right next to the Mediterranean Sea.  We could only pack a back pack for our trip and the first thing that D1 packed - a blank notebook, and color pencils.  Her plan was to sit on the beach and write.  And she did.  

She was free to relax and do what she loves most.  Write.  

It hasn't always been easy for her.  In 2008, she started having major anxiety.  She would flip out in crowds, new situations, and sometimes basic transitions would be more than she could handle.  We sought help - but things didn't seem to improve that much.  When we moved, I met with the teacher and told her a little about D1 and her struggle with anxiety.  

Now 10 months later, D1 is a different child.  She orders her own food at restaurants, she steps out of her comfort zone to make friends, she sticks up for herself and for what is right.  

Most recently, the school was advertising for applications for the FLL.  The First Lego League.  A group of children that, on their own, construct a robot from Legos and use computer software to program the robot to accomplish certain tasks.  This is a team of 5 children from 4th grade and 5 from the 5th grade.  D1 talked about wanting to apply, but thought since there were so many kids applying she wouldn't stand a chance.  I left it up to her to decide.  A few days later, she brought home the application packet.  She had questions to answer, there were questions I had to answer, and she needed a teacher recommendation.  She asked me what I thought she should do.  My only advise to her was that she wouldn't know unless she tried.  That things would be no different if she didn't get selected.  However - if she didn't apply, would she wonder about the "what ifs"?  I filled out my portion and didn't say another word to her about it.  She met the deadline, and a week later we were waiting for the results.  The letter came home, and D1 was selected to be a part of next years FLL.  I was so proud of my lil girl.  A year ago, I don't know that she would have put herself out there like that.  She has come so far and overcome so many obstacles.  She has a much better perspective on life, and what she is capable of.  

Unlike her sister, D1 wont just come out and tell you what she is thinking, you have to work for it.  She process things over and over and tries to figure it all out for herself.  It's a balancing act I do between them.  I hear so much about what D2 is thinking - that I have to shift gears and probe into the mind of D1.  

When I looked at her sleeping so peacefully last night, I was taken back through many memories.  Taken back by how quickly time is passing by.  Reminded of the breath taking moments that I have been honored to share with her.  She is such a little lady, with a heart pure as gold.  I admire her for the beautiful girl she is today and for the amazing woman she will become.  

half my heart....

D2 (daughter 2)

Take a moment and just look at this face.  

This is the face of unpredictability.  Is she going to laugh? Make a loud funny noise? Cry? Stick out her tongue?  You just never know with this one.  Her brain goes faster than the speed of light.  Some times her body does too.  She is a tough act to keep up with.  She is very intelligent.  Insightful, caring, loving, vulnerable, energetic, enthusiastic, fun, optimistic....  She is also hurting.  D2 is a pleaser.

As I mentioned in the last post, D2 takes medication for her ADHD.  The last two weeks D2 has become more impulsive, more unpredictable, and more frustrated with herself.  Her mind is going so fast and the rest of her just can not keep up.  She is so smart that she tries to analyze herself - aware of her ADHD and aware that she needs to use skills that she has learned to get through situations.  Like a switch though, it seems her medication is doing very little to help her out.  She takes her pill at 7:30 and normally she would be focused until about 5pm.  These last few days - she takes her pill at 7:30 and by 12:30 - 1:00 she is loosing control.  By the time she gets off the bus at 3, she is an emotional wreck.  She puts up a tough front at school - then gets off the bus and needs about 30 minutes to unwind.  Well, unwind from the emotions - the rest of her continues to wind right up!!  Climbing door frames, counters, cabinets, steps, anything she can climb - just because.  Riding a bike- nope- she can't focus enough to stay on it for more than a minute because her body is in perpetual motion.  She cant remember an instruction for more than 10 seconds - then crumbles when I get on her for not doing what she is told.  sigh.

The earliest we can get into the doctor is next Thursday.  The Behavior Therapist has nothing available until July - August!  sigh.

It's frustrating.  I wanna make it all better for her.  She struggles with herself.  I sometimes don't know how I can make it through some days.  Being firm, yet sensitive to what she is going through.  I get so discouraged - and feel so alone.  D2 is an amazing lil girl.  She will grow into a strong and amazing woman one day.  Her Doctor may need to give me a lil something to help me see her to that day - but regardless - I know that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind too.  We just need to learn how to set her mind to one thing!

Just look at that face.  Seconds after that picture was taken - she broke out dancing.  I am blessed to have her in my life.  I am blessed that I was chosen to be her mom.  I am blessed to have her hugs be so strong that I loose my breath.  I am blessed that as I write about her - I tear up - my heart full of hope and love for her.  She always makes me smile, makes me laugh, and makes me glad to be a mom.

Little things ... Day 3

can you see it?
can you see the rays shining down?
i find a sense of peace in a sky like this.

Wish it was shining tonight.  Sometimes I feel so lost as a mom.  No matter how much you give and give, it's just never enough.

I had coffee the other day and was talking with a neighbor about parenting a child with ADHD.  See it all seems like no big deal.  That ADHD isn't really anything - just a behavior thing that needs more discipline.  But it isn't.  Not at all.

The reality of ADHD is cheapened by those parents who have spirited children and choose not to discipline and immediately go to the dr to get drugs to sedate their child into submission.  Then there is the generation that thinks ADHD is an excuse parents use to explain away their child's misbehavior.  I know these views because I once shared them.  Until I had a student who was ADHD.  Then when I realized my own daughter is ADHD.  It's frustrating and exhausting.  I am also learning that ADHD in girls is much different than ADHD in boys.

My daughter is ADHD.  At first I thought it was on the low end of the spectrum - but lately - we are climbing that ladder.  It's a lonely one.  It's a tough one to figure out, mainly because you are so caught up in trying to figure out and diffuse the current situation - that when you start to get a hold - you are in a new situation.

I love the new TV drama "Parenthood".  There is a family that has a son who has Asperger Syndrome.  I realize that ADHD is not the same - but there are some similarities.   More so than the son - the parents in this show really stick out to me.  How they are dealing with the outside world.  Their family, friends, and schools.  I find myself connecting with these fictitious people - as though they were examples.

My daughter is impulsive. She is also highly intelligent.  At moments she is out of control - at the moment we have her attention and regain control = she is instantly broken.  She is swimming in a sea of regret and confusion and I am left feeling helpless and cold.  She yearns for affection and acceptance.  Who doesn't.  But for her to seek that so desperately at the age of 8...

So in this weeks thoughts of "the little things.." I am reminded of my lil peanut.  Her life is filled with seemingly little moments - that make dramatic impacts throughout her day.  A smile from a teacher sends her soaring.  Smelling her daddy's cologne after he has gone makes her feel safe.  An adult who she loves not giving her the benefit of showing what she is capable of - crushes her.  Although she is tough stuff - she is also tender hearted.

Isn't that what the little things are made of?

Little things... day two

Thinking this week about the little things that make big differences...

Yes, that's right.  Schweppes.  Only in the glass bottle. The plastic bottles and cans don't taste nearly as wonderful as the small glass bottles.  The sound of the fizz when you crack open the lid, makes me warm inside.  Crazy I know.  I couldn't drink it every day.  No, never mind, I could.

Since we moved back to the states, I like to see the brands and things that we didn't have while over seas.  This is one of those things that I couldn't seem to find.  No offense, but not a Canada Dry fan.   Just last week, I rediscovered my little bottled friend.  Not with the other thousands of soft drinks.  Not with the other lesser ginger ales.  But over in the beer section of the store.  I don't care where it was - I was just happy to find it, in the glass bottle.

You see the glass bottle get colder, and keeps the drink colder.  I like the feel of the cold glass when I take a drink.  Yum.

Maybe everyone knew this - but I don't think I ever realized that Ginger Ale had actual Ginger in it!!!  That is why it is so good for your tummy when it is upset.  When I was pregnant with Daughter 1, I had a bottle of schweppes and those lil orange peanut butter crackers every morning.  Neither of my daughters like fizzy drinks, it's good but a shame.

My in-laws are the ones who introduced me to this wonderful beverage.  I can not pronounce the name correctly, and since we have spent so many years pronouncing it wrong - just to make fun of me - I still am unsure of what it is called.

Anyway - just had to share one of the little things that makes a big difference in my day.

Little things...

The little things are sometimes the things that have the biggest impact.  

Both positive and negative.

Yesterday was Mother's day.  A day set aside to honor mothers.  A day when the kids are encouraged by dad to behave the best they can, to get along, no fighting - because it's Mother's Day after all!

This year Mother's Day was great.  In fact it was the best yet.

Husband's gift was wonderful.  It wasn't something elaborate and over the top.  It wasn't jewelry, a day at the spa, or a weekend away.  This gift was something full of thought and purpose.  It was a book.  Not just any ol book, but a book with meaning.  See, two years ago Husband gave me a wonderful camera.  It's a great camera, very fancy.  However, I know that I have not yet begun to tap into the potential of what this camera can do.  I wanted to learn more.  Husband took the time to find me not just any book about taking pictures, but a very specific, highly recommended book about taking pictures with MY camera.  THAT was wonderful.  A simple gift that spoke volumes and meant even more.

Following suit, the girls also gave remarkable gifts.  As parents we can sometimes fall prey to picking gifts for our children to give.  We may even lead them along a certain path.  I love it when my girls do their own choosing.  On the surface, their gifts may seem odd or unconventional, but to them it's perfect!  When you take a moment and ask them why they chose a particular gift, you will find you are amazed and your heart does an extra flutter.

Daughter 2 once gave her Kinder teacher a garden hoe with an adjustable handle.  Imagine the looks during teacher appreciation week.  Most kids are carrying candles, ties, and candies.  Not my girl.  She knew her teacher loved to garden and that he was due to have back surgery.  She thought this was a perfect gift, he could garden without hurting his back.

Mother's day was not full of fancy dinners.  We ate lunch at Five Guys.  Then we sat on the deck.  We read, painted, had a battle throwing mini marshmallows, and finished off with nerf gun wars in the front yard.

It was a day full of little things.  

Little things that had a huge impact.