the family...

I will never forget that morning in Germany when Husband came to me with his blackberry and said - we have an assignment. My heart stopped. I was hopeful that it said Barksdale or Langley. I would settle for Stutgartt (germany) because we were already in Germany and the bavarian region is fabulous! 

I tied to read Husband's face - but he wasn’t really looking at me.  I didn’t care much about where we went. I wanted him to have an assignment that he liked and one that would be good for our family.  The only places I really did not want to go was Hawaii and the Pentagon. Well, as you know - our next stop was indeed the Pentagon.  I cried.  I was excited for some reasons, but not so excited for others.  

Going home for me was never something I got super excited about.  I really didn’t mind being away and having my own life free from family drama and the feeling of having to reach some unreachable standard.  Not sure I ever really fit in with my own family and not sure I was good enough to fit in with Husband's.  

People change when they move away.  I did.  Different things became important to me, other things not so much anymore.  Once we had children, it was a whole new ball game.  Growing up, my family based importance on birth order. Then on your regional location.  I was the 3rd girl grandchild and lived furthest away, so I didn’t stand a chance.  The oldest cousin was the best and got first pick of everything because “she’s the oldest”. Cousin number 2 was favored also. She and I were born 9 days apart and apparently I must be punished for this.  See my being born so close to her took something away from her. I don’t know what - but it was always “a shame that I had to be born so close to her”.  Not living within a 20 minute radius was another strike for me.  My grandfather and I were close and any trip home was mostly to see him.  Now that he has died, it has become an obligation.

This is why living close to home is BAD. Today there is a birthday lunch for my grandmother.  Even though the restaurant they chose is about 2.5 hrs away, there is that expectation that we will be  there.  That's fine. I am dreading it b/c I would rather spend my day drilling my teeth than spending it surrounded by those who leave me filled with such confused emotion.  Our get togethers have been fine so far, but it has been just a few at a time.  Now we will ALL be together in PUBLIC! Our disfunction works in private, but to we need to put it on security cameras?

Granny has her favorites among the great grandchildren. Once again, the birth order rule is in effect. This time around though, things got confusing.  See the oldest girl cousin (we'll call her T1) was the last to start having children. She did manage to have the first boy so kudos for that one.  Cousin 2 (T2) scored big!! First to get married,and she had 2 kids.  My kids are #3 & 5. Nothing special there. My husband isn't in jail, he is not cheating on me, not a verbally abusive moron, and not super state police man, so we get no pity vote. DARN. Still, my kids loose out. Even their own grandmother (my mom) has little to do with them.

I managed to break out of the Springer Show, and marry a man that is a good, faithful man and a good father.  And the best part - we moved AWAY!!!  SO now, I am no longer the outcast of the family - I am the snob. Huh? Told right to my face.

Of course that did follow the conversation when I first brought my daughter home for them to see. It went along the lines of "you can choose to be around people that make you feel good about yourself & support you OR you can be around those that tear you down. I will not be around the later and neither will my daughter, so things need to change."  This was perceived  as me threatening to never let them see my children unless they were nice, loved them for them and did not love them based on birth order.. I am a snob. And this was the moment I saw my family was not capable of unconditional love.

BUT NOW!!!!!  We are just under 2 hours away from my family.  Just as we predicted, still to far for them to come and visit.  Distance is their excuse for not being involved.  They like to blame Husband and I. "you guys always have to live so far" We miss out on the kids.  So here we are, closer, but apparently still not close enough.  The roads from their house to ours are longer than the ride from our house to theirs.

So, today we will put on our smiles. Poppy would have wanted us to go. We will sit and eat and listen to everyone talk about how wonderful they are, and when the heads get to big, we will listen to the conversation change to how bad everyone has it. It is a long traditional game my family plays.  Then whoever is the first to leave, will be the next topic of conversation.  I hope it is us - I can't stomach it and I need to be nice.  Yes, it has to be us. 

Here goes nothing!