a new happy place...

This past weekend was fabulous. The weather could not have been a more perfect end to summer vacation.  The mornings were in the 60's and that was just perfect for sitting on the deck, curled up with a cup of hot tea, my camera, and my journal.  Even though I live on Wisteria Lane, my deck is a happy place.  It's private, gets the morning sun, and has the most amazing breeze all afternoon.  We even have an abundance of humming birds that I obsess about, spending countless moments taking pictures, trying to get just the right shot.  

Monday morning was my favorite morning on the deck.  My oldest (D1) woke up early with me and joined me outside.  We just sat there and read for a while, then we talked about birthday parties, the start of school, and all about the revolutionary time period.  You didn't see that coming did you?  I loved having this time with D1, she has grown up so much this summer.  I can hardly believe that she is in the 4th grade.  Where did all this time go?  

I enjoyed watching her sitting there, talking about whatever came to her mind.  She is so wise beyond her years.  So mature in some areas, and yet so innocent in many others.  We talked about friendships, and who are good people to have as friends.  Also about the different types of friends.  D1 has some nice friends from school that all have big sisters in high school.  So they are not into playing barbie, American Girl dolls, or singing to Hanna Montana or Taylor Swift.  In fact, they don't even know what they are into.  I want D1 to enjoy being a child.  She has one good friend that she can completely be her silly little self with, and I adore that!!!  Life goes by so fast, that we miss out on what it is to just be a kid.  We fill our child's schedule with one activity after the next - some they don't even care to be a part of.  

Now hold the hate mail, I am not at all suggesting that kids being in activities are bad.  My girls are involved in a few things.  We did learn though, that we have to limit those things a bit so we don't unravel our family.  We zoom from one event to the next and at some point we stop and wonder where did all the time go?  

Some moms were ready for the first day of school.  Some complained it was to long, others to short.  For us, I think summer was perfect.  Yes, we reached our saturation point at times, and we had definitely reached the point where we were ready to get back in the swing of things.  We had a good summer.  We made some great memories.  We made new friends and found ones we never knew we had.  We spent time with family, traveled to New York, PA, and DE.  It was a good summer.

This weekend was the perfect weekend.  It was great to be together, the four of us, playing board games, laughing, and dreaming out loud.  I think I fell in love with them all over again.  

When was the last time you just stopped?  Were just still.  No plans.  Just sit with your kids, your husband and played a game?  Talked about the future?  Asked common questions?  No TV, no computer, just sat and listened to what was milling around in their minds?  Time goes so fast, and we take so much for granted.  We schedule so much in our lives, why not schedule family time.  In fact, schedule it first and make everything else fit around that time.

I can not wait for the weekend, when Husband comes back home, and we can all just relax, and have fun together as a family.  How about you?

Special Parking

Cart Corral at Wegmans that husband thought would work as covered parking.  

I didn't think it would fit.

Turns out, he was right.

Ah, see what happens when the grandparents take the kids for the weekend?

Cleaning cleaning....

I have been trying to get our home clean.  Not just that day to day clean- but the type of cleaning that happens 2-3 times a year.  Some people do a Fall & Spring cleaning.  Mine is Just before school, New years, and just before school ends.   For every step forward I make, my children come along and create 2x the mess.  I know - that's their job - their kids.  BUT!!!  Come on!  Give me something to look back on and see progress!

I think they have been pretty much banished to the basement for playing.  And even then I am checking in and barking orders about putting things away.  I posted about my cleaning on Face Book and my friend asked if I had seen this carton.  I wasn't sure where it was headed at first, but then... well, as my daughter commented - it was a cartoon about me.  HA!  Enjoy.

New Pet?

So we have this critter living outside our front door.  Yes, I said critter.  Anything that is bigger than my big toe is a critter in my world.  It is rather pretty as critters go.  Anyone know what it might be?

Thank heavens for a zoom.  

I just knew this thing would take off at any moment,

 I would fall of the step and smash my camera!

I tried to get a close up of the antenna.  

They look like leaves that you can see each vein.

Okay folks... what is our new pet?  And why wont she leave?

Shifting gears...

Okay, I'm over it.  There is a song I have been listening to today that I learned while with my family - it makes me laugh.  There is a part that says "BANG BANG" and I just giggle.  So I thought I should post things that make me smile.

I love this song.
I know it's long - but go ahead - hit play and listen to it while you read.
It's a good thing to say when you don't know what else to say.  Manah Manah!!

When the girls were little, they thought the guy puppet looked like their Uncle.  HA!

Husband. Who will not appreciate this picture.  We were on a date to the movies and stopped in Brooks Brothers.  There was this super snazzy jacket and he posed for me!!  How could I not take this picture!  We had just seen "From Paris with Love".  Great movie.

Spain. This was a good time. This was the bike path that we crossed to sit on the beach and bask by the Mediterranean Sea.  The girls had fun, and I had fun watching them.  I loved that I went with two great friends and their kids.  No husbands - just us gals.  One day I want to go back with just Husband.






Music.  I Love Music.  All sorts of Music.

It sets the mood.  The mood for fun, dancing, romance, silliness, exercising, driving... for everything, every moment - there is a song to be sung.  I don't know how to put a play list on here.  I know you can b/c my friends do - but I haven't dug that far.  Maybe when I tag my photos - I'll learn music!

Writing.  It is therapeutic, fun, and allows me to ramble without judgement.  Well, until someone else reads it. ;-)

I could go on about other things - but just hitting the biggies, and skipping the obvious... Kids, faith, love.... One more thing is huge...

Friends.
I don't have pictures of all of you.. but you know who you are.
Real friends, which have been described in a previous blog.  I treasure friendships.  My relationships with other women where we can encourage and lift each other up.  I love them.  I love the joy that comes from helping out a friend.  Looking for ways to encourage.  It's a small rush that I get.

Okay - down from my euphoria and back to reality - the kids want dinner.

Webs we weave...

My parents divorce wasn't at all like an after school special.  They didn't take me to a carnival, and while on the ferris wheel tell me they were getting a divorce, it had nothing to do with me, and that they would remain great friends.  No - not at all.

As you may know my father was not Mr. Cleaver and had plenty of issues.  After an accident that changed his life 3 years ago - my relationship with him has completely changed course.  This all had to be kept hush hush from my mom.  I told my trusted aunt and when my grandmother asked me about him, I told her.  She sternly made me promise her that I would never let my mother know.  I remember being so frustrated thinking it was so unfair that I had to basically manage two lives.  Then the kids... how do I explain that they can't talk about certain parts of their lives?  Because my mom, who had been divorced from my dad for longer than they had been together, couldn't breathe when she heard mention of his name.  Yes, he became the "one who must not be named".

Lately it's been tougher, as my kids get to know him, and he started posting on the family blog.  Our relationship is still somewhat superficial, but he still contacts us every few weeks to see how we are doing.

During my time with my aunt, I learned that my grandmother had told my mother that he was involved with my life.  That he has been in touch with the girls.  I don't know which emotion I felt first.  Relief? Anger? Sick?  Betrayed?  Yeah - lets go with that one.  WHY - Why would she tell her that?  AND tell her right after she comes home from a nut house?  Is she trying to throw her over the edge?  After all that is what she said I would be doing if I told her.  That if I told her - I would be responsible for any rash reactions she would have.  That if I told my mother, that she would never forgive me for upsetting her?  HUH!?

Since the filter on my mouth is very thin - I wanted to go visit grandma and ask all these questions.  I paused when I left my aunts house, thought about if I wanted to turn to her house or go home.  I thought it better if I went home.  Nothing would be gained.  She would see no wrong in anything she does.  She is so consumed with enabling my mother... that unless you are on team poor nancy - you are not on the right team.

The day before my mom came home from the hospital she and I talked.  I was disappointed that she was coming home.  I wanted her to stay and get the help that she needed.  Of course to Gran, that meant I was a bad daughter.  The conversation became heated and no matter what I said or how I answered a question - I'm a bad daughter.  My mom has issues.  Ones that she will not deal with, but is smart enough to manipulate others and situations to get her desired outcome.  I don't play games, I don't get along with drama queens, and I stink at the "don't tell her I told you but..." stuff.  After this confrontation with gran, I didn't speak with her until weeks later.  I was in Baltimore visiting.  She didn't speak to me at all.  After a few moments of her not responding to me I told her it was fine to ignore me, but she couldn't ignore my children.  She polightly looked at them and said hello.  It was at that visit I saw her get all crazy on my cousin.  The favored one.  While at my aunts this week, she was invited over - but wouldn't come.

So why would a person tell you to keep a secret- to spare someone pain.  Placing this guilt on you about how much that would hurt them.  Just to turn around and tell them?  At heir most vulnerable time?  Is it a control thing?  Did she need to control?  Was it because she was upset at me?  So she used this to drive a wedge?  Not that there wasn't already one, but still.

I am not sure what to do.  I have a hard time sitting on this.  I should, just sit on it.  Let it roll.  If I had known this information about 6 hours sooner, I wouldn't have hushed my child when she started talking about my dad and his new wife.  I would have let it roll on out.  I thought about calling my grandmother today.  Telling her I am sorry that she couldn't have come over to visit.  I thought about calling my mom and saying - "I've struggled with how to tell you or what to say... granny asked me to not say anything for fear of you getting hurt".  Then I would be throwing my grandmother under the bus.

The past few years I have struggled with this, having a relationship with both of my parents and not being able to say anything - having to censor conversations with mom.  There is already very little she can relate to in my life, but this was an unfair feeling of betrayal I had been lugging around.  So I should be relieved right - cat is out of the bag?  But why has she not said anything?  Hmmm.

Maybe because she too has had a bit of a secret life that no one really knew about until this week?  Hmmmm.  It's not in my personality to sit back and say nothing.  Not about her little secret...  that's just funny.  I feel betrayed by my  grandmother. To be so blatant about not speaking to me or seeing me for the last 4 months, and then telling my mom the very thing she threatened me never to say.

Ah, the webs that we weave.  What's that saying?  The webs we weave when we first try to deceive?  I really gotta think about this one.

What kind of game is she playing? With my mom and with all us grandchildren.

Spin spin little spider.. you will only tangle your self in your little web.

oh- can someone teach me to watermark my photos?  I want credit for getting so close to this beast.

family rediscovered

What an interesting two days I have had.  I went to visit family... yes I know that is usually the start to some emotional roller coaster and a days worth of recovery.  HOWEVER~ this time was different.

As I drove home today in complete silence, I reflected about the past 24 hours and how much they had changed my perspective of things.  At times I was angry, saddened, perplexed, elated, and refreshed.

See, last night, i discovered a whole new window of opportunity.  On the one hand I was excited about this new friendship, this commonality, this new discovery that had been made... then I was confused. As excited as I was about opening a new door, starting a new chapter in my life with my cousin... I was frustrated and a little bitter about all the time that had been missed out on.  Purely because of 1 or 2 people and letting their perceptions be my own.

I had been brought up feeling I could never measure up to my cousins.  Even as an adult, I would hear how fabulous they had it and how I was a disappointment and a snob.  Well, turns out, my cousin had been given the same story.  When she told me that she was dealing with feelings of inferiority - I think I laughed!  Why? How? Then there became one common thread.  Grandma.  I heard about my failures and how I could be better through grandma, turns out, she heard the same.  Funny thing is my grandmother only knew what my mother had told her and if you have been reading this blog, or have ever met me, you will know that isn't much! SO, every half truth is inflated.

My mom's sister is my godmother and I have always favored her.  She keeps the family together and is one of the most selfless people I know.  Ask anyone.  I had a friend that had a layover in Baltimore with her child, I didn't hesitate to ask my aunt to open her home, because I knew if she could she would, and my friend would be welcome there.  I'm not just saying this all because my aunt and cousin know about this blog - but because it is truth and needs to be said.  My aunt has become even more dear to me as I parent my child with ADHD.  She has been there and can relate to my struggle, listen without judgement, and offer sound advice or encouragement.

Over the past few years, I felt I had to sneak around to have time with my aunt.  My mom is very jealous of her and hates that I have a relationship with her.  The fact that my youngest thinks she's the best and wants her to be her grandmother instead of my mother.. yeah, that didn't help.  So since the crud has been hitting the fan where my mom is concerned, we planed an overnight with this Astounding Aunt.  We masked the time and made it a sleepover for the kids to get to know their cousins.  I was thrilled to have some time with my aunt and not stress about D2.

Last night, everything was thrown out on the table.  Stories were compared - and truths discovered.  My cousin and I have a lot in common.  We have children about the same age, we like pina coladas mixed with strawberry, and even have the same favorite colors.  I loved sitting at the table and laughing.  Laughing without judgement, being genuine, and just talking.

I have been unfair.  She is an amazing woman.  Just like the post from 2 July, people change and so have I.  It is unfair to leave our opinions of them - our misguided opinions of them - in a frozen state.

I rediscovered my cousin last night.  I uncovered some crazy truths about other family members.  I learned about a small betrayal that I am still rumbling about.  And I expect to be blogging about this visit for a few days.  I am a verbal processor and since husband is TDY in Europe (grumble grumble)... I'll just have to blog it out.