Push me NOW!!!

In the wise words of Donkey from the movie "Shrek the Halls", "Christmas just aint Christmas until somebody is crying!"

Ahhh - the holidays. I Love Thanksgiving.  It is the last time people are nice to others before the shopping madness begins.  Living within 2 hours of our family this year - we now have to play the family game of who goes where and when, and is it fair - are we spending as much time there as we did here and did the kids act like they enjoyed being there?

Christmas day was at home.  I am a stickler for Santa coming to our house.  As a kid, I remember waking up - opening all my presents and then my dad would disappear for a nap and I had to start getting ready to drive 90 minutes to grandmas.  There I would spend all day fighting with my 5 cousins as we received our gifts (all the same) and played.  Then we would drive back home just in time for bed.  The day after I would get to play with the toys that Santa had brought.  SO- I insist that our girls be able to open their gifts and stay home ALL day in their PJ's if they wish.  I am a bad and selfish mom.

SO - we decided to spend Christmas Eve day with Husbands family b/c his brother was in town.  We drove home late that evening and began to prep for Santa.  Santa arrived and then we spent the day relaxing and just hanging out.  Husbands parents came late in the afternoon to see what wonders that Santa had brought.  It was cool b/c they were so close - that they could do that.  Today we went to see my family and do Christmas with them.  It was awkward at best.  The mood was set when we walked in my mothers house and she told the girls... not "hi", not "Merry Christmas", but "this pile is yours and that pile is yours... go at it".  Mark had not even gotten in the door yet.  Then while they unwrapped their gifts... the TV was on and Grandma was more interested in watching the TV then watching her ONLY grandchildren open their gifts.  Hmmmm.


I know that I can never do right - I know I will always mess it all up.  What I don't know is when will it stop mattering so much.  It would be easier to just state that I am not really part of that family anymore.

Today I wished that I could climb to a mountain top and have someone shove me off.  That would be less painful then the conversations that took place.  It is my fault after all - I chose to NOT go there on Christmas day with everyone else.  Even the girls are starting to pick up on the awkwardness of being there.  Grr.  What a  bummer.

Christmas this year has been fine.  Not what I had expected.  I feel somewhat disappointed.  Not in the things - but in the things that I wanted to do - that never got done.  There are things every year that the girls and I do that we never came close to doing.  I guess I felt kinda robbed.

Next year.  I have to just pull up my boots and focus on next year.  Madison's party will happen sooner.  Christmas shopping will be done earlier - regardless if husband can help out.  We will make Christmas cookies earlier.  I will plan on the kids missing the week before Christmas.  As for the family... I don't know.  Part of me wants to say - here is where we are - here is when we will be home - give us a call if you can make it.

Good business - Bad business

Good business.
Went to Hour Glass to pick up prescription sunglasses.  There was a scratch on the lens.  Bummer.  They said "Take these glasses so you are not with out.  We will order new lenses and when they come in we will put them in your frames - no cost to you. Sorry about the inconvenience."

Wow - thought that was cool.  Decent of them and I am happy to do business with them.


Bad business. 
Mattress Warehouse.  Ordered an inexpensive mattress for our guest room, for the holiday. Had been told that this particular mattress was in stock - and on hand always.  Sunday - Salesman says they are out but will have some coming in Monday / Tuesday.  Perfect.  Paid for mattress.  Monday salesman calls "Mattress is here". Great!  Monday evening Husband goes to the store and the guy gets nervous - he gave our mattress to someone else. HUH!?!?!?!  None of the other stores has the mattress in stock. Wait - the Manassas store 1 hour away does.  HUSBAND says good and makes arrangements to go THERE and pick it up.  HUH?  Driving 1 mile up the road with a mattress on the top of the car is no biggie.  Driving on the highway for an hour with a mattress on the car - biggie!  This guy screwed up and for his mistake the solution is that we drive further?  I wouldn't mind driving if maybe he refunded some $$ for my trouble. Or how about YOU get that mattress here?

Husband said since I wasn't there to be the "bad cop" that he felt bad for the guy - that he was super stressing and calling all over saying he had made the mistake, blah blah blah - I guess I don't care how embarrassed he is.  He did make a mistake.  Why do I hold on to a receipt?  Maybe today I'll sop in there and see if there are any mattresses waiting for pick up and just take that one!  Most importantly- my biggest complaint is that somehow in the midst of all this - I ended up being the bad guy.

I asked husband "did you ask about..." and tells me to call... I did, but the store was closed.  So I couldn't win.  Our nice evening last night turned into crap.

Today's chore - Bake a million cookies, Pumpkin loaves, clean house, and find a friggin mattress.

Motivation & excitement for the week - missing.

Happiness is.... Randomness....

Happiness is... having a large, caring, close nit family, that lives in another city.

Yep. That's happy.

My dad just remarried. Lucky lady #4.

I just could not even imagine getting married a 4th time.  WHY?? Is the tax break that great?  I just wonder what goes through peoples minds some times.  Once is enough for me and heaven forbid - if anything happened to Mark, I just don't have the energy to do it all over again.  Well, maybe if Mike Rowe was free and paid off all my debt.... nah - never mind.

The family went Christmas tree shopping this weekend.  WOW - what an adventure that was.  Our children were seriously out of control and in need of a good ol fashion spanking.  While we try to decide which tree has the most realistic needles, most lights, brightest lights, and doesn't cost a small fortune.  We went to Lowes - mainly b/c they had a sale and they support the troops with 10% discount!  HOURS later we escaped with a tree we could live with and better - we could live with the cost.  What a racket.

Turkey day is among us - I love Turkey day.  It's the last time everyone is feeling all euphoric before they turn psycho and dive into the madness of the commercialized Christmas.  Black friday should be outlawed.  I am waiting on a pair of prescription sunglasses and they are due in on friday.  Uh - really? Any other day PLEASE?!??!  I asked if they could be done early - she said possibly - but I think that was to shut me up and not have me freak out on her.

Black friday.  My mom LIVES for this day.  She is one of those nuts in the walmart parking lot at 2am - ready and waiting to buy NOTHING - because she "just didn't see anything".  Um - unless it is free - I can't see any reason to participate.  Even then I would really have to want it and be guaranteed that it would be there for me.  I did want to have most of my shopping out of the way before this dreaded day.  But oh well - we will manage.

SO - I am all ready to get ready for turkey day.  I did overcommit a little to the school.  I am making pumpkin shaped cookies for the class parties and I bought loaf pans to make Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Muffins for the teachers.  Crap - I forgot to get cellophane today!  Drat!

Headed to the mall tonight to buy PJ's for my daughter to wear to her PJ party at school.  She has PJ's, just none that I feel comfortable with her wearing to school.  Just isn't right seeing her belly button through her shirt.

Wish that the girls had the whole week off of school this week.  Instead, they have an early dismissal on wednesday.  They get out at 11:30.  Since they are required to serve lunch and M1's class is the first class to get lunch - she will be having lunch at 9:10am.  Yep, that's right - 1 hour and 10 minutes after she arrives at school - she has lunch.

Well - husband should be home soon and then off to the Mall we go.  I am certain that we can all eat & shop and be without any drama all evening.  Right?

sigh

Thursday. Started a new work out yesterday. I like it - but that + my 5 mile brisk walk last night about did me in. Yes, I still went on my walk.  This time there was another neighbor who joined us.  She was great.  Her son is ADHD, so we had that to talk about and we seem to agree and have similar views on things.  After the walk was over at 9:45 - we stood in my front yard and chatted until almost 11!!!  It was good though, and I think I needed to have someone in this development that could hold a real conversation.  


She is not military, but has a bunch of friends who are.  She was telling me that she loved military wives because "they throw it all out there and there is no long 'getting to know you' period".  I thought "crap - did she find my blog?" but she meant it.  She keyed in on some of the grr things about living on Wisteria Lane - and I just liked her.  It was refreshing.


Today I am going to volunteer at the school.  Looking forward to that.  Then I have lunch planned with a friend that I was with in Germany.  Looking forward to that too.  


Oh - and can someone please tell me what the huge obsession is about the Twilight Series?  Face Book is screaming with Edward fans - uh - he's a vampire - not all that good looking - and I just don't understand why people are obsessed with him. One friend even went so far as to have pictures taken of her making out with a cardboard cut out of him.  Really? There must have been alcohol involved.  I understand he is cool because he drives a volvo - all volvo drivers are cool. (me) Beyond that...?  Is this like Harry Potter for grown ups?  Or not so grown ups?  Maybe because I was raised that Vampires are bad. Evil, of the devil. That I just lack the desire to obsess.  Who knows.


My friend did make a really neat cake for a "twilight" party.  That was cool.  


Okay - off to take on the day!

I'm the filler friend

People amaze me.  I enjoy people watching. and listening.  Moving around 7 times in the last 13 years has exposed me to many different types of people.

I have often found security in other military wives.  Civilian life is just different than military life, we deal with many different things on very different levels.  But like a big fraternity - military families all over have a common thread.  Especially the wives.  We have all been there, done that - if not we know someone who has.  Hubby comes home and says he has to go out of town for 2 weeks, TOMORROW, we growl and smile and move on.  Even when he says honey - I am deploying tomorrow and I can't say where or for how long - we growl, smile and move on.

My civilian friend here - her husband leaves for 30 hours and the world is coming to a screeching halt.   "OMG, trash day is friday - he puts out the trash - wonder if he will just do it before he leaves"  REALLY?!?!  The thing is on wheels - you can do it!!! AND you only have one child - so deal already.

The other thing that wears me down on my 5 mile jaunt around the neighborhood (brisk walk that we accomplish in 1 hour and 4 minutes) is the exclusive chatting.
Military wives will invite a new person out to do something and any conversation that takes place - they will bring you up to speed on the conversation - who or what they are talking about - how they know them and what the situation is.  By the time your visit is over - you know everything about anything and you feel like you have known them for years.  That is how we work - we are not around long enough to build a relationship - we have to throw it all out there, see who we connect with and then move on.  With out those relationships with other wives - when husband comes home and says he's leaving for X amount of days - we can not manage that smile.

So my civilian friends have a friend that just moved away.  Now I get that they have all grown up together - went to school together, lived on the same street, and had their children with in a few weeks of each other.  They grew up, married and now live in the same development ON THE SAME BLOCK!!! All I hear about for an hour is their poor friend who has to find another doctor, make new friends, buy new curtains... yeah. So - they plan trips together.  I don't mean hey- lets meet up in a few months - they meet up at least once a month.  It's cool at first - when I describe it this way - but now it's getting a little freaky.  Now the ladies are getting together for concerts, games... so weekly.  She lives in another state - about 5-6 hours away.  This week I am hearing all about their trip to a concert they have planned.

I just think it is rude.  Why invite me to be a part of your walking group & your lil desperate housewives game night - and spend the whole time talking to each other about your friend and all the things you are doing with each other that do not in any way include me.  It's just awkward and rude.  I think I am pulling out.  I am their filler.  They needed another person for game night - and here I am.  It could have only been worse if I had bought that friends house.  Whew - glad we didn't do that!

I love my military friends - and the EXCEPTIONAL civilian friends that I have!!!

Family... Check

Well - I made it through the day.

What I like about my family is that as much as they are Springer material - it's not by their verbals - because that would open them up for rebuttal - but their NON-verbals. The looks, the stares - the total and complete judgement, with out one word.

Today was fine. It was actually nice to see some relatives that I had not seen in years. Others - not so nice. ;-)  I loved hearing over and over how glad people were that we were back in the Sates and that we were close enough to be a apart of family things like this.  However - imagine the question mark above my head when we turned the tables and invited people to come see us (since we were so close and all) and their response was "oh - it's just so far of a drive" or "that traffic is so much..." or "I don't really ever go to Virginia".

My mom is the best though. She wins the Oscar every time.  Poor thing, never sees her grandchildren.  She has my family convinced that we don't let her.  She complains - for 13 years now- about how far away we live.  When we lived in southern VA a few years back - we were 3.5 hours away.  Still too far.  In the 3 years we were there - she came 3 times.  Anywho... She thanks us over and over about making the trip to come up there.  She kept asking about the house - I suggested she come see it - but - no can do.  "it's so far... Oh the traffic... Gas is so expensive..."  Most of the family is that way.  My favorite line... "you're all the way in VIRGINIA!!!!"  (family is in Baltimore) She even said, just last week, that she wished we could be closer so she could be involved with the girls.  I did kinda loose it and mention that even if we lived right next door - the puddle between our driveways would prove to be too much for her cross.

It's never close enough.  I wish I could understand why they can't come here but complain that I don't come there enough.  In the 4 months that we have been back in the states - we have been there 5 times.  Hmmmm.  Even more - I wish I could understand why it hacks me off so much.  I think I just need to be the bitch they think I am and say "ya know what?  Since you have not given ANY effort to knowing your grandchildren in the last 5 years, no phone calls, no visits, no emails, not even a birthday card... we are done.  You know where we live, you know our phone number (because you dial it to complain that I have not called you in a while) so - let us know when you want to be a grandmother."

I am certain it will come up in the next 6 months or so.

Highlights of the day:
-Mom hands me a plastic bag and says - there is a longaberger basket in there for you - that's your Christmas gift.  (Christmas for the kid...check)
-Mom - seeing my new glasses asks if I was trying to look like Sarah Palin. WTH?!?!
-My youngest says - "wow this is like a family reunion and no one even died!"
- Granny announces that since we are all together - she is paying for our lunches and that is her Christmas gift to everyone. Huh? (Christmas for the family....check)
- Mom, again, making My youngest seem weak and pitied for being ADHD and taking meds.  WTH!?!?!?
- MOM - when we gave her the school pictures she says "wow - they look just like the girls!" uh, who else would they look like?

The day is over - back to my life WAY over here in VA - through all the traffic.
My glass of German wine is making me feel happy.

the family...

I will never forget that morning in Germany when Husband came to me with his blackberry and said - we have an assignment. My heart stopped. I was hopeful that it said Barksdale or Langley. I would settle for Stutgartt (germany) because we were already in Germany and the bavarian region is fabulous! 

I tied to read Husband's face - but he wasn’t really looking at me.  I didn’t care much about where we went. I wanted him to have an assignment that he liked and one that would be good for our family.  The only places I really did not want to go was Hawaii and the Pentagon. Well, as you know - our next stop was indeed the Pentagon.  I cried.  I was excited for some reasons, but not so excited for others.  

Going home for me was never something I got super excited about.  I really didn’t mind being away and having my own life free from family drama and the feeling of having to reach some unreachable standard.  Not sure I ever really fit in with my own family and not sure I was good enough to fit in with Husband's.  

People change when they move away.  I did.  Different things became important to me, other things not so much anymore.  Once we had children, it was a whole new ball game.  Growing up, my family based importance on birth order. Then on your regional location.  I was the 3rd girl grandchild and lived furthest away, so I didn’t stand a chance.  The oldest cousin was the best and got first pick of everything because “she’s the oldest”. Cousin number 2 was favored also. She and I were born 9 days apart and apparently I must be punished for this.  See my being born so close to her took something away from her. I don’t know what - but it was always “a shame that I had to be born so close to her”.  Not living within a 20 minute radius was another strike for me.  My grandfather and I were close and any trip home was mostly to see him.  Now that he has died, it has become an obligation.

This is why living close to home is BAD. Today there is a birthday lunch for my grandmother.  Even though the restaurant they chose is about 2.5 hrs away, there is that expectation that we will be  there.  That's fine. I am dreading it b/c I would rather spend my day drilling my teeth than spending it surrounded by those who leave me filled with such confused emotion.  Our get togethers have been fine so far, but it has been just a few at a time.  Now we will ALL be together in PUBLIC! Our disfunction works in private, but to we need to put it on security cameras?

Granny has her favorites among the great grandchildren. Once again, the birth order rule is in effect. This time around though, things got confusing.  See the oldest girl cousin (we'll call her T1) was the last to start having children. She did manage to have the first boy so kudos for that one.  Cousin 2 (T2) scored big!! First to get married,and she had 2 kids.  My kids are #3 & 5. Nothing special there. My husband isn't in jail, he is not cheating on me, not a verbally abusive moron, and not super state police man, so we get no pity vote. DARN. Still, my kids loose out. Even their own grandmother (my mom) has little to do with them.

I managed to break out of the Springer Show, and marry a man that is a good, faithful man and a good father.  And the best part - we moved AWAY!!!  SO now, I am no longer the outcast of the family - I am the snob. Huh? Told right to my face.

Of course that did follow the conversation when I first brought my daughter home for them to see. It went along the lines of "you can choose to be around people that make you feel good about yourself & support you OR you can be around those that tear you down. I will not be around the later and neither will my daughter, so things need to change."  This was perceived  as me threatening to never let them see my children unless they were nice, loved them for them and did not love them based on birth order.. I am a snob. And this was the moment I saw my family was not capable of unconditional love.

BUT NOW!!!!!  We are just under 2 hours away from my family.  Just as we predicted, still to far for them to come and visit.  Distance is their excuse for not being involved.  They like to blame Husband and I. "you guys always have to live so far" We miss out on the kids.  So here we are, closer, but apparently still not close enough.  The roads from their house to ours are longer than the ride from our house to theirs.

So, today we will put on our smiles. Poppy would have wanted us to go. We will sit and eat and listen to everyone talk about how wonderful they are, and when the heads get to big, we will listen to the conversation change to how bad everyone has it. It is a long traditional game my family plays.  Then whoever is the first to leave, will be the next topic of conversation.  I hope it is us - I can't stomach it and I need to be nice.  Yes, it has to be us. 

Here goes nothing!

Freshness

Breathe in, Breathe out....

Here it is - the freedom blog. My personal therapy. And you get to join me for the ride. 

Burlap & Lace... My husband once described me as lace with burlap edges. It stuck. It fit, so why not. Most romantics may have said "she's like a M&M, hard lil shell, but a sweet center". Not my man. I don't think he meant the burlap an insult - but re recognizes that I am a bit outspoken, but tender hearted and sometimes lack a filter between my heart and my mouth. I have gotten much better over the years. Marriage, kids, and moving all over the world every 2-3 years will do that to you. The husband's job has taught me about being a good wife and holding my tongue when necessary.

I am old fashioned in my thoughts about being a stay at home mom, being married forever - to the same person, and putting my family first. Yes, I know it's hard to believe that there are those of us who exist. Am I a perfect wife & mother? uh... no. I do have the best of intentions - but that and a nickel wont buy you a cup of coffee.

My best friend is as normal as I am. Together she and I will solve the worlds problems. We will be writing a book soon. And by soon I mean in the next 10-30 years.

Thanks for filling your time reading this blog. I love feedback. I need feedback. Verbal affirmation is a must in my life. SO please - feel free to comment on anything I may write about.

Hold on tight - I am sure it will be a bumpy ride.