Love renewed from a government email...

On a Friday morning in mid June, Husband received an email letting him know that since it had been a while since his last deployment, his name was being tossed around for one soon.  A long one. 365+ days to be exact.

He kept this information to himself through the weekend, as we had company and life was pretty much a series of tornados.  Or Nor-Tados as D2 calls them.  On Monday afternoon he told me about the notice and that USUALLY they notify you within the next 24 hours.  No notice was received with direction either way.  On Tuesday a notice was sent out seeking volunteers for a few assignments with a deadline of Thursday and non-volunteers would be told on Friday.  Again these dates came and went without a word.

Talk about a mixed bag of emotions.  Don't get me wrong here.  I am not one of those wives that thinks that marrying a military man will mean we get to live in one place all our lives, next to mom and dad, and we will never be apart.  Not kidding, I have met these wives.  In the almost 15 years we have been married, we have lived in 7 locations, 2 of which were out of country.  I have been happy to follow my man around, setting up house where ever and with whatever circumstances we had.  I was 5 months pregnant when I moved to Italy to an Italian base only to leave 2 years later with 2 babies.  I have always been happy to follow Husband, because I knew when I married him that he was a military man.

While this potential news of him being gone for over a year was sad, I knew we were not the only family making this sacrifice, that although we have had separations that we measured in months and not years, we survived those.  We are a military family and we can do anything for a year!

The biggest impact was that I realized just how much I take Husband for granted.  The day to day stuff.  The things that seemed so important - suddenly we not important at all.  The thing that seemed most important was simply TIME.  Our American lifestyle of activity leads us to a lifestyle of captivity.   While STUFF seems important, camps-clubs-sports-volunteering-parties, what we fail to prioritize is family.  Simple family time.

It was important that the girls have time with Daddy.  That Husband knew that I truly loved him with all my heart.  In those moments, we started dropping some commitments that were taking us away from each other.  We made plans to go places and do fun things as a family.  We started putting the four of us first.

I think the biggest change was me.  I had this renewed motivation to be certain that Husband knew without a doubt that I was thankful for him and all he does for our family.  I wanted to be sure that he looked forward to coming home every day.  That he knew that he was a priority.  Our conversations seemed to have more meaning to them.  Our times of just being in the same room reading became more precious.  Our relationship has grown deeper and refreshed all because of a government email reminding us that it could all be uprooted in a moment.

It's been over a month and just yesterday someone approached me and said sine Husband wasn't deploying he could come back to (an activity he prioritized as excess) this Thursday.  Person even emailed Husband reminding him.  The internal struggle began in me - was I being too selfish with Husband?  This activity didn't take THAT much time, and it took place during the week when the girls were getting into bed anyway... and then it happened.

ANOTHER email.

Uncle Sam sent Husband an email letting him know that his name was being tossed around for a 365 day deployment.  AGAIN.

Cattle prod to the booty.  Zowie!

Yes Husband, your weeknights are filled already.  For now the girls need their daddy and I need my man.  When the email comes that you will have to be away from us, then we will put on our big girl boots and let you go.  We will love you from afar, through tears because we're girls and we cry.  We will support you with all our hearts reminding you of the awesomeness you have waiting for you at home.  We will do those things because we are a military family and that's what we do!

Until then... Husband is busy.  His social calendar is carefully planned with family having first pick.  His children are growing aware of how blessed they are to have such a great daddy.  I am renewed and madly in love with my man.  Taking each day as a gift and being sure that no matter what the day brings, that he and I end it on a very happy note.  Making even the simple things special.  Doing all I know how, to be certain he knows he is loved and appreciated.

Don't wait to let your spouse know that you love them.  Don't take the days for granted.  You may not have the government looming with their emails, but life can change without any warning.  Does your spouse know that despite all the "grrr" in the day to day, that you love them?  Doesn't hurt to check.

I love you Husband!

Today I am the snake!!

Is your glass half full or is it half empty?

We are all familiar with the different perspectives that we can have about things in our lives.  Recently a friend of mine traveled to the city with friends and dented her van, got a ticket, lost a wallet, and had a child vomiting - all in one afternoon.  Many of us would just think - this day is NOT going well, and would have been completely derailed.  Not her.  She viewed those events as “hiccups”.  Really? Hiccups? 

Perspective.  

It’s all about perspective.  Well, that and whether or not you are a complete control freak like myself.  When things are going as I planned, or as I can manage - my glass is full.  When things start spinning out of control - my glass is not only empty - it’s shattered and I fall to my knees picking up shards of emotions trying to figure out which one I can use.  

Am I sad? hacked off? defeated? mad? emotionally constipated? Does that situation even matter? 

Perspective.

When your glass shatters - do you waste time on the crumbling emotions or to you simply reassess the situation? 

Depending on the situation - I believe that you should always just look where you are, and figure out what you can do from there.  I also believe that you are allowed to take a few moments and just feel stale.  Not long though, just enough to get a new set of big girl panties on and freshen up your attitude.  God created all those emotions, so the emotions are not the problem.  It’s what you choose to DO with those emotions that can be dangerous.  

My very talented friend took this picture.  Apparently her home has turned into a NatGeo reality show with mice, snakes, and frogs.  I myself would not handle things with the calmness she does.  I’d be shooting me some rodents. (yes, I’m from the country)

Not the point, but take a look at this picture.  

Glass half full or half empty?

Depends if you’re the frog or the snake

Perspective.

Yesterday I was the frog.  No matter where I hopped, someone somewhere was ready to chomp my head off.  I felt all that I could do was lay there and flail about while I was being devoured.  So, I had my day and today I am choosing to be the snake.  Taking todays frogs head on.  My kids are thrilled about this already! and no - they are not the frogs.

Who will you be today?

PS: the Snake is obviously the control freak here. He went for the head, leaving him in complete control - the frog, bless his heart, doesn’t stand a chance.

PPS: the frog was indeed injured in this battle.  the photographer was not.

No more pencils No more books!!!!

Today is the day.
Screams will be heard across the world at 11:45 EST when my children get off the bus.  The loudest screams will be mine.  I am so thrilled to have my girls home for a few weeks.  Yes, you read that right.  I am thrilled to have them home.

This year has been a fast one, but yet a tough one.

I cling to hopes of a better year for D2 next year.  The teacher that she is supposed to have should be perfect.  We'll see, but I have hope. Yes I know, last September I also had that same hope, but that was when we didn't know about D2 and all that would soon be changing her world.

The Movies are filled with great Kid flicks, Oriole Park is calling our name, Six Flags for a Jars of Clay & Mandisa concert, VBS, Music camp, Swimming with the cousins, trips to the library, Weeks with grandparents... YES!!  Who wouldn't love summer?

This morning when I woke D2 up I said "it's 7:30, time to get moving"  She replied "On Monday I don't even want to know that 7:30 am exists!"  Perfect, cause I don't either.  It's going to be tough to wake up for Husband's coffee making and lunch packing!  Tough, but I will be glad to do it, and then run back up to snuggle with my girls and sleep!

Ahhh, summer... you don't know just how welcomed you are in our house!!

My life is RUINED!!!

The difficult trials of being ten.
The even more difficult trials of being ten and having a sarcastic Mother and a sister with Aspergers.
Poor kid doesn't stand a chance!

Our morning went something like this...

D2 is singing her heart out about whatever pops in her mind.  Having a great morning.
D1 is stomping and screaming...
After 20 minutes of everything being wrong the conversation went like this;
D1 "This is the worst day EVER"
Mom "Well, just think how good this day is making the last 'worst day ever' look"
D1 ** growls and screams **
Mom  "What is the problem"
D1 "my life is RUINED!!!!"
Mom "wow, well, the good news is you figured this out at 10 and you can accept that and move on"
D1 ** stomps off **

Proud mommy moment?  no.
But, I am secure enough to admit that I am so not equipt for the emotional drama.  I can barely handle the emotions of Aspergers let alone pre-puberty!  Yikes!  Funny thing is I can understand when D2 is having a typical Aspie morning and D1 is irritated, but today - today everyone woke up happy.  Was there not enough drama?  Was that it?  D1 felt that she needed to create her own?  Who knows.

Maybe it's carryover emotions from the day before?  D2's therapist called us both in because D2 had something to share.  Not uncommon.  When we walked in, I think we walked into a firing range.  Nothing was really said.  D2 was extremely angry and began yelling, hitting, rocking, biting... totally tantrum.  Sad & scary stuff.  I was embarrassed that the therapist was seeing this, but at the same time was glad.  I was helpless.  I had D2 flipping out and D1 covering her ears and crying.

Commit me now.

I thought of how just 9 hours earlier that day, D2 woke up and curled up in my lap while I rocked her.  Such a precious way to start the day.  She was so sweet and loving.  Now here we were - full throttle tantrum and I was lost.

My heart was shattered in an instant.  Our time was about up and we were all falling apart.  Then, with the flip of a switch, D2 delivers an apology and all was good.  With her.  I was about to choke on the lump in my throat from holding in a breakdown.

The ride home was a long silent one.
The evening was fine and life went on.

The images of that 20 minutes have been burned into my mind.  The sounds that erupted from my baby girl are still piercing through my ears.  The feelings of failure, loneliness, and loss are just below the surface.

My role as mom - to keep it all together and press forward.  Everyday is a new day. Right?  Except I can't wait that long.  I have to live moment by moment. Thing blow up - they end - clean slate - next moment.

If I, a grown woman, still have all these emotions... then certainly my 10 yr old does too.  I know what to do with those emotions - sort of - she doesn't.

Extra serving of love and attention coming up.  We will come through this.  Stronger and amazing.

Why I like Starbucks...

or any coffee place....

The atmosphere is wonderful.  Most of the time.

You see all sorts of different types of people.  Moms in need of caffeine, business people talking shop, writers pouring their souls into their next big book.  People like me, looking for a few moments of solace, to read, relax and sometimes gain perspective.  I use these moments no matter how few, to look over email, read, catch up on blogs, and write.

While we were in Germany I fell in love with the coffee place on base - Khul Beans.  It was great.  It was like the show Cheers.  The Baristas were the same, they knew your name, your beverage of choice, and when you were looking for something new to try, they never let you down.  You could kick back in a comfy chair between meetings and relax.  You would certainly see someone you knew that would pull up a chair and visit for a few.  I loved it there.  SO much that my farewell inscription made reference to my "Khul Beans Office".

When we returned to the states, I was thankful to have a Starbucks a mile from my house.  It smells great in here and although the population is vastly different here, I still know a few faces, and enjoy the people watching.  It's relaxing, and I like that after I drop the girls off at school and have an hour before I need to be back at school, I can slip in, grab a cup of Joe and take time to breathe.

Coffee houses everywhere seem to break down barriers between strangers.  Everyone there has a common interest.  Everyone will say hello and share a smile.  People use their manners at the fixin bar, and the Barista is often friendly.  It always smells fabulous - just the smell alone is relaxing.  Think they could make a soy candle that smelled like Starbucks?

Husband and I often talk of how great it would be to have a coffee house of our own.  Just a no name place in a town just big enough to support business.  When we travel to St. Michaels Maryland, we always make sure we have time to stop in the St. Michaels Perk.  It's a great spot to grab a coffee, visit or read a book.  We have become rather spoiled, because we get so used to the wonderful flavors here that coffee at home can often be boring.  Coffee with friends though - is priceless.

Come on Summer....

The countdown has begun and soon school will be over and Summertime will be upon us!  I can't wait.  I was so optimistic at the beginning of the year, but then things changed.  Now we are just getting through.

I have the two year itch.  Feel like we should be moving.  In the past 14 years we have moved 7 times.  So to be staying put seems a bit unsettling.  It doesn't help that things at school are winding down and the dynamics of certain friendships are dwindling.  I seem to find myself in these situations where everything is going fine with friends and then suddenly something changes and it just becomes awkward and I am not quite sure why.  I guess it falls under the friends for a season category?

I like getting to know people.  Some I hit it off with, others not so much, but that's okay.  Some people I get to know a little to well.  I see how they treat others and then when I get that treatment I kick myself.  It makes things clear, and I then realize that I have been too open with my life and begin to feel like a fool.  So, a good lesson in privacy.  New friendships form out of the blue and life goes on.

My goal is to simplify.  Simplify life.  Enjoy the little things, celebrate the small stuff, and end each day knowing that time was used well.  I look forward to spending  time with the girls this summer.  Building a stronger relationship with them.  Today is so beautiful outside and I couldn't be happier sitting outside, loving the soft breeze, and relaxing with the girls.  Now if only someone would come over here and cook dinner.  THAT would make the day perfect.

The down side

Last week we went on a family vacation with very close friends of ours.  The are the kind of friends that only exist on sitcoms.  Where the husbands, wives, and children all get along with each other.  Really get along.  We are the next best thing to family.  Given some of our family experiences, I could say better than family.  There is no judgement, only love and understanding.  Neither of us have the answers to all life's problems and neither of us pretend that we do.  It' truly a Divine friendship that began over 10 years ago in a small town in Italy. 

So what is the down side I am referring to?  Well, not the friends, not the children, but the fact that my daughter has Asperger's and all the things that define her as an Aspie were in our face all week long.  There were many variables that contributed to the increased struggles.  Change of routine, well more aptly a lack of routine, and constant social interactions.  D1 and our friends two daughters are like the three stooges.  They play together very well.  D1 takes charge and they follow her like little lemmings.  They will play together for hours, something that D2 is incapable of doing.  There were many times when D2 would become overwhelmed and just leave the situation upset. Sometimes she would stay and argue.  D1 knows how this works, she is used to her sister and knows her struggles, but this week she seemed to have forgotten all those things.  I constantly heard complaints about D2.  "When she doesn't get her way she leaves".  "I was kidding and she got all mad".  "She said I was making mean faces but I wasn't".  "She always has to sit on the end and have her own space".

This made me realize just how much she struggles socially.  If there was ever any doubt about the need for therapy in her life - last week cured all those doubts.  I found myself constantly in a state of apologizing.  Adding to my feeling of failure as her mother.  Then the biggest moment - the most piercing comment "I know that D2 has somethings going on with her, but I just wish she could be normal so everyone would stop fighting."  Wow.  This lil angel did not intend her words to be mean or hurtful  They were exactly how she felt.  How many of us felt at any given moment, but wouldn't dare speak out loud.  Just hearing these words through her tears made my heart stop, my through tighten, and at that moment I couldn't breathe.  I wanted to scream out "I wish she could be normal too!"  "I wish that little things like personal space, and flexibility, and food, and bowel movements were not issues."  Instead, I left the room.  I had to remove myself as far away as I could.  I wanted to leave the house and just walk until I was too tired to walk anymore.  I made it to the top deck of the beach house and curled up in a chair and sobbed.  I sobbed like a small child, crying out to God asking why it had to be so hard.  Why did it have to hurt so much to have a child who to those who don't understand seems like a spoiled brat.  This child who is amazing in so many ways has to struggle with such simple things that come naturally to her peers.  I felt ungrateful.  I know that there are children on the Autism Spectrum that are not as high functioning as D2, parents who have children with disabilities far worse, and knew that God had chosen just the right parents for them.  I had to believe that God also chose Husband and I for D2.  And she for us.  It was at this moment I think I finally grieved the loss of the perfect dream that every mother has for her children.  It was at this moment I came face to face with the reality that D2 was indeed on the Spectrum.  Not just in all the quirky funny ways, and all the positives, but that there were real issues there, real struggles, and real consequences. 

Later that night D2 was again in a situation where everyone was upset and frustrated with her.  She was so overwhelmed and frustrated with herself, she had gone into a full fit.  Hitting herself, growling, and pulling away from everyone.  She finally broke from anger  to crying and said "it's nice that I am so super smart and good at math, but I just wish my friends could get me.  I wish people other than you and dad could really get me." 

My heat broke.  Again I felt overwhelmed and thoughts of losing friends because they couldn't handle D2 crept into my mind.  Who would love her if something happened to Husband and I?  Would someone be willing to raise her, to take her and her issues on? Or would she be left on her own?  Will she learn the skills she needs to be independent and successful?  Will she fall  to the statistic of Aspies that earn high level degrees but because of the lack of social skills can never get past the interview?  Will others see the magnificent potential in her that Husband and I see?  My heart breaks for my little love.

The week came to a bitter sweet end.  Our friends are still our friends, and even answered the phone when I called.  The truly are a blessing to us, and D2 is just wild about them.

I know that I can only take one day at a time.  To live each moment in the fullest.  To let the simple giggles and moments when I watch her and fall even deeper in love with her - be the moments that I focus on.  To let those moments creep in when the world seems alone and without hope.  I used to judge people who would talk about the "sucky side of Autism" and would focus on all the bright spots, and little quirks that were manageable.  The truth is there are times when Autism stinks big ones, but D2 is not defined by her diagnosis, She is much much more.  Her diagnosis is only a part of who she is - a part that we are learning about, and learning how to cope with, and adapt to.  People tell me that D2 is so lucky to have a mom like me... truth is, I am the lucky one.  I am humbled by her unconditional love and I pray that she will know that same love 10 fold.