The screams of poo

Being a parent of a special needs child carries many emotions.  Many I have shared already - but as I sit her this afternoon listening to the screams.... I need to feel less alone.

At this moment I am listening to the screams of "Mommmmy!!!"  D2 has not pooped in about a week now.  It's the same routine.  We go day to day - then a few days - then a week - and we have even made it past 2 weeks before.  It's something that you just can't make your child do.  You can't make them poop.  You can tell them to poop.  You can confine them to the potty.  You can bribe, barter and punish all you want to - but at the end of the day you can not crawl in their body and make them poop.  No amount of broccoli or Miralax can make her go.

Whoosh - there goes the toilet paper flying off the wall and down the hall.

Pleads & promises between the cries.  Let me get up - I'll promise to come back when I have to go - you're so mean - it's going to hurt - I don't want to do this - I hate myself - I promise to come back in 10 minutes - please stop making me do this - why can't you trust me - I hate you - I hate that I do this to myself - why do I have to be this way?... 

Ear piercing screams.
my head is pounding and I just want to hold her and cry with her.  I have to be strong - I have to disconnect emotionally and be firm. ANY emotion I show will cause her to react more.

When you poop, you can get up...

It seems so cruel.

Don't you love me mommy???  Why are you doing this???

deep breath

because I love you - and I don't want you to die

I used to spend all this time in the bathroom with her.  I can no longer do that.  I look at her and she yells to stop looking at her.  Stop talking to me, she reaches for my hand, don't touch me... so I become trapped in a small room unable to look, talk, or touch my screaming, hurting child.

Now I sit outside & pray.  Except for today.  Today I blog.

Silence.  A calm voice just said, Mommy - could you please turn on the fan?

Success.

I don't know how such a small lil girl can pack in so much poo.

Next will be the affection and the apologies.  The mommy, I never want to wait that long again.  Mommy help me remember to go more often.  Mommy, when you see me start to do the things that help me hold my poop, tell me to go. 


It's the same thing - the same routine - every time.  It's the loop and the life of my child with Autism.  Just one of the many things that I juggle.

I keep thinking of the song Blessings, by Laura Story.  What if my purpose in life was just this?  To keep my daughters safe.  To show them love through every painful circumstance.  Of course you may say, that's the job of a mother - but these were just not the circumstances that I, nor any parent of a special needs child - every dreamed we'd be faced with.

The cries are over.  The screams have been replaced with giggles and the bathroom fan.  In a few minutes, my arms will be filled with snuggles and kisses.  These last 30 minutes will have to be forgotten and I will brace myself with prayer for the next unexpected moment.  For uncertainty is my constant.

What if Blessings do come from Raindrops?

I am one blessed momma.