Smiles, giggles, hugs, good times.
then... BOOM
Reality. Fighting, crying, hitting, selfishness.
What a conflict of emotions. One moment I am filled with tears over how magnificent my children are behaving. Complementing strangers. Praying beautiful prayers. Full of please & thank you. Then in a flash, kicking each other. Finding it impossible to share a sink to brush their teeth, fighting over the dumbest things possible. Why? Just because.
When the consequence hits ~ remorse is fluid. Then they are full of "I'm sorry". Tears flow. I am filled with the internal conflict of emotions. I begin to feel so overwhelmed with frustration, sadness, love, forgiveness, anger, confusion... that I begin to feel emotionally constipated.
As much as I love being a mom, sometimes parenting can really stink. I adore my children and would do anything for them. I never dreamed that I could love two lil girls so stinking much. I guess that is why it hurts so bad when things spiral out of control. I take it personally. When in fact it has little to nothing to do with me at times.
One of my biggest fears is failing as a mom. I want them to love me. I want them to know how deeply their father and I love them. I fear that one day they will only love and see me out of obligation. This is my fear, because this is my life with my own mom. My relationship with my mom - very superficial. We could not be more different. Sad to say - but she is more of an example of the type of parent I don't want to be. Unconditional love - something I didn't personally know until I met my husband and his family, did not exist in my family. Love in my family was based on merit.
I often feel like I am barely treading water as a mother. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is the most rewarding and the most heart breaking journey. There are days I want to quit. Just run away and leave them with someone better at this than me. In the same heart beat - I can't stand the thought of them not being in my life.
Ah motherhood.
How I love thee and loathe thee in the same moment.
Oh my. This could not have come at a more aprapo moment for me. Tonight has been filled with heartache for me and my little one. And for another mom and her little one.
ReplyDeleteThe stress of doing it right is overwhelming sometimes. How much of who they are is their responsibility and how much is ours?
I totally get this post. I will say, their actions are normal. And they will know you always love them... because you do. Sometimes it's just that simple.
It's just crazy. Last night I was so touched by something D2 said that I was filled with tears. In fact I told husband "for as burlap as I am, and D2 can be - she sure has an amazing way of showing her love and sincere appreciation for people".
ReplyDeleteditto. all of it. me, you. the same.
ReplyDelete