Shifting gears...

Okay, I'm over it.  There is a song I have been listening to today that I learned while with my family - it makes me laugh.  There is a part that says "BANG BANG" and I just giggle.  So I thought I should post things that make me smile.

I love this song.
I know it's long - but go ahead - hit play and listen to it while you read.
It's a good thing to say when you don't know what else to say.  Manah Manah!!

When the girls were little, they thought the guy puppet looked like their Uncle.  HA!

Husband. Who will not appreciate this picture.  We were on a date to the movies and stopped in Brooks Brothers.  There was this super snazzy jacket and he posed for me!!  How could I not take this picture!  We had just seen "From Paris with Love".  Great movie.

Spain. This was a good time. This was the bike path that we crossed to sit on the beach and bask by the Mediterranean Sea.  The girls had fun, and I had fun watching them.  I loved that I went with two great friends and their kids.  No husbands - just us gals.  One day I want to go back with just Husband.






Music.  I Love Music.  All sorts of Music.

It sets the mood.  The mood for fun, dancing, romance, silliness, exercising, driving... for everything, every moment - there is a song to be sung.  I don't know how to put a play list on here.  I know you can b/c my friends do - but I haven't dug that far.  Maybe when I tag my photos - I'll learn music!

Writing.  It is therapeutic, fun, and allows me to ramble without judgement.  Well, until someone else reads it. ;-)

I could go on about other things - but just hitting the biggies, and skipping the obvious... Kids, faith, love.... One more thing is huge...

Friends.
I don't have pictures of all of you.. but you know who you are.
Real friends, which have been described in a previous blog.  I treasure friendships.  My relationships with other women where we can encourage and lift each other up.  I love them.  I love the joy that comes from helping out a friend.  Looking for ways to encourage.  It's a small rush that I get.

Okay - down from my euphoria and back to reality - the kids want dinner.

Webs we weave...

My parents divorce wasn't at all like an after school special.  They didn't take me to a carnival, and while on the ferris wheel tell me they were getting a divorce, it had nothing to do with me, and that they would remain great friends.  No - not at all.

As you may know my father was not Mr. Cleaver and had plenty of issues.  After an accident that changed his life 3 years ago - my relationship with him has completely changed course.  This all had to be kept hush hush from my mom.  I told my trusted aunt and when my grandmother asked me about him, I told her.  She sternly made me promise her that I would never let my mother know.  I remember being so frustrated thinking it was so unfair that I had to basically manage two lives.  Then the kids... how do I explain that they can't talk about certain parts of their lives?  Because my mom, who had been divorced from my dad for longer than they had been together, couldn't breathe when she heard mention of his name.  Yes, he became the "one who must not be named".

Lately it's been tougher, as my kids get to know him, and he started posting on the family blog.  Our relationship is still somewhat superficial, but he still contacts us every few weeks to see how we are doing.

During my time with my aunt, I learned that my grandmother had told my mother that he was involved with my life.  That he has been in touch with the girls.  I don't know which emotion I felt first.  Relief? Anger? Sick?  Betrayed?  Yeah - lets go with that one.  WHY - Why would she tell her that?  AND tell her right after she comes home from a nut house?  Is she trying to throw her over the edge?  After all that is what she said I would be doing if I told her.  That if I told her - I would be responsible for any rash reactions she would have.  That if I told my mother, that she would never forgive me for upsetting her?  HUH!?

Since the filter on my mouth is very thin - I wanted to go visit grandma and ask all these questions.  I paused when I left my aunts house, thought about if I wanted to turn to her house or go home.  I thought it better if I went home.  Nothing would be gained.  She would see no wrong in anything she does.  She is so consumed with enabling my mother... that unless you are on team poor nancy - you are not on the right team.

The day before my mom came home from the hospital she and I talked.  I was disappointed that she was coming home.  I wanted her to stay and get the help that she needed.  Of course to Gran, that meant I was a bad daughter.  The conversation became heated and no matter what I said or how I answered a question - I'm a bad daughter.  My mom has issues.  Ones that she will not deal with, but is smart enough to manipulate others and situations to get her desired outcome.  I don't play games, I don't get along with drama queens, and I stink at the "don't tell her I told you but..." stuff.  After this confrontation with gran, I didn't speak with her until weeks later.  I was in Baltimore visiting.  She didn't speak to me at all.  After a few moments of her not responding to me I told her it was fine to ignore me, but she couldn't ignore my children.  She polightly looked at them and said hello.  It was at that visit I saw her get all crazy on my cousin.  The favored one.  While at my aunts this week, she was invited over - but wouldn't come.

So why would a person tell you to keep a secret- to spare someone pain.  Placing this guilt on you about how much that would hurt them.  Just to turn around and tell them?  At heir most vulnerable time?  Is it a control thing?  Did she need to control?  Was it because she was upset at me?  So she used this to drive a wedge?  Not that there wasn't already one, but still.

I am not sure what to do.  I have a hard time sitting on this.  I should, just sit on it.  Let it roll.  If I had known this information about 6 hours sooner, I wouldn't have hushed my child when she started talking about my dad and his new wife.  I would have let it roll on out.  I thought about calling my grandmother today.  Telling her I am sorry that she couldn't have come over to visit.  I thought about calling my mom and saying - "I've struggled with how to tell you or what to say... granny asked me to not say anything for fear of you getting hurt".  Then I would be throwing my grandmother under the bus.

The past few years I have struggled with this, having a relationship with both of my parents and not being able to say anything - having to censor conversations with mom.  There is already very little she can relate to in my life, but this was an unfair feeling of betrayal I had been lugging around.  So I should be relieved right - cat is out of the bag?  But why has she not said anything?  Hmmm.

Maybe because she too has had a bit of a secret life that no one really knew about until this week?  Hmmmm.  It's not in my personality to sit back and say nothing.  Not about her little secret...  that's just funny.  I feel betrayed by my  grandmother. To be so blatant about not speaking to me or seeing me for the last 4 months, and then telling my mom the very thing she threatened me never to say.

Ah, the webs that we weave.  What's that saying?  The webs we weave when we first try to deceive?  I really gotta think about this one.

What kind of game is she playing? With my mom and with all us grandchildren.

Spin spin little spider.. you will only tangle your self in your little web.

oh- can someone teach me to watermark my photos?  I want credit for getting so close to this beast.

family rediscovered

What an interesting two days I have had.  I went to visit family... yes I know that is usually the start to some emotional roller coaster and a days worth of recovery.  HOWEVER~ this time was different.

As I drove home today in complete silence, I reflected about the past 24 hours and how much they had changed my perspective of things.  At times I was angry, saddened, perplexed, elated, and refreshed.

See, last night, i discovered a whole new window of opportunity.  On the one hand I was excited about this new friendship, this commonality, this new discovery that had been made... then I was confused. As excited as I was about opening a new door, starting a new chapter in my life with my cousin... I was frustrated and a little bitter about all the time that had been missed out on.  Purely because of 1 or 2 people and letting their perceptions be my own.

I had been brought up feeling I could never measure up to my cousins.  Even as an adult, I would hear how fabulous they had it and how I was a disappointment and a snob.  Well, turns out, my cousin had been given the same story.  When she told me that she was dealing with feelings of inferiority - I think I laughed!  Why? How? Then there became one common thread.  Grandma.  I heard about my failures and how I could be better through grandma, turns out, she heard the same.  Funny thing is my grandmother only knew what my mother had told her and if you have been reading this blog, or have ever met me, you will know that isn't much! SO, every half truth is inflated.

My mom's sister is my godmother and I have always favored her.  She keeps the family together and is one of the most selfless people I know.  Ask anyone.  I had a friend that had a layover in Baltimore with her child, I didn't hesitate to ask my aunt to open her home, because I knew if she could she would, and my friend would be welcome there.  I'm not just saying this all because my aunt and cousin know about this blog - but because it is truth and needs to be said.  My aunt has become even more dear to me as I parent my child with ADHD.  She has been there and can relate to my struggle, listen without judgement, and offer sound advice or encouragement.

Over the past few years, I felt I had to sneak around to have time with my aunt.  My mom is very jealous of her and hates that I have a relationship with her.  The fact that my youngest thinks she's the best and wants her to be her grandmother instead of my mother.. yeah, that didn't help.  So since the crud has been hitting the fan where my mom is concerned, we planed an overnight with this Astounding Aunt.  We masked the time and made it a sleepover for the kids to get to know their cousins.  I was thrilled to have some time with my aunt and not stress about D2.

Last night, everything was thrown out on the table.  Stories were compared - and truths discovered.  My cousin and I have a lot in common.  We have children about the same age, we like pina coladas mixed with strawberry, and even have the same favorite colors.  I loved sitting at the table and laughing.  Laughing without judgement, being genuine, and just talking.

I have been unfair.  She is an amazing woman.  Just like the post from 2 July, people change and so have I.  It is unfair to leave our opinions of them - our misguided opinions of them - in a frozen state.

I rediscovered my cousin last night.  I uncovered some crazy truths about other family members.  I learned about a small betrayal that I am still rumbling about.  And I expect to be blogging about this visit for a few days.  I am a verbal processor and since husband is TDY in Europe (grumble grumble)... I'll just have to blog it out.

Friends...

Something I had to share...


A friend loves you all the time. — Proverbs 17:17 NCV

Every friendship arises out of some kind of invitation. Inviting is active. Inviting says, “I was thinking about you, and I am requesting your presence.” Inviting says, “I have made time for you and me to celebrate.” Inviting makes a hopeful promise of good times.
To the party of friendship, you must bring a gift. You’ve been invited, remember? “Your presence is requested.” It would be far easier to bring a kitchen gadget. C. S. Lewis cautions us that we may act kindly, correctly, justly . . . and yet withhold the giving of ourselves, which is love. To offer a vulnerable nugget of your soul that has been mined from a deep, sometimes dark, place is more valuable than gold to your friend.
— Nicole Johnson

The word friend is often misused.

To say someone is your friend means what?  Does it mean that you would call them to share you good news & bad news?  OR  Does it mean that you simply know that person?

A friend should be trustworthy. Unconditional. Nonjudgemental. Forgiving. Honest. Real.  A good friend can show up at your messy house, move a pile of laundry on your couch and share a glass of tea, just because.  The great friend will help you fold that pile of laundry!

Good friends will love your children, if for no other reason just because you do.  If your child requires something extra - they will take a moment to understand your child's special needs, making you & your child feel safe and loved.

Disclaimers are not required with friends.  If you tell them you are ready to sell your children to the Gypsies, they will know you are not serious and that loosing your children would be like loosing the ability to breathe.

A good friend listens to you, even when you ramble on, and they love you anyway.  They cry when you hurt, they laugh when you laugh at yourself, and they rejoice with you about even the little things.

They find the good in you even when you can't.  You leave them feeling better than when you arrived.  Not wondering if you are being judged.

Friendships cross all levels of social class, education, race, and interests.

I am learning that there are many types and levels of friendship.  My neighbor said to me Thursday - "friendships should be easy".  She was talking about how real friendships are void of judgement, expectations, and stress.  If you leave a conversation with a friend feeling bad about yourself... I think this is not a great friend.

As I talk with many 'friends' throughout my day, I kept thinking... friendships are supposed to be easy... is this easy?

Now I think I will be careful with my words.  Instead of saying 'my friend', I may say 'I know this gal who...'  Also, it's okay not to be friends with everyone.  Everyone should be friends with me though.  HA!

When I think about why people ask for my friendship... Instead of thinking I have nothing to offer them - I will remember my real friends. The ones who build me up, who love me just because.  The friends who don't want anything but "a vulnerable nugget of your soul that has been mined from a deep, sometimes dark, place." 

Tell me, what makes your real friends, your friend?

Worth being quiet for...

I have so much going on and I know that writing would be therapeutic, but if I were to write at this time, you may call social services, the men with the straight jacket, or declare me crazy.  SO for this time, while I collect my thoughts and gain perspepctive... I am simply going to post some pictures I have been taking and working with this past week.  I hope you enjoy them, and take a moment to enjoy.

This was taken in haste.  Bringing the camera from the cool house out into the humid air, was not a wise move.  The lens fogged up and took what seemed like and eternity to clear.

It was worth the wait because brighter Humming birds cam by ready to be photographed.

ahh, much better

Word of the day

Brilliant.

shining brightly; sparkling; glittering; 

distinguished; illustrious; 

having or showing great intelligence, talent, quality;

splendid or magnificent

I just got off the phone with a friend who is working on a paper.  She is an amazing woman, as most of my friends are, and a person that I admire.  I told her to "be brilliant".  I thought to myself, brilliant... hmm.  There is a great word.

Putting sarcastic tones aside, just say that word aloud. Brilliant. You have to move your mouth. Your tongue must move, your lips must touch, and you should articulate and not mumble.  Do all these things and something happens.  Go ahead... try it a few times.  Aloud.  Brilliant.  Brilliant.  Now say "Be Brilliant!"  Did you notice anything?

Compare to the word 'good'.

Say "I am good".  Then say "I am brilliant".  If you were honest with yourself I think you would see that the word Brilliant is a fabulous word!  (fabulous being one of my personal favorite words).

The word Brilliant can be a fun word to say.  You can roll your r's.  You can shake your head side to side.  You can exclaim.  You could even do all three things at once and I bet you will have a smile on your face.

Go ahead - try it.

Just have some fun with the word today.  Use it whenever possible.  "that lemonade was brilliant", ""your outfit is brilliant", "my friend Jen is brilliant".  Okay, I know I said no sarcasm.

Let me know what you think - how did you use the word today?

I wish for you all to have a BRILLIANT day!!

Isn't it beautiful?

This is a street in Bernkastel Germany.  I fell in love with the cobblestone and the tall crooked buildings that lined the way.  It was a foggy day. No matter, it was still filled with hustle and bustle of the local shops.  I had to be patient to get this shot.  One without cars or people. Yes, cars. Of course only one car at a time could fit.  Never mind the car/people combination at times.  See the railing on the left?

I find I get lost in this picture.  Not sure why.  Maybe the way the road climbs into the foggy unknown.  Maybe the image of horse and carriages filling this road long before cars and delivery vans.  Maybe it's thinking about how these buildings were constructed hundreds and hundreds of years ago.  The amount of history that has taken place on these very roads.  Whatever the reason, this picture has been a calming image to me this week.

The journey between the past and the present is sometimes a long journey.  Who we are today is far different than the person we were 10, 20, 30 years ago.  Some of us change for the good.  Some of for the not so good.  Either way, our choices and experiences form us into the person we have become in the present.  Sometimes we get there without any big life changing event - it's just who we become.  Some of us take chances and make choices  that give us experiences that we would never have had if we didn't take that chance. Others may have dramatic things happen, both positive or negative, that cause them to make certain choices about their lives.  We realize that we change.  We realize that who we were in high school is not the person we are now.  So, why is it then... we forget that others change too?

Isn't it unfair to be proud of the person you have become and not give anyone else the option of also becoming a better person?  Sure it is.  Especially if that person is someone who has caused you to make conscious decisions about how you live your life.

This week I was visited by my past.  I had not spent any significant time with this person in about 24 years.  There has been the occasional phone call here and there.  A visit that would last for 1-3 hours every 3-5 years.  But to spend real quality time... that is a lot to ask.

I don't do well with surprises.  I like to know the who, what, when, where, why, and how as much as I can.  Yes I know I have control issues.  I am a planner.  The more notice I have, the better.  So to get a phone call Sunday afternoon that I am getting company Wednesday from this person, was not a very soothing experience for me.

Tuesday I spent in a whirlwind of anxiety.  Uncertain of what would be expected of me.  What I was supposed to do.  How I was supposed to act.  Was I going to cook meals, and if so what?  Would they be acceptable?  Is my house clean enough?  Are my children good enough. Am I good enough? Will he be disappointed in me?  Then the biggest question of all... Why oh why do I care so much?  Why was this eating me alive inside?  Why did I still have this fear?  I knew that a trauma in his life had given him a new perspective on life - so why would I expect him to be the same demeaning man he was 25 years ago?

I could not have made it though the first few hours without the love and encouragement of my husband and friends.  The visit was a success.  It was great to get to know this man who I had once feared.  Then had learned to love and have compassion for.  Things were not all sunshine and roses.  There were plenty of awkward moments.  Stories from memory lane, that sometimes stopped dead in their telling because they didn't always have happy endings.  Overall, it was a good visit.  It was emotionally draining, but a good visit.  How selfish of me to not think that he too could change.  Shame on me for doubting myself and second guessing my entire life.

People do change.

Sometimes we have to take a chance.  Grab on tight to the railing, and make the journey up the narrow path and into the foggy future.  Yes, I believe that is it.  I think that it why this picture has stuck with me all week.  I was holding on to that rail and taking one step at a time hopeful that no cars would come zooming by, taking me back from where I once was.