Feeling Overwhelmed??

The whole parenting thing can be rather overwhelming at times. Parenting a neurotypical child has it's own challenges. D1 is 11 and it running head strong into puberty. The Horror-mones are full throttle and are enough to summon Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. One minute she is all about her momma and the next - she could burry me alive with her looks of disgust at knowing me.

The last few weeks with D2 have been extremely overwhelming. Her therapist sent me a message asking how I was doing because I looked exhausted. Really? Ya Think? Exhausted...yes, overwhelmed...yes. I think mostly defeated. I have been feeling incredibly lost, low, and empty. I feel like I am running out of options and nothing seems to be working. Basically like a total FAIL. During a rather intense meltdown with D2 on Tuesday evening, I sat down and emailed her therapist a frank email saying here we are - what now? He responded the following evening with an appointment time.

On my way I had visions of Child Services waiting to take me away. Or maybe the men in white coats. Maybe he would have a large fruity cocktail & a personal masseuse waiting for me in a back room? Okay he knows that would be a bad idea - because I may lock the door and never come out.

I poured out most of my frustrations. The ones surrounding D2. He listened, understood, and supported. He was very encouraging to my methods. Told me about some research that he was working on for our benefit. Assured me that although I don't see a huge golden nugget of validating success - I am a good mom. That Husband and I were doing a great job with D2 and the different, unpredictable, circumstances that we were presented with on a daily basis.

Did you know that 85% of parents with Special Needs children divorce? That's a lot. I can understand why & how. It's so very taxing on a marriage. Not for reasons you might think. I find it interesting that this is a topic that is not talked about on may of the forums and books that I read. It's almost the unspoken secret - that if we pretend that it isn't so - then it isn't so.

I married the most amazing man to walk into my life. He was the first to show me what true unconditional love was about. Having a child with Autism, has not broken us - it has made us stronger. Sure we struggle. But it's a struggle that is one of exhaustion. We each become frustrated seeing the other become frustrated. Some nights when things are so intense with D2, we often have nothing left for each other. We find ourselves numb. Distraught. We are so emotionally spent that we have nothing left for each other. Learning to turn our emotions off and on is a tough thing. If you detach yourself from the drama - you begin to feel cold - and that doesn't seem like good parenting. When things are tough and your heart is wounded - the last thing I want to do is throw on a smile for my husband. How can I be a good wife when I feel like a total fail as a mother and a woman?