Webs we weave...

My parents divorce wasn't at all like an after school special.  They didn't take me to a carnival, and while on the ferris wheel tell me they were getting a divorce, it had nothing to do with me, and that they would remain great friends.  No - not at all.

As you may know my father was not Mr. Cleaver and had plenty of issues.  After an accident that changed his life 3 years ago - my relationship with him has completely changed course.  This all had to be kept hush hush from my mom.  I told my trusted aunt and when my grandmother asked me about him, I told her.  She sternly made me promise her that I would never let my mother know.  I remember being so frustrated thinking it was so unfair that I had to basically manage two lives.  Then the kids... how do I explain that they can't talk about certain parts of their lives?  Because my mom, who had been divorced from my dad for longer than they had been together, couldn't breathe when she heard mention of his name.  Yes, he became the "one who must not be named".

Lately it's been tougher, as my kids get to know him, and he started posting on the family blog.  Our relationship is still somewhat superficial, but he still contacts us every few weeks to see how we are doing.

During my time with my aunt, I learned that my grandmother had told my mother that he was involved with my life.  That he has been in touch with the girls.  I don't know which emotion I felt first.  Relief? Anger? Sick?  Betrayed?  Yeah - lets go with that one.  WHY - Why would she tell her that?  AND tell her right after she comes home from a nut house?  Is she trying to throw her over the edge?  After all that is what she said I would be doing if I told her.  That if I told her - I would be responsible for any rash reactions she would have.  That if I told my mother, that she would never forgive me for upsetting her?  HUH!?

Since the filter on my mouth is very thin - I wanted to go visit grandma and ask all these questions.  I paused when I left my aunts house, thought about if I wanted to turn to her house or go home.  I thought it better if I went home.  Nothing would be gained.  She would see no wrong in anything she does.  She is so consumed with enabling my mother... that unless you are on team poor nancy - you are not on the right team.

The day before my mom came home from the hospital she and I talked.  I was disappointed that she was coming home.  I wanted her to stay and get the help that she needed.  Of course to Gran, that meant I was a bad daughter.  The conversation became heated and no matter what I said or how I answered a question - I'm a bad daughter.  My mom has issues.  Ones that she will not deal with, but is smart enough to manipulate others and situations to get her desired outcome.  I don't play games, I don't get along with drama queens, and I stink at the "don't tell her I told you but..." stuff.  After this confrontation with gran, I didn't speak with her until weeks later.  I was in Baltimore visiting.  She didn't speak to me at all.  After a few moments of her not responding to me I told her it was fine to ignore me, but she couldn't ignore my children.  She polightly looked at them and said hello.  It was at that visit I saw her get all crazy on my cousin.  The favored one.  While at my aunts this week, she was invited over - but wouldn't come.

So why would a person tell you to keep a secret- to spare someone pain.  Placing this guilt on you about how much that would hurt them.  Just to turn around and tell them?  At heir most vulnerable time?  Is it a control thing?  Did she need to control?  Was it because she was upset at me?  So she used this to drive a wedge?  Not that there wasn't already one, but still.

I am not sure what to do.  I have a hard time sitting on this.  I should, just sit on it.  Let it roll.  If I had known this information about 6 hours sooner, I wouldn't have hushed my child when she started talking about my dad and his new wife.  I would have let it roll on out.  I thought about calling my grandmother today.  Telling her I am sorry that she couldn't have come over to visit.  I thought about calling my mom and saying - "I've struggled with how to tell you or what to say... granny asked me to not say anything for fear of you getting hurt".  Then I would be throwing my grandmother under the bus.

The past few years I have struggled with this, having a relationship with both of my parents and not being able to say anything - having to censor conversations with mom.  There is already very little she can relate to in my life, but this was an unfair feeling of betrayal I had been lugging around.  So I should be relieved right - cat is out of the bag?  But why has she not said anything?  Hmmm.

Maybe because she too has had a bit of a secret life that no one really knew about until this week?  Hmmmm.  It's not in my personality to sit back and say nothing.  Not about her little secret...  that's just funny.  I feel betrayed by my  grandmother. To be so blatant about not speaking to me or seeing me for the last 4 months, and then telling my mom the very thing she threatened me never to say.

Ah, the webs that we weave.  What's that saying?  The webs we weave when we first try to deceive?  I really gotta think about this one.

What kind of game is she playing? With my mom and with all us grandchildren.

Spin spin little spider.. you will only tangle your self in your little web.

oh- can someone teach me to watermark my photos?  I want credit for getting so close to this beast.