words...

I need words
As wide as sky
I need a language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing you
That I've yet to find
I need you, oh
I need you
I need you, oh
I need you
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now



~ David Crowder Band.  Song posted to the right.

I'm a sucked up juice box.

These last few weeks have been rather tough.  In fact I think it safe to say that these last few days in particular have downright stunk.  Just when you think you have moved forward and have your head wrapped around things - BOOM - you wonder if you moved forward at all.  So you took 3 steps forward - you just stepped into a new room filled with confusion and chaos.

D2 has a diagnosis of ADHD.  Okay - got that.  We have been seeing the therapist, psychiatrist, medicating... but what happens when suddenly that isn't enough?  What happens when she isn't in the bounds of ADHD but instead you start seeing signs of something more?  You put on your big girl panties and adapt - increase meds and move on.  Right?  Then just when you think you have things underway another BOOM.  Now everything you have exausted yourself doing isn't enough anymore and you are left feeling like an empty juice box. All sucked up and crumbled on the floor with nothing left to give but this heaving, pathetic burst of air when someone tries to squeeze a little more.

Yup.  That's me.  Crumbled up with people still squeezing me and expecting what? I don't know.

Everyone is as perplexed as I about D2.  No, I take that back - I am still more confused and concerned.  I get brief updates from teachers and those in D2's life.  "What's going on?, What can I do?  Why is she...?"  I look at them helpless and say "I don't know."

I found myself apologizing.
I'm sorry she isn't being still.  I'm sorry she flips out when there are too many people in her space.  I'm sorry that she is getting "very active".
Then I wanted to smack myself.  The only thing to be sorry about is that I am spinning in circles looking for information and am on the slow boat to getting them.  I am doing the best that a mom can do.  Short of kidnapping the 'experts' and holding them hostage in my house until we have some answers and I have some direction.

I used to hate labels.  But today I long for one.  One that encompasses all the things that are going on for D2.  One that will force the hands of others to help her be in an environment that will help her to thrive.

It's a tough road.  Daily I wake up with my mind racing about the events ahead, does she know them, am I prepared for every possibility, is she?  From 6:30 to 7:30 we struggle with things that should be as routine as breathing.  Get up, brush hair, teeth, get dressed, eat, take pill, get to the bus... and try not to absolutely hate each other in the process.  Most mornings I am numb when the girls get on the bus.  Then I go about the day just to gear myself up for the afternoon and evening.  Homework is often torture.  Not because of the work, because of the effort required to complete the work.

D2 has been referred to a Psychologist for a full evaluation.  Today was my appointment with the Dr. to talk about D2 and all she has going on with her.  I spoke, the Dr asked some tough questions, and I left there with a mountain of paperwork.

Behavior assessment scales, Asperger scales, Autism rating scales, and 2 more behavior scales.  There are papers for the teachers, and for D2 to answer about herself.  Tough stuff.

The toughest part about this road we are on is the judgement.  Some friends and family are very understanding and supportive.  Others say nothing aloud, but their body language is loud and clear.  I have to remind myself that NO one knows what it's like to be D2's mother & father better than D2's mother and father.

In 3 weeks, D2 will undergo a full battery of tests.  In 5 weeks we will have answers to those tests.  Today and tomorrow, I will remind myself to breathe.  And to those that choose to judge anyway - well, my Christmas card list will just be a little shorter this year.

Made for me...

I am in need of a new purse.  I am not a huge Vera Bradley fan, but occasionally there is a pattern that really jumps out and grabs me.  Fortunately I have a birthday just around the corner and so I have sent Husband some subtle clues.  You know, the kind where you call him and say - look at this web site, see that pattern, yep, gotta have it.  

What do you think?  Think this pattern looks like it may just be perfect?

holding on

First let me say that I notice the irony between this blog and my last.  If you can even call it that?  Sometimes I think there are those that are conditioned to believe that when things start going well, you better watch out because it is only a matter of time before the big boom.  Some believe that you just roll with the punches and events in our lives are completely unrelated.  If you take things on a spiritual level, events in our lives are based on where we are in our walk. If we are walking strong in our faith, then we must be vigilant because the Devil is only moments away from testing our faith.

Regardless, the past week has been a test of my faith, my strengths, and have definitely highlighted my weaknesses.  Just last week while having lunch with a friend, I was sharing how I felt I was in a good place.  I was exercising every day, the girls were doing well in school, Husband is home, I was staying on top of the housework, and had cooked decent meals all week.  Then life stopped.

D1 handled the news about her teacher well.  However, I think that the concerns may have been short sighted.  The focus from the school was that the kids would be sad about the teachers death.  I can't tell you how many times I heard, "well at least the kids didn't really know her, so they are all fine".  Not true.  The bigger issue of this loss was the uncertainty of what was next.  Who would be their teacher? What would be changing for them?  Who do they belong to?  At first I thought this was just D1 that was thinking all these things - but I am hearing these same concerns from other parents in the class.

The class had been assured that their current long term sub would be staying on until they found another permanent teacher.  That sub happened to be out the day the class learned of their teachers death and the sub that was there was, well, less than adored by the class.  Well, wouldn't you know that the nice long term sub has medical issues that forces her to quit, and the less than adored sub is now the long term sub.  D1 was devastated.  The new sub seems to be on a bit of a power trip.  As if these kids don't have enough uncertainty in their lives, the sub begins to change their routines, revokes bathroom passes, and rearranges the classroom.  All in the first 3 days.

As I juggle the flow of emotions coming from D1 and encouraging her to try to keep things in perspective, we then learn that D2 has a Prolapse Mitral Valve.  Before you flood me with medical advice, I also have one, I know that you can live a long happy lives with minimal adjustments.  BUT it seems that D2's situation is more than a mild one.  We are in the wait and see stages.  Trying to establish a base line since not one doctor has noticed this in the past.  So we add that to the list of things to keep track of along with bowl movements, overstimulation coping skills, learning to read social cues... and the rest of the things that ADHD brings about.  Oh, I forgot to mention that we are also switching her medication.

I have been encouraging D1 to keep things in perspective, to remember that the devil preys on our weaknesses.  That the anxiety she was feeling was from "what if" situations and nothing that she knew for certain was going to happen.  She even made the sound reference to Tom & Jerry cartoons.  When Tom has the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  She has been plucking off the devil all week, and doing a good job.  Better than her momma.

This week, much unlike the last was a blur.  Full of uncertainty, full of frustration, full of insecurity.  Which brings me to the photo at the top.  This was a sculpture I came across while on a boat ride in Brugge Belgium.   It reminds me that even when things are crazy, when we feel like we are alone and losing our grip, there is someone bigger that is holding on.  Ready to pull us out of the pit and set us on dry ground.

Next week will be better.  Next week we will get in our groove.  Next week I am not going to lose my grip.  Next week I will remember where to pull my strength.

A Mother's Dream

Every year our biggest adjustment seems to be with D2.  Things that we have come to learn are just part of the ADHD world.

Last year was tough.  We really felt like D2 had fallen through the cracks.  I was seemingly always at school advocating on her behalf.  Trying to identify ways to help her become more successful.  The feeling that my child didn't matter was overwhelming.  Because she came from a two parent home, spoke english, and was white, it appeared that she was a low priority and as long as she was meeting the minimum, that was fine.  We dealt with bulling that resulted in bruises, being spit on, and called names.  Improper assessment testing and no one taking the time to review her file from her previous school that showed that she was an advanced learner.

We made it through.  I was "that" mom and pushed back when my daughter was pushed aside.  I learned that if you don't advocate for your child - who will?

THIS YEAR!!!!

This year is going to be different.  Maybe Husband is giving me optimism injections while I sleep, but this year I expect great things.  Her teacher is amazing.  He has addressed our concerns, and filled us with hope.  He not only recognized her strengths, but could also see her insecurities.  He wants to work as a team to help D2 develop those  social cues, to apply her coping skills with her personal space issues, and building relationships.

He told me she was smart, he liked having her in class.  For the first time in a long time, I felt relieved.  I believed that she was going to be okay.  THIS year is going to be different.  THIS year she will become empowered to achieve greatness.

I am excited for D2's journey through 3rd grade.  For the growth she is about to experience academically, physically, and socially.

There are no limits to her greatness and I am thrilled she has a teacher who is in her corner this year!!!

Making Sense of the Senseless

Written the afternoon of 16 Sept.

Today my daughter will learn that her teacher died this morning from cancer.  Apparently things were going well until a few weeks ago when it was discovered that the cancer had spread to the bones and was very aggressive.  A long term substitute was hired to start off the school year who would partner with the teacher.

Today that all changes.  Today D1 has no teacher.  I am not exactly sure how she will take the news.  There is no parent problem solving handbook that says "when ___ happens then promptly do ___".  I decided that I would go ahead and come to the school and be here to hear what the administration said and IF D1 needed me, I would be here for her.  I am thankful that D1 didn't yet form that special bond with the teacher.  Only because I think that will make things easier in the process of getting a new teacher.  But is loss on any level ever easy?

Encourage, Listen, & Love.  Yes, that's my job.  I think that best defines the role of any parent.  Isn't that what it all boils down to?  We encourage our children in any situation, both good and bad.  We listen.  We listen to the thoughts, feelings, plans, and dreams.  And it goes without saying that we love.  We love with an insurmountable love.  We do it because that is what we are called to do.  What we are commanded to do.  Love.  By loving, we then teach others to love.

my obsession...