Where is this going....

The family took a walk this weekend on a trail in our neighborhood.  It was a nice time.  Seeing the girls look under rocks and inside trees.  I  think D2 said she was looking for a hidden immunity idol.  I wondered what she would need immunity from, but she likes to keep me guessing.  They had fun looking at all the different trees, streams, bugs, and crossing streams on trees that had fallen down.

I was enjoying the giggles.  Don't let me mislead you.  There was a fair share of drama.  D2 had a 6 foot walking stick that could NOT stay vertical and eventually grazed my face.  I held it together. Well, other than when I launched it into the woods.  Overall the trip was a nice one.

I am a sucker for symbolism.  There is a tree on the B50 just around Meterich - in Germany - that I will never forgive myself for not getting a picture.  It sat all alone in a field. From afar it was a beautiful, perfectly shaped tree.  Up close you see that that perfect tree is actually 2 trees close together.  Between the trunks is a beautiful stone cross.  That STONE cross was at the base of this tree.  These trees. Two separate trees - had a firm foundation and grew into a beautiful, united tree.  So strong that the wind and weather of standing alone - could not destroy that tree.  Ah.  You see where I am going with this?

Marriages are falling apart all around us.  Some by adultery, some because they are young and being stupid, selfishness, and then there are some that just don't seem to have good reason.  There are couples that you look at and wonder how they stay married.  Then there are some that you look at and think - they have it together.  Those couples, those that seem to have it together, those are the marriages that are so hard to see come to an end.  Those people that share your values - that know that marriage is not to be taken lightly.  A covenant that is made with God.  Those are the ones that are hard to see fall.

Those trees in Germany had grown around that cross.  Remove it and you have a void that will not be filled by anything as substantial.

This picture I took of the path we were traveling - made me think - where are we going?  I am a person who has to know the who, what, when, why, and how.  I have a calendar - and I believe it was made for use.  I like to schedule as much as I can.  I started wondering - what path am I on.  There are things popping up in my life.  With health, kids, and husband.  Things that I just have no idea or control over.  It can be a scary path.  But do you see the light peering though?  I am commanded to think on things I KNOW to be true.  I know that my man loves me - I know my marriage is true.  I know that I have friends that love me and will be there to cry and laugh with me, even from afar.  I know that my children are healthy.  They know they are loved.  And for everyone else they are well behaved.  Together - with our firm foundation, we will make it through.  We will cry and kick along the way - but the light shines through along our path - reminding us to keep our chins up.  That we are loved, and that there is light at the end of our paths.  So, today, in the craziness - I am going to look up.  I am going to stop and remember to breathe, and think on what is True.

Hero to Zero.

Smiles, giggles, hugs, good times.

then... BOOM

Reality.  Fighting, crying, hitting, selfishness.

What a conflict of emotions. One moment I am filled with tears over how magnificent my children are behaving.  Complementing strangers.  Praying beautiful prayers.  Full of please & thank you. Then in a flash, kicking each other.  Finding it impossible to share a sink to brush their teeth, fighting over the dumbest things possible.  Why?  Just because.

When the consequence hits ~ remorse is fluid.  Then they are full of "I'm sorry".  Tears flow.  I am filled with the internal conflict of emotions.  I begin to feel so overwhelmed with frustration, sadness, love, forgiveness, anger, confusion... that I begin to feel emotionally constipated.

As much as I love being a mom, sometimes parenting can really stink.  I adore my children and would do anything for them.  I never dreamed that I could love two lil girls so stinking much.  I guess that is why it hurts so bad when things spiral out of control.  I take it personally.  When in fact it has little to nothing to do with me at times.

One of my biggest fears is failing as a mom.  I want them to love me.  I want them to know how deeply their father and I love them.  I fear that one day they will only love and see me out of obligation.  This is my fear, because this is my life with my own mom.  My relationship with my mom - very superficial.  We could not be more different.  Sad to say - but she is more of an example of the type of parent I don't want to be.  Unconditional love - something I didn't personally know until I met my husband and his family, did not exist in my family.  Love in my family was based on merit.

I often feel like I am barely treading water as a mother.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It is the most rewarding and the most heart breaking journey.  There are days I want to quit.  Just run away and leave them with someone better at this than me.  In the same heart beat - I can't stand the thought of them not being in my life.

Ah motherhood.
How I love thee and loathe thee in the same moment.

Bee Still...

Bee still.

Still. 

~not moving or making a sound~

~calm and tranquil~

I like that last definition.  As the mother of a child with ADHD, those words are sometimes a desperate plea.  Please just be still.  I think most mothers would agree that they would just like to have a moment to be still.  Some think that when your children go to school - moms have it easier.  I used to.  When my girls were little - I couldn't wait for the day they were both in school, so I could be still.  HA! When I am home the laundry, dishes, dinner, projects, dust, grocery store, and unmade beds are all calling out for me.  Let's not even bring up the military here - just to keep things simple.

Come 3pm my angels burst off the bus, walk into my picked up house (notice I didn't say clean) and their book bags vomit all over the foyer, and kitchen.  Mom sign this, Mom sign that, I need this, you forgot to sign here, I have to do this by tomorrow, can you bake that by friday, mom, mom, mom!!!  Whatever I was doing - must come to a close.  I now have switched from house wife to mom on a mission.  I love it.  I wouldn't change a thing.

But instead of looking like the bee above - confidant, full of purpose and firmly footed... I sometimes feel like this guy...

Hanging on for dear life!  Wings flapping like mad, working as fast as I can with no time to land - touch this hear, touch that there.... trying to be the best I can be.  The kind of mother who's children don't need therapy when they grow up.  The kind of wife who's husband wants to be at home.  Have the house that when unexpected guests show up - they are not barricaded at the door.

Last night the husband and I went to see the movie Date Night.  AT one point in the movie Tina Fey's character says her fantasy isn't about a dream vacation spot - not about a fancy night out - but to be ALONE.  In a hotel room ALONE, eating her favorite food ALONE.  You instantly could tell who were the moms in the theater.  

Today I am going to try to just bee.  The kids are with the grandparents.  The Husband and I are home alone.  While he is working on some things - I may work on my craft room.  I may sit outside. Whatever I do - my goal for today is to just bee still.  

Beauty?

 

So, I'm not always quite sure about this move we have made.  I just don't feel settled.  People are to busy to invest themselves in other people.  Everyone is in a rush to get somewhere.  At every stop light you feel like it's a Nascar event.  HURRY....GET TO THE NEXT RED LIGHT!!! Crazy.  The traffic is insane.

After spending the last assignment over committed and  running on empty, it is a nice change to slow down and be a REAL full time mom.  I get to work in the school, be here when the girls are home, and not stress about the ins & outs of supporting military spouses.

I miss those connections.  I miss helping out the new spouse.  New to the base, new to the military, new to this bizarre culture I have come to embrace.  I am proud to be part of something so great.  I am blessed by my Air Force sisters.  Not every woman can handle it.  Even those that can have their doubts from time to time, assignment to assignment, deployment after deployment.  At the end of the day - there are other military wives who have walked in your shoes and are there to listen to you whine and remind you what an honor it all is.

I have made a friend here that is inspiring.  She is not a military wife. She grew up military - married a man who was Army - and has settled in the area.  I find her fascinating.  She has a few blogs and is a great writer.  One of the blogs that she just started was about finding the beauty in the city life.  The little things that we often pass right by in our self absorbed days.

Today as I was headed out the door to pick up my child who is being bullied at school - I walked past the azaleas noticing that they were starting to bloom.  In my bad day - a day that I was wishing for a new assignment - these flowers caught my eye.  When I got home I grabbed my camera and took about 20 pictures of these bushes.

So I thought I would share them with you.  the chosen few that I have opened this blog to.

In all the hustle & bustle - the honking of cars and the bad attitudes of 8 year olds - these flowers still bloom.  They still have purpose.  They still open themselves up to opportunities, willing to take on the day.

Hmm - so much to stop and think about.

Women are complicated.

Well, Easter break was nice. Yes I know - it's called Spring break because we don't want to offend anyone who may not celebrate Easter - but I still call it Easter break. Especially when it falls around... you know... Easter.

My mother came to visit us for the first time in 6 years.  It was interesting and I'm glad that we made it through.  Then the Husband took off the latter part of the week. That was great. We had thought about some day trips - but after our visitor, it was nice to just hang out around the house as a family and enjoy the beautiful weather. Soon it will be to hot to sit on our porch all day long.  We had fun playing games with the kids, playing legos, painting, planting flowers, grilling, painting, and well more painting.  I took the chance to make some crafty things that my friend Kim had sent me the 'how to' links for.  Very therapeutic.

The Saturday before Easter, our neighbors (which I have mentioned before) had an egg hunt.  We reluctantly went.  Their kid is fine, definitely an only child, but our girls get along.  The mom is always weird around me. I don't really get it.  When the hunt was over - the women went into the living room to do whatever it is they do - apparently this meant that mom and other lady would talk about their plans together and people only they knew.  I am certain in some etiquette book somewhere it says when you are among people that are not in your common circle of friends - you save your private conversations for later.  SO - I politely excused myself, not that I think they noticed - chatted with the men folk about power washing decks - and then we left.

This has been a hard venue to break into.  The non military crowd.  Women should have a common bond - just because we are women.  There are so many levels to connect. Even if you are not the bestest of friends - you should have SOMETHING that you can talk about.  Kids, husbands, cooking, shopping, even the weather if you have nothing else!

It seems that some are so concerned with making ourselves out to be so much better than everyone else - that instead we make ourselves out to be less.  There was a time in my life that I would have felt inferior.  I immediately would have suffered thinking that I was dirt - that there was something wrong with me - why wouldn't they want to be my friend? I still think that to a level -I think a healthy level.  I can not change who I am.  I am in a good place.  I am too old to worry about pleasing everyone else and worrying about what others think of me.

Don't misunderstand - I don't want to be arrogant - thinking myself better.  I have pounds to get rid of, behind on my laundry and a dirty house.  But I do have to realize that in my life journey as a military wife - I have met some amazing women.  I have learned to move my family every 2 years and set up a home regardless.  I have the debt to prove it.  I take comfort in knowing that my girls are healthy and they know they are loved unconditionally.  I have a husband who I am crazy about and he wants to be home with his family.  These are the things that are true - these are the things that I am told to focus on.  The "what ifs", the "should I"... no more.  They do nothing more than break down the very core of who we are.

Women are complicated. They are just plain crazy at times.  When I meet these women - I have to remember to smile - chuckle softly to myself and be thankful for my friends that are just as normal as I am.

Thanks friends! I miss you all terribly!!!

March Already?

Where has 2010 gone already??
I see the last I was here I was frustrated with the husband. Well, on our anniversary, I called and made arrangements for the two of us to spend 2 nights away from the kids. We dropped the girls off at grandparents at 9:30 pm and the next 2 nights were all ours - uninterrupted. It was fabulous and well needed. Our time alone was way overdue.  Prior to that our only time without the girls was military functions where the night consisted of smiling and nodding.

Shortly after our rendezvous - I learned that a young couple I know were separated. That the husband had had an affair and didn't feel bad about it at all.  They are separated - no divorce is desired. He is parting like a rock star and she is waiting.  Shortly after that my life time friend's husband told her one morning that he didn't like her anymore and he wanted a divorce - after 21 years!!!  They have since started thinking clearly and are doing better.  THEN another couple we went to church with are also getting divorced.  She had an affair. He attempted to shoot himself, the gun misfired, and SHE gets to play the victim.  WTH? Not many know about her affair - but all know about his misfortune.  The news of the adultery really upset me.  It wasn't happening to me, and I do not feel threatened, but it is one of those things that preys on insecurities.

Those that commit adultery do not realize the impact that it has.  Not only have you misled your spouse, but those that you know.  The last person I mentioned - her friends had NO idea.  She knew that her husband was depressed and talked about suicide, and she told no one.

Marriage is not something I take lightly.  Love is a choice. You choose to love someone.  Sometimes Husband really pushes my buttons - not in a good way - but, no matter, I love him.  I may not be particularly fond of him at the moment, but I choose to love him.  I know that I am not perfect.  (GASP!!) We made a commitment. A covenant, to each other and to God, that we would be true to one another.  Forever.  I am so thankful, that as my heart broke for my friends, that my man was compassionate and took my hand, reminding me that that was THEM, not US. Divorce is not an option for us.  We are a team and teams stick together.

Had Husband and I not had that time alone together, that time to talk about nothing but US, about where we were headed, dreams, goals... to laugh, to simply sit in silence, to hold hands, sleep in, and enjoy all that being a married couple was about... had we not had those two nights, the last few months would have driven a deeper wedge between us.  Co-existing is not healthy.  After 13 years, we are on the same page and when one of us starts to fall off course - the other is there to pull them back.

I love my man.  I am just crazy mad about my man. I hope that my children can be as blessed as I am to marry a man half as amazing as he is.

Night all!

Push me NOW!!!

In the wise words of Donkey from the movie "Shrek the Halls", "Christmas just aint Christmas until somebody is crying!"

Ahhh - the holidays. I Love Thanksgiving.  It is the last time people are nice to others before the shopping madness begins.  Living within 2 hours of our family this year - we now have to play the family game of who goes where and when, and is it fair - are we spending as much time there as we did here and did the kids act like they enjoyed being there?

Christmas day was at home.  I am a stickler for Santa coming to our house.  As a kid, I remember waking up - opening all my presents and then my dad would disappear for a nap and I had to start getting ready to drive 90 minutes to grandmas.  There I would spend all day fighting with my 5 cousins as we received our gifts (all the same) and played.  Then we would drive back home just in time for bed.  The day after I would get to play with the toys that Santa had brought.  SO- I insist that our girls be able to open their gifts and stay home ALL day in their PJ's if they wish.  I am a bad and selfish mom.

SO - we decided to spend Christmas Eve day with Husbands family b/c his brother was in town.  We drove home late that evening and began to prep for Santa.  Santa arrived and then we spent the day relaxing and just hanging out.  Husbands parents came late in the afternoon to see what wonders that Santa had brought.  It was cool b/c they were so close - that they could do that.  Today we went to see my family and do Christmas with them.  It was awkward at best.  The mood was set when we walked in my mothers house and she told the girls... not "hi", not "Merry Christmas", but "this pile is yours and that pile is yours... go at it".  Mark had not even gotten in the door yet.  Then while they unwrapped their gifts... the TV was on and Grandma was more interested in watching the TV then watching her ONLY grandchildren open their gifts.  Hmmmm.


I know that I can never do right - I know I will always mess it all up.  What I don't know is when will it stop mattering so much.  It would be easier to just state that I am not really part of that family anymore.

Today I wished that I could climb to a mountain top and have someone shove me off.  That would be less painful then the conversations that took place.  It is my fault after all - I chose to NOT go there on Christmas day with everyone else.  Even the girls are starting to pick up on the awkwardness of being there.  Grr.  What a  bummer.

Christmas this year has been fine.  Not what I had expected.  I feel somewhat disappointed.  Not in the things - but in the things that I wanted to do - that never got done.  There are things every year that the girls and I do that we never came close to doing.  I guess I felt kinda robbed.

Next year.  I have to just pull up my boots and focus on next year.  Madison's party will happen sooner.  Christmas shopping will be done earlier - regardless if husband can help out.  We will make Christmas cookies earlier.  I will plan on the kids missing the week before Christmas.  As for the family... I don't know.  Part of me wants to say - here is where we are - here is when we will be home - give us a call if you can make it.