Groundhog Day

Remember this movie?
Bill Murray is a weather man who has to cover the sacred event for the fourth year in a row.  He's pretty bitter about the assignment and makes no effort in hiding his discontent.  The next day he wakes up only to discover he has to relive that day over again.  Then the next day, and the next day....

I was reminded of this movie this morning as the alarm went off at 5:15.  Husband hit the snooze button until 5:34 when we roll out of bed.  He goes to get ready for work and I head downstairs to make coffee, pack lunches, and get ready for the day.  I send off Husband, and climb upstairs listening to my own theme music play in my head.  It's sounds like the music to JAWS.  I get myself ready for the day, then watch the second hand on the clock move closer and closer to 6:45. duh dun... duh dun... I take a deep breath and say yet another prayer that today will be a different day.

First I wake D1, she doesn't want to get out of her warm bed.  Who could blame her?  She does though, making small talk about the weather and what she has going on.  Then I put on my best face and go into D2's room.  I turn on a lamp that gradually gets brighter.  I've learned NOT to turn on any sudden sources of light.  I speak softly and even try to be a little playful.  No matter.  Even though there are some soft giggles and a smile, they quickly fade.  Giggles turn into shouts and grunts.  Smiles turn into angry eyes.  Arms used to hug and hold hands quickly turn and begin to hit and throw anything within reach.

Sometimes I muddle through these days.  After all not EVERY day is like this.  Last week went pretty well.  OH, they only had school 2 days last week.  hmm.  So, maybe I should say not all days are bad.  Some are just more horrific than others?

So far this week we are 2 for 2.

Yesterday I was thinking about the morning.  How even though it seemed as though we were set for success, (clothes out, plenty of sleep..) the morning crumbled after the words "Good morning..".  It's easy to fool ourselves and think "oh, today was bad b/c it was ____ (fill in with your choice.. Monday, not good sleeping, not feeling well, lights were too bright, out of muffins, the wind was blowing to the west...) BUT the reality is... THIS IS MY LIFE.  This behavior is not going away.  Yes we are learning together from the 'experts' about how to handle things, however, the reality is.. this is my life.  My numbness level has to go up yet another notch.  I know it will get better.  Not like a cold gets better.  This isn't something that will simply pass.  This is a process.  A very long, sad, painful, lonely, emotionally draining process.

Coming to terms that my child doesn't just have a behavior problem, but rather has a mental disability... that's a tough one.  Thank God she has ADHD along with the Autism.  The medication that she takes just before she goes to school, helps her behave and be loved by her teachers.  I am jealous of them.  They get the best of her and don't even know it.  But for how long?  How long till this pill isn't doing it's job and we have to move on?

One skill at a time.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  One drink at a time.  Okay, just kidding about that last line.  Kinda.

I wouldn't for one moment change D2.  I wouldn't wish my life to be without her.  I just pray for the strength and direction to be a good parent to her without loosing my mind in the meantime.