busy, busy, busy... not really in comparison..

The ebb and flow of a busy life.  Some say that if you are a stay at home mom, you have all the time in the world.  It's true.  The common misperception that is.  When teachers & coaches look for someone to help out with tasks, the first they look to are the stay at home moms.  "oh, I can ask Sally, she's home all day & doesn't work." Don't worry, this isn't my stay at home mom soap box - I am actually going somewhere else with this point.  Actually, it isn't a point at all but rather a thought to ponder.

There are moments in my life, since I stopped working and became a SAHM, that I was overcommitted with activities.  I was knee deep with church involvements, Military spouse commitments, clubs, and oh yeah, being a mom to toddlers and a wife.  It was a whirlwind at times, but I managed.  I have always been a very independent, self-sufficient, task oriented woman.  Then I had children.  I still was on a mission, craved a schedule, and took on the world, but more and more went by the wayside.  Children can change those things, and new perspectives are in order.  As the girls got older I got back in the groove.  I wasn't just part of something, I was the one responsible for that something.  My calendar, color coded of course, looked as though a rainbow had vomited all over it.

In the last year, my calendar has changed dramatically.  the things I am doing, aside from mothering, are not change the world kind of things.  But there is this level of feeling overwhelmed that creeps in and takes hold of me.  I become emotionally drained over the little things.  Today for example, I sent the girls to school and soon I will have coffee with a friend.  After that I will stop by the house to see how the painters are doing - redoing the botched paint job they did on our deck.  Then it is off to school to volunteer.  D2 has a dr appointment today with a counselor for the ADHD.  My day should end nicely about 6pm.  None of these things are hugely stressful.  Yet I feel heavy.  There are things that are lingering that I need to get done, that I have the mental motivation, but they are not getting done.  Where has the drive gone?  I am trying to be a cheerleader for my family.  "I've got this... go on, don't worry" is what I say.  Truth be told, I am not sure I do "got this".

Why is it the more we take on, the more productive we are?

Or are we?

Is it because my focus now isn't about the quick fixes and taskers for others - but rather the long term investments of time and other things are heavy because they are beyond my control?

I can't control the deck people doing a bad job on our deck.  I can't control when the toilet breaks.  I can't control my daughter's ADHD and know everything I need to do to help her. I can't control when the military sends my husband away.  I can't control the bully at school.

You know they say the hardest advice to take is your own.  What would I tell me?

Too old to be read to? No way!

I have always loved the stories of Roald Dahl.  The words he chooses for his stories paint such amazing images.  Even as an adult I love reading his stories.

My girls are both advanced readers and so when they started reading so much on their own, I somehow thought that I didn't need to continue to read to them.  Sure, there was a story here and there.  A few bedtime stories that I would make up off the cuff.  But to engage in a chapter book night after night - just never seemed to take off.  I would suggest some stories, that in my opinion were great stories, but the girls would shrug their shoulders and tell me they would think about it.. for next time.

I felt they were missing out.  I didn't want them to give to the pressures of reading all the new & current stories out there for children.  We recently attended the schools book fair.  Now, I am a HUGE fan of book fairs, but this one made me head to the nearest books store and really start looking for good stories for my children.  The school's book fair didn't have much of a selection to start.  Especially on their reading level.  What was more concerning was that most of the books lacked any sort of family.  Reading the summary I found, on most of the books, that the character in the story had lost their parents and had to go live on an island and they hated their grandparents.  That they had one parent and hated that parent.  All of these children in the stories were about 10 and had lost one or both of their parents.  OR their parents were cruel and so the child was full of resentment.  Or they dealt with issues that my girls just don't need to know about yet.

Before I go on, I know that the above story starts off with the boys parents being killed in a car crash.  But he ADORES his Grandmother who loves and takes care of him.  Many classics have some sort of oppression in the family, but there is love, there is security and the family may be a little different, but there is a new form of family that is developed. Maybe through a teacher that saw something special in a child, maybe through a neighbor, or a grandparent.  Not through hatred and anger.  They certainly don't deal with puberty and boyfriends and teenage pregnancy.  My 8 & 9 year old daughters, just don't need that in their fictional reading.

So I have steered my children back to the "old" stories.  D1 fell in love with the BFG and Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.  D2 loved the Fantastic Mr. Fox and Matilda.  They wanted something a little more "gripping", was the word D1 used.  I didn't want them scared out of their wits and I wanted them to see how fun it can be to use your imagination.  "The Witches" it was.

I started reading it aloud and the girls were doing their own thing - not seeming to pay all that much attention to this old book that mom wanted them to read.  I only read about 2-3 pages from the first chapter. I closed the book.  At the same time they looked at me and said - "then what happened?... you can't just stop there".  They were hooked.  Every night so far they have loved sitting and listening to the story.  I especially love how each chapter leaves you longing to know what happens next.  They have been telling their friends about what they heard in the story and are excited every day to hear more.

Now, we don't believe in witches, or any thing of the sort.  I think that is why I like this book.  It keeps things light.  In the beginning when the Grandmother is describing a witch and why they are so mean... the boy asks about going to bed - if he will be safe.  Roald Dahl does a great job by telling us that Witches don't use guns, or break into houses, or anything of the sort... because that would get them caught and that would be no good.  I could see the relief in D1's face.  Just when the story would get a bit intense, there was humor.

I know plenty of parents who let their children watch & read all sorts of scary things.  They believe that it's good for their kids.  We feel that the real world is already full of those things, so lets keep fiction fiction.  They don't need to see movies about kidnappings, and murders, witches who posses and destroy.  We will stick to silly thing like magical chocolate factories and witches turning children into mice.  I am sure there are some who find fault with our philosophy of what we let the girls watch & read.  That's okay.  That is why we live in a country that gives us that privilege.

The toughest part about reading to the girls... they like pictures and I have forbidden the peeking of pictures.  I want them to see how wonderful words can be.  How by using different words, even creating words to describe some things, can be magical.  If they see the picture and it isn't as they had imagined, they will question the rest of their images, they will be distracted and try to fit the books image into their little head.  There are not many images any  way, and they are mere sketches... so I think they will survive.

I remember my fourth grade teacher reading to us at the end of the school day, if we had our work done and there was time.  I hung on every word she read and remember how great that was.  She read "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle, and I thought it was the best book ever.

We are never to old to read aloud or be read to.  I am so glad that my girls have reminded me of that.  Looking up from the pages, seeing them wide eyed and curious.  Ending a chapter and having them begging for just one more page...  Yep, that is all it took for me.  I look forward to a summer full of turning off the TV and letting our imaginations soar.

The other half of my heart...

Daughter 1 (D1)

Those eyes... those gorgeous eyes.

Every night before Husband and I go to bed, we check in on the girls to be sure they are covered and secure.  Last night I went to check on D1 and she had the most precious look on her face.  I instantly flashed back about 8 years and saw her lying in her crib.  Something about the look on her face - so sweet, serene, so innocent.  Tears instantly filled my eyes.  To think of all she has experienced in her 9 short years of life.  She has lived in 3 countries and has moved 4 times.  She has grown so much and is becoming a wonderful young lady.  

D1 is extremely intelligent.  Things come very easy to her and the way she processes information and relates that information to her day to day life is profound.  She is creative.  The stories she writes are wonderful and amazingly thorough.  She is happy to be by herself with a good book or a blank piece of paper.  

When I taught preschool - I never wanted my students to feel like they had to follow a certain rule to color.  I wanted them to be free to color a house orange, a tree blue, or a person magenta.  I became a huge advocate of blank paper and crayons.  

Before D1 was 2 years old, she held a crayon properly and would draw with purpose.  It was amazing to watch.  The scribble phase didn't last very long.  She went straight to circles and faces.  We had plenty of coloring books, but D1 would grab a blank sheet of paper and let her imagination come alive.  I love that!!  

Two years ago we went to Spain and stayed in a hotel right next to the Mediterranean Sea.  We could only pack a back pack for our trip and the first thing that D1 packed - a blank notebook, and color pencils.  Her plan was to sit on the beach and write.  And she did.  

She was free to relax and do what she loves most.  Write.  

It hasn't always been easy for her.  In 2008, she started having major anxiety.  She would flip out in crowds, new situations, and sometimes basic transitions would be more than she could handle.  We sought help - but things didn't seem to improve that much.  When we moved, I met with the teacher and told her a little about D1 and her struggle with anxiety.  

Now 10 months later, D1 is a different child.  She orders her own food at restaurants, she steps out of her comfort zone to make friends, she sticks up for herself and for what is right.  

Most recently, the school was advertising for applications for the FLL.  The First Lego League.  A group of children that, on their own, construct a robot from Legos and use computer software to program the robot to accomplish certain tasks.  This is a team of 5 children from 4th grade and 5 from the 5th grade.  D1 talked about wanting to apply, but thought since there were so many kids applying she wouldn't stand a chance.  I left it up to her to decide.  A few days later, she brought home the application packet.  She had questions to answer, there were questions I had to answer, and she needed a teacher recommendation.  She asked me what I thought she should do.  My only advise to her was that she wouldn't know unless she tried.  That things would be no different if she didn't get selected.  However - if she didn't apply, would she wonder about the "what ifs"?  I filled out my portion and didn't say another word to her about it.  She met the deadline, and a week later we were waiting for the results.  The letter came home, and D1 was selected to be a part of next years FLL.  I was so proud of my lil girl.  A year ago, I don't know that she would have put herself out there like that.  She has come so far and overcome so many obstacles.  She has a much better perspective on life, and what she is capable of.  

Unlike her sister, D1 wont just come out and tell you what she is thinking, you have to work for it.  She process things over and over and tries to figure it all out for herself.  It's a balancing act I do between them.  I hear so much about what D2 is thinking - that I have to shift gears and probe into the mind of D1.  

When I looked at her sleeping so peacefully last night, I was taken back through many memories.  Taken back by how quickly time is passing by.  Reminded of the breath taking moments that I have been honored to share with her.  She is such a little lady, with a heart pure as gold.  I admire her for the beautiful girl she is today and for the amazing woman she will become.  

half my heart....

D2 (daughter 2)

Take a moment and just look at this face.  

This is the face of unpredictability.  Is she going to laugh? Make a loud funny noise? Cry? Stick out her tongue?  You just never know with this one.  Her brain goes faster than the speed of light.  Some times her body does too.  She is a tough act to keep up with.  She is very intelligent.  Insightful, caring, loving, vulnerable, energetic, enthusiastic, fun, optimistic....  She is also hurting.  D2 is a pleaser.

As I mentioned in the last post, D2 takes medication for her ADHD.  The last two weeks D2 has become more impulsive, more unpredictable, and more frustrated with herself.  Her mind is going so fast and the rest of her just can not keep up.  She is so smart that she tries to analyze herself - aware of her ADHD and aware that she needs to use skills that she has learned to get through situations.  Like a switch though, it seems her medication is doing very little to help her out.  She takes her pill at 7:30 and normally she would be focused until about 5pm.  These last few days - she takes her pill at 7:30 and by 12:30 - 1:00 she is loosing control.  By the time she gets off the bus at 3, she is an emotional wreck.  She puts up a tough front at school - then gets off the bus and needs about 30 minutes to unwind.  Well, unwind from the emotions - the rest of her continues to wind right up!!  Climbing door frames, counters, cabinets, steps, anything she can climb - just because.  Riding a bike- nope- she can't focus enough to stay on it for more than a minute because her body is in perpetual motion.  She cant remember an instruction for more than 10 seconds - then crumbles when I get on her for not doing what she is told.  sigh.

The earliest we can get into the doctor is next Thursday.  The Behavior Therapist has nothing available until July - August!  sigh.

It's frustrating.  I wanna make it all better for her.  She struggles with herself.  I sometimes don't know how I can make it through some days.  Being firm, yet sensitive to what she is going through.  I get so discouraged - and feel so alone.  D2 is an amazing lil girl.  She will grow into a strong and amazing woman one day.  Her Doctor may need to give me a lil something to help me see her to that day - but regardless - I know that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind too.  We just need to learn how to set her mind to one thing!

Just look at that face.  Seconds after that picture was taken - she broke out dancing.  I am blessed to have her in my life.  I am blessed that I was chosen to be her mom.  I am blessed to have her hugs be so strong that I loose my breath.  I am blessed that as I write about her - I tear up - my heart full of hope and love for her.  She always makes me smile, makes me laugh, and makes me glad to be a mom.

Little things ... Day 3

can you see it?
can you see the rays shining down?
i find a sense of peace in a sky like this.

Wish it was shining tonight.  Sometimes I feel so lost as a mom.  No matter how much you give and give, it's just never enough.

I had coffee the other day and was talking with a neighbor about parenting a child with ADHD.  See it all seems like no big deal.  That ADHD isn't really anything - just a behavior thing that needs more discipline.  But it isn't.  Not at all.

The reality of ADHD is cheapened by those parents who have spirited children and choose not to discipline and immediately go to the dr to get drugs to sedate their child into submission.  Then there is the generation that thinks ADHD is an excuse parents use to explain away their child's misbehavior.  I know these views because I once shared them.  Until I had a student who was ADHD.  Then when I realized my own daughter is ADHD.  It's frustrating and exhausting.  I am also learning that ADHD in girls is much different than ADHD in boys.

My daughter is ADHD.  At first I thought it was on the low end of the spectrum - but lately - we are climbing that ladder.  It's a lonely one.  It's a tough one to figure out, mainly because you are so caught up in trying to figure out and diffuse the current situation - that when you start to get a hold - you are in a new situation.

I love the new TV drama "Parenthood".  There is a family that has a son who has Asperger Syndrome.  I realize that ADHD is not the same - but there are some similarities.   More so than the son - the parents in this show really stick out to me.  How they are dealing with the outside world.  Their family, friends, and schools.  I find myself connecting with these fictitious people - as though they were examples.

My daughter is impulsive. She is also highly intelligent.  At moments she is out of control - at the moment we have her attention and regain control = she is instantly broken.  She is swimming in a sea of regret and confusion and I am left feeling helpless and cold.  She yearns for affection and acceptance.  Who doesn't.  But for her to seek that so desperately at the age of 8...

So in this weeks thoughts of "the little things.." I am reminded of my lil peanut.  Her life is filled with seemingly little moments - that make dramatic impacts throughout her day.  A smile from a teacher sends her soaring.  Smelling her daddy's cologne after he has gone makes her feel safe.  An adult who she loves not giving her the benefit of showing what she is capable of - crushes her.  Although she is tough stuff - she is also tender hearted.

Isn't that what the little things are made of?

Little things... day two

Thinking this week about the little things that make big differences...

Yes, that's right.  Schweppes.  Only in the glass bottle. The plastic bottles and cans don't taste nearly as wonderful as the small glass bottles.  The sound of the fizz when you crack open the lid, makes me warm inside.  Crazy I know.  I couldn't drink it every day.  No, never mind, I could.

Since we moved back to the states, I like to see the brands and things that we didn't have while over seas.  This is one of those things that I couldn't seem to find.  No offense, but not a Canada Dry fan.   Just last week, I rediscovered my little bottled friend.  Not with the other thousands of soft drinks.  Not with the other lesser ginger ales.  But over in the beer section of the store.  I don't care where it was - I was just happy to find it, in the glass bottle.

You see the glass bottle get colder, and keeps the drink colder.  I like the feel of the cold glass when I take a drink.  Yum.

Maybe everyone knew this - but I don't think I ever realized that Ginger Ale had actual Ginger in it!!!  That is why it is so good for your tummy when it is upset.  When I was pregnant with Daughter 1, I had a bottle of schweppes and those lil orange peanut butter crackers every morning.  Neither of my daughters like fizzy drinks, it's good but a shame.

My in-laws are the ones who introduced me to this wonderful beverage.  I can not pronounce the name correctly, and since we have spent so many years pronouncing it wrong - just to make fun of me - I still am unsure of what it is called.

Anyway - just had to share one of the little things that makes a big difference in my day.

Little things...

The little things are sometimes the things that have the biggest impact.  

Both positive and negative.

Yesterday was Mother's day.  A day set aside to honor mothers.  A day when the kids are encouraged by dad to behave the best they can, to get along, no fighting - because it's Mother's Day after all!

This year Mother's Day was great.  In fact it was the best yet.

Husband's gift was wonderful.  It wasn't something elaborate and over the top.  It wasn't jewelry, a day at the spa, or a weekend away.  This gift was something full of thought and purpose.  It was a book.  Not just any ol book, but a book with meaning.  See, two years ago Husband gave me a wonderful camera.  It's a great camera, very fancy.  However, I know that I have not yet begun to tap into the potential of what this camera can do.  I wanted to learn more.  Husband took the time to find me not just any book about taking pictures, but a very specific, highly recommended book about taking pictures with MY camera.  THAT was wonderful.  A simple gift that spoke volumes and meant even more.

Following suit, the girls also gave remarkable gifts.  As parents we can sometimes fall prey to picking gifts for our children to give.  We may even lead them along a certain path.  I love it when my girls do their own choosing.  On the surface, their gifts may seem odd or unconventional, but to them it's perfect!  When you take a moment and ask them why they chose a particular gift, you will find you are amazed and your heart does an extra flutter.

Daughter 2 once gave her Kinder teacher a garden hoe with an adjustable handle.  Imagine the looks during teacher appreciation week.  Most kids are carrying candles, ties, and candies.  Not my girl.  She knew her teacher loved to garden and that he was due to have back surgery.  She thought this was a perfect gift, he could garden without hurting his back.

Mother's day was not full of fancy dinners.  We ate lunch at Five Guys.  Then we sat on the deck.  We read, painted, had a battle throwing mini marshmallows, and finished off with nerf gun wars in the front yard.

It was a day full of little things.  

Little things that had a huge impact.