A friend

We all have friends.  Many different types of friends.  Friends in different circles of our lives.  Friends that we simply smile and touch in with, and friends that we can pour our deepest thoughts and fears out with.  Friends come and go.  Some start out as friends, but then you learn that they were just friends for a season. I recently had a friend that I thought would be a real friend.  We shared some great times.  Then everything came to an end.  I was confused, and felt betrayed from things that I had trusted to our friendship.

This started me to reevaluate relationships I have in my life.  It helped me to see those in my life that are true.  The friends that truly matter - and whose friendships are unconditional.  The friends who know what is important in life.  Who understand mental health days.  That no matter how mad you are at your husband - you love him like crazy!  Who can swap stories about bad parenting.  Who's imperfections are exactly what makes them perfect!

Though friendships that I have invested in have come to a close, I can smile and appreciate those that I know will never close, those that are full of heart when it really matters.

Today though, I lost one of those rare and amazing friends.  Today my heart breaks for the twin brother and sister that will wake up without a mother.  For the husband who had such a deep love for his wife that now finds himself a single dad.  Today the world lost an amazing woman who had an infectious optimism, that made her someone you wanted to be around.  Today my friend Liz died unexectedly from a pulmonary embolism.  Liz knew what it meant to live.  She did everything 100% and was the most genuine person I knew.  She loved with her whole heart.

Every memory I have of Liz, involves a smile.  Even times when tears were shed, they always turned to smiles.  From the simple times of drinking coffee after watching our girls do the "ho down throw down" in the school parking lot, to the long meetings planning events for the base.  We solved all of the Air Force's problems while drinking coffee at Khul Beans and became expert wine samplers at the Bazaar.  Lunches at Isola Bella and the most memorable Dinning In to wrap up great moments in Germany.

Everyone should be so lucky to have a "Liz" in their lives.  I know my life, and those who knew her have been blessed beyond what can be put into words.

My fellow Dudeldorfer.
Who always had a smile, a hug, or a story.
You have shown us how to love, how to care, how to laugh, and how to be the truest definition of a friend.
You have touched the lives of many - leaving memories that will last forever.
You have loved our children and shown us what it means to be an amazing mom.
May our lives be remembered as fondly as yours will.

I will miss you my friend.
Thank you for Loving!

Love renewed from a government email...

On a Friday morning in mid June, Husband received an email letting him know that since it had been a while since his last deployment, his name was being tossed around for one soon.  A long one. 365+ days to be exact.

He kept this information to himself through the weekend, as we had company and life was pretty much a series of tornados.  Or Nor-Tados as D2 calls them.  On Monday afternoon he told me about the notice and that USUALLY they notify you within the next 24 hours.  No notice was received with direction either way.  On Tuesday a notice was sent out seeking volunteers for a few assignments with a deadline of Thursday and non-volunteers would be told on Friday.  Again these dates came and went without a word.

Talk about a mixed bag of emotions.  Don't get me wrong here.  I am not one of those wives that thinks that marrying a military man will mean we get to live in one place all our lives, next to mom and dad, and we will never be apart.  Not kidding, I have met these wives.  In the almost 15 years we have been married, we have lived in 7 locations, 2 of which were out of country.  I have been happy to follow my man around, setting up house where ever and with whatever circumstances we had.  I was 5 months pregnant when I moved to Italy to an Italian base only to leave 2 years later with 2 babies.  I have always been happy to follow Husband, because I knew when I married him that he was a military man.

While this potential news of him being gone for over a year was sad, I knew we were not the only family making this sacrifice, that although we have had separations that we measured in months and not years, we survived those.  We are a military family and we can do anything for a year!

The biggest impact was that I realized just how much I take Husband for granted.  The day to day stuff.  The things that seemed so important - suddenly we not important at all.  The thing that seemed most important was simply TIME.  Our American lifestyle of activity leads us to a lifestyle of captivity.   While STUFF seems important, camps-clubs-sports-volunteering-parties, what we fail to prioritize is family.  Simple family time.

It was important that the girls have time with Daddy.  That Husband knew that I truly loved him with all my heart.  In those moments, we started dropping some commitments that were taking us away from each other.  We made plans to go places and do fun things as a family.  We started putting the four of us first.

I think the biggest change was me.  I had this renewed motivation to be certain that Husband knew without a doubt that I was thankful for him and all he does for our family.  I wanted to be sure that he looked forward to coming home every day.  That he knew that he was a priority.  Our conversations seemed to have more meaning to them.  Our times of just being in the same room reading became more precious.  Our relationship has grown deeper and refreshed all because of a government email reminding us that it could all be uprooted in a moment.

It's been over a month and just yesterday someone approached me and said sine Husband wasn't deploying he could come back to (an activity he prioritized as excess) this Thursday.  Person even emailed Husband reminding him.  The internal struggle began in me - was I being too selfish with Husband?  This activity didn't take THAT much time, and it took place during the week when the girls were getting into bed anyway... and then it happened.

ANOTHER email.

Uncle Sam sent Husband an email letting him know that his name was being tossed around for a 365 day deployment.  AGAIN.

Cattle prod to the booty.  Zowie!

Yes Husband, your weeknights are filled already.  For now the girls need their daddy and I need my man.  When the email comes that you will have to be away from us, then we will put on our big girl boots and let you go.  We will love you from afar, through tears because we're girls and we cry.  We will support you with all our hearts reminding you of the awesomeness you have waiting for you at home.  We will do those things because we are a military family and that's what we do!

Until then... Husband is busy.  His social calendar is carefully planned with family having first pick.  His children are growing aware of how blessed they are to have such a great daddy.  I am renewed and madly in love with my man.  Taking each day as a gift and being sure that no matter what the day brings, that he and I end it on a very happy note.  Making even the simple things special.  Doing all I know how, to be certain he knows he is loved and appreciated.

Don't wait to let your spouse know that you love them.  Don't take the days for granted.  You may not have the government looming with their emails, but life can change without any warning.  Does your spouse know that despite all the "grrr" in the day to day, that you love them?  Doesn't hurt to check.

I love you Husband!

Today I am the snake!!

Is your glass half full or is it half empty?

We are all familiar with the different perspectives that we can have about things in our lives.  Recently a friend of mine traveled to the city with friends and dented her van, got a ticket, lost a wallet, and had a child vomiting - all in one afternoon.  Many of us would just think - this day is NOT going well, and would have been completely derailed.  Not her.  She viewed those events as “hiccups”.  Really? Hiccups? 

Perspective.  

It’s all about perspective.  Well, that and whether or not you are a complete control freak like myself.  When things are going as I planned, or as I can manage - my glass is full.  When things start spinning out of control - my glass is not only empty - it’s shattered and I fall to my knees picking up shards of emotions trying to figure out which one I can use.  

Am I sad? hacked off? defeated? mad? emotionally constipated? Does that situation even matter? 

Perspective.

When your glass shatters - do you waste time on the crumbling emotions or to you simply reassess the situation? 

Depending on the situation - I believe that you should always just look where you are, and figure out what you can do from there.  I also believe that you are allowed to take a few moments and just feel stale.  Not long though, just enough to get a new set of big girl panties on and freshen up your attitude.  God created all those emotions, so the emotions are not the problem.  It’s what you choose to DO with those emotions that can be dangerous.  

My very talented friend took this picture.  Apparently her home has turned into a NatGeo reality show with mice, snakes, and frogs.  I myself would not handle things with the calmness she does.  I’d be shooting me some rodents. (yes, I’m from the country)

Not the point, but take a look at this picture.  

Glass half full or half empty?

Depends if you’re the frog or the snake

Perspective.

Yesterday I was the frog.  No matter where I hopped, someone somewhere was ready to chomp my head off.  I felt all that I could do was lay there and flail about while I was being devoured.  So, I had my day and today I am choosing to be the snake.  Taking todays frogs head on.  My kids are thrilled about this already! and no - they are not the frogs.

Who will you be today?

PS: the Snake is obviously the control freak here. He went for the head, leaving him in complete control - the frog, bless his heart, doesn’t stand a chance.

PPS: the frog was indeed injured in this battle.  the photographer was not.

No more pencils No more books!!!!

Today is the day.
Screams will be heard across the world at 11:45 EST when my children get off the bus.  The loudest screams will be mine.  I am so thrilled to have my girls home for a few weeks.  Yes, you read that right.  I am thrilled to have them home.

This year has been a fast one, but yet a tough one.

I cling to hopes of a better year for D2 next year.  The teacher that she is supposed to have should be perfect.  We'll see, but I have hope. Yes I know, last September I also had that same hope, but that was when we didn't know about D2 and all that would soon be changing her world.

The Movies are filled with great Kid flicks, Oriole Park is calling our name, Six Flags for a Jars of Clay & Mandisa concert, VBS, Music camp, Swimming with the cousins, trips to the library, Weeks with grandparents... YES!!  Who wouldn't love summer?

This morning when I woke D2 up I said "it's 7:30, time to get moving"  She replied "On Monday I don't even want to know that 7:30 am exists!"  Perfect, cause I don't either.  It's going to be tough to wake up for Husband's coffee making and lunch packing!  Tough, but I will be glad to do it, and then run back up to snuggle with my girls and sleep!

Ahhh, summer... you don't know just how welcomed you are in our house!!

My life is RUINED!!!

The difficult trials of being ten.
The even more difficult trials of being ten and having a sarcastic Mother and a sister with Aspergers.
Poor kid doesn't stand a chance!

Our morning went something like this...

D2 is singing her heart out about whatever pops in her mind.  Having a great morning.
D1 is stomping and screaming...
After 20 minutes of everything being wrong the conversation went like this;
D1 "This is the worst day EVER"
Mom "Well, just think how good this day is making the last 'worst day ever' look"
D1 ** growls and screams **
Mom  "What is the problem"
D1 "my life is RUINED!!!!"
Mom "wow, well, the good news is you figured this out at 10 and you can accept that and move on"
D1 ** stomps off **

Proud mommy moment?  no.
But, I am secure enough to admit that I am so not equipt for the emotional drama.  I can barely handle the emotions of Aspergers let alone pre-puberty!  Yikes!  Funny thing is I can understand when D2 is having a typical Aspie morning and D1 is irritated, but today - today everyone woke up happy.  Was there not enough drama?  Was that it?  D1 felt that she needed to create her own?  Who knows.

Maybe it's carryover emotions from the day before?  D2's therapist called us both in because D2 had something to share.  Not uncommon.  When we walked in, I think we walked into a firing range.  Nothing was really said.  D2 was extremely angry and began yelling, hitting, rocking, biting... totally tantrum.  Sad & scary stuff.  I was embarrassed that the therapist was seeing this, but at the same time was glad.  I was helpless.  I had D2 flipping out and D1 covering her ears and crying.

Commit me now.

I thought of how just 9 hours earlier that day, D2 woke up and curled up in my lap while I rocked her.  Such a precious way to start the day.  She was so sweet and loving.  Now here we were - full throttle tantrum and I was lost.

My heart was shattered in an instant.  Our time was about up and we were all falling apart.  Then, with the flip of a switch, D2 delivers an apology and all was good.  With her.  I was about to choke on the lump in my throat from holding in a breakdown.

The ride home was a long silent one.
The evening was fine and life went on.

The images of that 20 minutes have been burned into my mind.  The sounds that erupted from my baby girl are still piercing through my ears.  The feelings of failure, loneliness, and loss are just below the surface.

My role as mom - to keep it all together and press forward.  Everyday is a new day. Right?  Except I can't wait that long.  I have to live moment by moment. Thing blow up - they end - clean slate - next moment.

If I, a grown woman, still have all these emotions... then certainly my 10 yr old does too.  I know what to do with those emotions - sort of - she doesn't.

Extra serving of love and attention coming up.  We will come through this.  Stronger and amazing.

Why I like Starbucks...

or any coffee place....

The atmosphere is wonderful.  Most of the time.

You see all sorts of different types of people.  Moms in need of caffeine, business people talking shop, writers pouring their souls into their next big book.  People like me, looking for a few moments of solace, to read, relax and sometimes gain perspective.  I use these moments no matter how few, to look over email, read, catch up on blogs, and write.

While we were in Germany I fell in love with the coffee place on base - Khul Beans.  It was great.  It was like the show Cheers.  The Baristas were the same, they knew your name, your beverage of choice, and when you were looking for something new to try, they never let you down.  You could kick back in a comfy chair between meetings and relax.  You would certainly see someone you knew that would pull up a chair and visit for a few.  I loved it there.  SO much that my farewell inscription made reference to my "Khul Beans Office".

When we returned to the states, I was thankful to have a Starbucks a mile from my house.  It smells great in here and although the population is vastly different here, I still know a few faces, and enjoy the people watching.  It's relaxing, and I like that after I drop the girls off at school and have an hour before I need to be back at school, I can slip in, grab a cup of Joe and take time to breathe.

Coffee houses everywhere seem to break down barriers between strangers.  Everyone there has a common interest.  Everyone will say hello and share a smile.  People use their manners at the fixin bar, and the Barista is often friendly.  It always smells fabulous - just the smell alone is relaxing.  Think they could make a soy candle that smelled like Starbucks?

Husband and I often talk of how great it would be to have a coffee house of our own.  Just a no name place in a town just big enough to support business.  When we travel to St. Michaels Maryland, we always make sure we have time to stop in the St. Michaels Perk.  It's a great spot to grab a coffee, visit or read a book.  We have become rather spoiled, because we get so used to the wonderful flavors here that coffee at home can often be boring.  Coffee with friends though - is priceless.

Come on Summer....

The countdown has begun and soon school will be over and Summertime will be upon us!  I can't wait.  I was so optimistic at the beginning of the year, but then things changed.  Now we are just getting through.

I have the two year itch.  Feel like we should be moving.  In the past 14 years we have moved 7 times.  So to be staying put seems a bit unsettling.  It doesn't help that things at school are winding down and the dynamics of certain friendships are dwindling.  I seem to find myself in these situations where everything is going fine with friends and then suddenly something changes and it just becomes awkward and I am not quite sure why.  I guess it falls under the friends for a season category?

I like getting to know people.  Some I hit it off with, others not so much, but that's okay.  Some people I get to know a little to well.  I see how they treat others and then when I get that treatment I kick myself.  It makes things clear, and I then realize that I have been too open with my life and begin to feel like a fool.  So, a good lesson in privacy.  New friendships form out of the blue and life goes on.

My goal is to simplify.  Simplify life.  Enjoy the little things, celebrate the small stuff, and end each day knowing that time was used well.  I look forward to spending  time with the girls this summer.  Building a stronger relationship with them.  Today is so beautiful outside and I couldn't be happier sitting outside, loving the soft breeze, and relaxing with the girls.  Now if only someone would come over here and cook dinner.  THAT would make the day perfect.

The down side

Last week we went on a family vacation with very close friends of ours.  The are the kind of friends that only exist on sitcoms.  Where the husbands, wives, and children all get along with each other.  Really get along.  We are the next best thing to family.  Given some of our family experiences, I could say better than family.  There is no judgement, only love and understanding.  Neither of us have the answers to all life's problems and neither of us pretend that we do.  It' truly a Divine friendship that began over 10 years ago in a small town in Italy. 

So what is the down side I am referring to?  Well, not the friends, not the children, but the fact that my daughter has Asperger's and all the things that define her as an Aspie were in our face all week long.  There were many variables that contributed to the increased struggles.  Change of routine, well more aptly a lack of routine, and constant social interactions.  D1 and our friends two daughters are like the three stooges.  They play together very well.  D1 takes charge and they follow her like little lemmings.  They will play together for hours, something that D2 is incapable of doing.  There were many times when D2 would become overwhelmed and just leave the situation upset. Sometimes she would stay and argue.  D1 knows how this works, she is used to her sister and knows her struggles, but this week she seemed to have forgotten all those things.  I constantly heard complaints about D2.  "When she doesn't get her way she leaves".  "I was kidding and she got all mad".  "She said I was making mean faces but I wasn't".  "She always has to sit on the end and have her own space".

This made me realize just how much she struggles socially.  If there was ever any doubt about the need for therapy in her life - last week cured all those doubts.  I found myself constantly in a state of apologizing.  Adding to my feeling of failure as her mother.  Then the biggest moment - the most piercing comment "I know that D2 has somethings going on with her, but I just wish she could be normal so everyone would stop fighting."  Wow.  This lil angel did not intend her words to be mean or hurtful  They were exactly how she felt.  How many of us felt at any given moment, but wouldn't dare speak out loud.  Just hearing these words through her tears made my heart stop, my through tighten, and at that moment I couldn't breathe.  I wanted to scream out "I wish she could be normal too!"  "I wish that little things like personal space, and flexibility, and food, and bowel movements were not issues."  Instead, I left the room.  I had to remove myself as far away as I could.  I wanted to leave the house and just walk until I was too tired to walk anymore.  I made it to the top deck of the beach house and curled up in a chair and sobbed.  I sobbed like a small child, crying out to God asking why it had to be so hard.  Why did it have to hurt so much to have a child who to those who don't understand seems like a spoiled brat.  This child who is amazing in so many ways has to struggle with such simple things that come naturally to her peers.  I felt ungrateful.  I know that there are children on the Autism Spectrum that are not as high functioning as D2, parents who have children with disabilities far worse, and knew that God had chosen just the right parents for them.  I had to believe that God also chose Husband and I for D2.  And she for us.  It was at this moment I think I finally grieved the loss of the perfect dream that every mother has for her children.  It was at this moment I came face to face with the reality that D2 was indeed on the Spectrum.  Not just in all the quirky funny ways, and all the positives, but that there were real issues there, real struggles, and real consequences. 

Later that night D2 was again in a situation where everyone was upset and frustrated with her.  She was so overwhelmed and frustrated with herself, she had gone into a full fit.  Hitting herself, growling, and pulling away from everyone.  She finally broke from anger  to crying and said "it's nice that I am so super smart and good at math, but I just wish my friends could get me.  I wish people other than you and dad could really get me." 

My heat broke.  Again I felt overwhelmed and thoughts of losing friends because they couldn't handle D2 crept into my mind.  Who would love her if something happened to Husband and I?  Would someone be willing to raise her, to take her and her issues on? Or would she be left on her own?  Will she learn the skills she needs to be independent and successful?  Will she fall  to the statistic of Aspies that earn high level degrees but because of the lack of social skills can never get past the interview?  Will others see the magnificent potential in her that Husband and I see?  My heart breaks for my little love.

The week came to a bitter sweet end.  Our friends are still our friends, and even answered the phone when I called.  The truly are a blessing to us, and D2 is just wild about them.

I know that I can only take one day at a time.  To live each moment in the fullest.  To let the simple giggles and moments when I watch her and fall even deeper in love with her - be the moments that I focus on.  To let those moments creep in when the world seems alone and without hope.  I used to judge people who would talk about the "sucky side of Autism" and would focus on all the bright spots, and little quirks that were manageable.  The truth is there are times when Autism stinks big ones, but D2 is not defined by her diagnosis, She is much much more.  Her diagnosis is only a part of who she is - a part that we are learning about, and learning how to cope with, and adapt to.  People tell me that D2 is so lucky to have a mom like me... truth is, I am the lucky one.  I am humbled by her unconditional love and I pray that she will know that same love 10 fold.

Where I have been...

Just a taste of the 1200+ photos taken while we enjoyed our spring break at the Outer Banks.

Roanoke Island.. Amazing to stand where the first settlers landed...

more by me...

Cherry Blossoms

On Friday and friend and I took a field trip to the Tidal Basin for some photo therapy.  The sun was shining beautifully and the blossoms were just beginning to bloom.  The weather was cold and windy, but my heart was warm and fuzzy!  This was one of those days that I just didn't want to end.

I'll post more pictures later. This is a very busy weekend for our family, so my time is limited.  Besides, this way I can prolong the pleasures of this day all week long.

recharge before use...

Today I looked at my iPhone and it let me know that I needed to charge the battery.  I was thinking - how wise that this device reminds us when it needs to be charged.  How much wiser that it knows when it's battery is running low.  If only I was that wise.

By the time I recognize I am low on power (patience) the world is already spinning out of control and I am completely empty.  If only I could just say "I'm sorry, but before you press any of my buttons today, you will need to let me sit on the counter and recharge my battery."

AND - people would recognize this and say "oh, the mommy is recharging, we have to wait a bit before we suck the life out of her again"

The problem with a low battery is that we don't preform our best.  We lose perspective on what the real issues are.

D1, my 10 yr old is wearing me down.  The last 2 weeks she has mouthed off, 'forgot' to do important things, and is yelling ridiculous things at me.  She seriously has lost her mind.  Add on the school issues with D2 - and you have a recipe for disaster.  D2 spins out of control at times, and  you think she's just wound up.... but then issues get worse and before you know it you are thinking "what is wrong with this child!?! Why is she doing this?"  Then a little voice hits you in the head and says "she has Asperger's you nub!! she can't really help it!"

I think we get so caught up in shining the positive light on disabilities, that we forget the reality of the not so positive sides.  Today's topic being bowel movements.  There is a relation between the two.  I thought it was silly before the Dr pointed it out to me.  Not all - but there is a connection and it is not uncommon for children with Aspergers to not have bowl movements.  Understand, I am not complaining about skipping a day.  Not even skipping 2 days. I am talking about going a week or more.  Dangerous levels of not going.  Why?  Just because she doesn't like to.  In fact she hates going.  The docs tell me it is a sensory thing.

Regardless, here we are in the battle of poo.  I accept the blame.  I try to stay on top of things - seeing that she TRY to go every other day.  We have sticker charts, and rewards, and the whole sha-bang-bang for rewards.  I do well for a while and before you know it, life takes over and it's been a week or more and she hasn't gone.  I know the signs that she has to go.  Rocking, can't sit on hard surfaces, not eating, hiding her underwear, not sleeping well...But when all these signs show - it's too late, we are in for the long haul and the battle of the wills.  This struggle, on top of an already emotional week, becomes the moment my battery light flashes and says - "you should have recharged me!!  I'm shutting down"

I am thankful for Husband.  He had to step in b/c I stepped off.  Most mothers fear their child will die from a stranger, or an accident, I fear my child will die because her bowels will erupt.  You just can't make a child poop.  Sure you can make them sit there, but you can't push for them.  I give her laxatives, but she holds it in still.  It is an exhausting battle.  One that I have to just start over with a new day and do a better job of seeing that she tries every day.

I have to remember that she is a child with Aspergers and with that comes some amazing qualities, but there are also some things that we just have to push though and get creative with.

Most of all, like all moms, I need to do a better job of reading my battery meter.  When that sucker starts running low - I need to plug in to a rechargeable source.

Sunshine and lollipops

Today is a BEAUTIFUL day!
This morning I sent husband off to work on his motorcycle and then got ready to take on the day.  Since the weather is supposed to peek above 70, I thought capri's were in order.  I couldn't find my old faithful denim ones, so I kept digging when I found a pair that hadn't fit in 2 years.  I thought about trying them on, but then thought, "why depress myself before 7am?"  I had decided on pants, which was depressing so I threw caution to the wind and tried on the long lost capris.  The last time I tried them on (august) the buttons couldn't even see each other, forget coming together.  Today was different... they went on with ease!!!  WaHOOOOO!  Rock star moment.  Hips and butt are down a few inches, tummy is still all over, but hey - it's a start.

The girls woke up happy and content - looking forward to the Jump-a-thon at school.  I totally dropped the ball there, but the important thing is that they will still be there to jump their lil hearts out and have fun in the sun.

It had been a while since I escaped to the coffee place to relax and enjoy so after dropping the girls off I thought I would head that way.  I ordered a springy iced tea, and found a table that was free.  It wasn't my "usual" spot, but it'll do.  Just as I got set up, I realized there was no way I could focus or relax.  The amount of LOUD chitter chatter was overwhelming.  SO, I made my way outside.  The breeze is a bit much, but I am loving this sunshine.

I love spring and fall.  They both excite me.  In the fall it's a fresh start with school and new suplies and getting organized with schedules and new routines.  Spring is the anticipation of everything new.  New buds on the trees, fresh air, new flip flops and fresh toe nail color.  We shed off the stink of winter and cabin fever and press on face towards the sun soaking in all the vitamin D we can.

The In-laws are coming tomorrow and there is work to be done to prepare, but who could stay home in side with all this yummy weather!!!  I'll be sure to slip home mid day and wash the sheets and accomplish a few things before the kids get home, but then their lil booty will be outside, riding bikes and whatever else they can do before the day is through.

Spring is appropriately named, don't you think?  The weather alone puts a pep in your step and a smile on your face.

Is old school Bad school?

I love technology.
I support and advocate for technology in the schools.  My children have their own computer and we encourage them to do more than just play games and shop.  We teach them how to use different systems and be creative.

Okay - so that's my disclaimer.

My concern is this... Are we going to far?

A few nights ago my 10yr old was complaining that her sister was taking too long on the computer and I wouldn't let her use mine.  She said she could not complete her homework because she NEEDED the computer.  I asked what she had to do on the computer and her answer made me laugh.

"Mom, I have to figure out the definitions for these words!"  I suggested she use a dictionary and she looked at me like I had lost my mind.

"You are not serious!"
"yes, yes I am. We have two dictionaries in the office, go get one and look the words up."

"MOM - that is crazy! I can just type the words on the computer and it will tell me the definition. It will take me forever to look up ALL these words!"  (she had 7 words to define)

This conversation went on and on then..

"MOM, (said with the desperation of speaking to a crazy person) in the future there won't even BE dictionaries! I'll just talk to the computer and it will tell me the definition."

At this point I am laughing and talking with a friend who in unison we say "when we were 10 the future held flying cars and you wouldn't have to cook dinner, you would swallow a pill that had all you needed"

I of course followed with "but here I am driving on 4 wheels and cooking your dinner.  The future isn't as close as you would like - look up the words and while you're looking you may discover a new word."

Shaking her head and waving her hands lugging the giant, dusty, dictionary she says"I don't know why you are making me do this - did you go to school with this Webster guy or something?"  Buy this point the conversation had gone so far, I couldn't even take her seriously.

Remember when.... You were told how to treat a book.  Don't crack the spine! Don't fold the pages!  Be careful where you keep your books.  Don't eat while you read, you'll mess the pages.  The thrill of getting a new book.  The smell.  The crackle of opening the cover. The adventure that awaited you on the pages.  The respect.  If you had a question - you went to a book.  Remember Encyclopedias?

Yes, computers have made life easier - especially if you have a Mac. (sorry, selfish plug) Very few own encyclopedias.  We don't.  The internet is an instant resource at your fingertips.  However, our children are still tested to know what a Dictionary, Thesaurus, and an Encyclopedia are.  The test that they take on... a computer.

This year our school will be taking the Standards of Learning tests on the computer.  Computers that fail to work half the time. (PC's of course).  In order to practice these test taking skills, they take their subject tests on the computers.  It's nice that the teachers get instant results.  They no longer have to lug home stacks of papers to grade.

What concerns me is how do our children learn from their mistakes?  Remember taking a test, and when you got your test back, you had to look through to see which items you answered incorrectly?  What was the purpose in that? To learn from your mistakes.  Now my girls bring home a form that says D2 scored a "B" on the Economics test.  When D2 is asked "What kind of questions did you miss?"  She has no idea.

Your child bombs a math test with greater than & less than.  Since the teacher sees the raw score - they don't see that Susie got the symbols confused.  That Johnny transposed the numbers.  All Johnny and Susie know is that they bombed the test.  They don't know why.

Last night I reviewed D1's Math homework.  She made silly mistakes.  Here is a child who is tested as brilliant, years above grade level, gifted, and is bored in school.  She blows through her work b/c "it's easy".  Funny thing is, in her boredom, she makes careless mistakes.  9-3=2... um no.  She doesn't take the time to check her work.  When she gets her paper back and has a 'B', she is okay with that because a 'B' isn't bad.  Daddy and I are unreasonable because we give her that "seriously? you got a B on this" look.  We don't expect straight A's.  However, when she gets that 'B' because she forgot to carry the one, or answer the question all together... yeah, Momma has a problem with that.

This morning I explained to D1, I don't want her to ever just settle.  So she got a B when she could have easily pulled off an A.  I told her that all those B's would amount to a solid B on her report card and she said "a B isn't bad mom".  Sorry kiddo, it is when you earned that B because your being lazy.  Maybe I was extreme, but I went on to say how settling for a grade would lead to a life of settling.  So you settle for a lower grade then you are capable of.. do you then settle for friends, settle for a husband, settle for a job, settle for a life style.  When you have amazing potential... do you settle for less?

Learning from mistakes.  Doing the work.  Going the extra distance.  Asking questions.  Taking time to search for answers.  Not just settling.  Are these all things of the past.  Or I am just part of a generation now that looks at young children and complains about how easy they have it compared to when we were young?  I know we didn't have it as bad as our elders... but to completely toss aside life looking for the easy path and working so hard to resist other avenues... seems foolish.

I love technology.  But when it replaces fundamentals?  I love my dishwasher, but when it's broken or I live in a country without one, I still know how to wash the dishes.

I love that my children know how to use the computer to learn what they need to know, but I don't think it is absurd to expect them to know how to open a book and learn the knowledge they seek.

(stepping off soapbox)

Spring Fever

Happy Valentines Day

““A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” - John 13:34-35

Valentines day means many different things to many different people.  Some people LIVE for this day.  Completely filled with the need and the desire for the flowers, balloons, cards, fancy dinner, and everything else that can be marketed.   I have some single friends that dress in black and protest this day to the fullest.  Who says that Valentines day is only for couples?  Who says that Valentines day is only for lovers?  


This morning I came across the verse shown above and thought - Valentines Day is about love.  We are commanded to love each other.  Yes, some people are easier to love then others, but still we are told to love.  Now there is a little word with a HEAVY meaning.  L-O-V-E.  It's one of those words that people say lightly.  It gets abused.  People toss it around and apply it to so many things, that it begins to loose it's intensity.  I love my husband. *smile* I love caramel brule' latte.  Is that the same kind of love?  Maybe sometimes...kidding.  Now don't think I am going to go all deep with this concept.  I've had too much caffeine and a huge pile of laundry waiting for me.  


Of course the word 'love' can have many meanings - but to sum it all up I prefer the word as a verb:  to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for.


I love sunshine.  I love the sound of my children laughing.  I love the smell of my man after his shower.  I love the taste of my caramel brule' late right now.


Today I am thinking about my friends.  I have posted before about the value of friendship.  True friendship.  The word friend is another one of those words that gets tossed about.  Last week a friend of mine (we'll call her Sally) was, in my opinion, abused by one of her 'friends'.  Now I would argue that this woman is clearly not a friend to Sally.  If we follow the rule that 'friendship should be easy', then this friend gets a FAIL.  Sally left her friend feeling hurt, frustrated, angry, disrespected, confused, and betrayed.  Not cool.  I was hurt for my friend.  When she called me I could hear the hurt in her voice - so I did what I thought a friend should do.  I went to her house and listened.  I helped her with a bottle of wine.  I tossed aside my evening, my plans, to be a friend.  I treasure my friendship with her.  Hopefully she left that evening feeling loved and cared for.


In a time where we are all in such a hurry.  A time that is filled with competition,  deadlines, and what we "should" be doing", are we loosing sight of what is important?  Friendship. Love. Loving friends, and loving your friends.  


Today is about LOVE.  Be sure to tell your friends you love them.  I'm going to do that now...

9 is Cool

It finally happened.  D2 is officially 9 years old.  She is 9 years full of amazement!

13 February 2002 at 11:20 am, D2 zoomed her way into the world and into our hearts.  My pregnancy with her was completely unexpected.  After all, D1 was about 6 months old.  It was Husbands first fathers day when I said to him... "honey, we're pregnant...again".  Wow.  Nothing says happy fathers day like that!  From conception D2 was on the go.  I never wondered if she was okay in the womb.  She was always kicking, stretching, and I am pretty sure she was getting her groove on dancing away.  Is it any wonder she came early?  I didn't need one reminder that no two children were the same because nothing was the same between she and her big sister.  D1 is calm and relaxed... D2 is on fire and ready to take on ... everything!

Years of keeping us guessing.  So silly, full of life, and interesting perspectives.  She keeps us on our toes.  We used to joke when she was little that she was filled with many CEO qualities.  Her need for order, her amazing ability to remember things, her individual thinking, her tenacity, and her genuineness are all things that make her so lovable.

Although my heart is sometimes heavy where she is concerned, she is one of the people in my life that can make me smile like no other.  Her belly laughs are infectious.  And she can snuggle like none other.  

D2 is so smart, so smart that we sometimes forget that she is still a little girl.  With the discovery of Aspergers and learning how it applies to D2's daily functioning, we try to remember to have fun.  It's so easy to become burdened with trying to have all the answers and figure out the right things to do and say.  The hard thing - the hard thing is to remember to just let go and have fun.  Where ever she is, to drop everything and meet her where she is.  Every moment is a new moment.  One moment may be full of tears, the next will be filled with hugs and kisses.  We constantly have to remember to keep hitting our "refresh" button on our screen of emotions.  Husband is convinced that the reason God makes children sleep so much is so we can look at them in a sweet innocent state and fall in love with them all over again.  

D2 in a word is delightful.  To list her every quality would cause the music playing on this blog to loop over and over.  So just know that if you were to meet D2, you would never forget her.  And for those who have taken the time to get to know her - she will forever be in your heart.  In an place all her own, in a way different from any one else.  

D2, you are my delight and I love you with my every breath.

ice ice baby..

Yet another 2 day school week comes to an end.  We had a crazy storm blow through here on Wednesday and left everything icy and a mess.  The schools closed down for the remainder of the week.  What to do?  Oh, take pictures.
Here are just a few I have ready to post - the rest are on the way...

Groundhog Day

Remember this movie?
Bill Murray is a weather man who has to cover the sacred event for the fourth year in a row.  He's pretty bitter about the assignment and makes no effort in hiding his discontent.  The next day he wakes up only to discover he has to relive that day over again.  Then the next day, and the next day....

I was reminded of this movie this morning as the alarm went off at 5:15.  Husband hit the snooze button until 5:34 when we roll out of bed.  He goes to get ready for work and I head downstairs to make coffee, pack lunches, and get ready for the day.  I send off Husband, and climb upstairs listening to my own theme music play in my head.  It's sounds like the music to JAWS.  I get myself ready for the day, then watch the second hand on the clock move closer and closer to 6:45. duh dun... duh dun... I take a deep breath and say yet another prayer that today will be a different day.

First I wake D1, she doesn't want to get out of her warm bed.  Who could blame her?  She does though, making small talk about the weather and what she has going on.  Then I put on my best face and go into D2's room.  I turn on a lamp that gradually gets brighter.  I've learned NOT to turn on any sudden sources of light.  I speak softly and even try to be a little playful.  No matter.  Even though there are some soft giggles and a smile, they quickly fade.  Giggles turn into shouts and grunts.  Smiles turn into angry eyes.  Arms used to hug and hold hands quickly turn and begin to hit and throw anything within reach.

Sometimes I muddle through these days.  After all not EVERY day is like this.  Last week went pretty well.  OH, they only had school 2 days last week.  hmm.  So, maybe I should say not all days are bad.  Some are just more horrific than others?

So far this week we are 2 for 2.

Yesterday I was thinking about the morning.  How even though it seemed as though we were set for success, (clothes out, plenty of sleep..) the morning crumbled after the words "Good morning..".  It's easy to fool ourselves and think "oh, today was bad b/c it was ____ (fill in with your choice.. Monday, not good sleeping, not feeling well, lights were too bright, out of muffins, the wind was blowing to the west...) BUT the reality is... THIS IS MY LIFE.  This behavior is not going away.  Yes we are learning together from the 'experts' about how to handle things, however, the reality is.. this is my life.  My numbness level has to go up yet another notch.  I know it will get better.  Not like a cold gets better.  This isn't something that will simply pass.  This is a process.  A very long, sad, painful, lonely, emotionally draining process.

Coming to terms that my child doesn't just have a behavior problem, but rather has a mental disability... that's a tough one.  Thank God she has ADHD along with the Autism.  The medication that she takes just before she goes to school, helps her behave and be loved by her teachers.  I am jealous of them.  They get the best of her and don't even know it.  But for how long?  How long till this pill isn't doing it's job and we have to move on?

One skill at a time.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  One drink at a time.  Okay, just kidding about that last line.  Kinda.

I wouldn't for one moment change D2.  I wouldn't wish my life to be without her.  I just pray for the strength and direction to be a good parent to her without loosing my mind in the meantime.

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend has been delightful.  Nice and relaxing.  D1 had a sleepover Friday night and D2 was thrilled to have us all to herself.  I think it was a bit overwhelming for her though, she was so torn with all the wonderful things she wanted to do, but our time was limited and the clock didn't slow down at all.

Saturday was nice.  We each enjoyed doing things together and separately.  For a bit D1 was designing clothes on the computer, D2 was watching a movie, husband was working on school work, and I was milling about with this and that, interrupting husband with my thoughts on the world.  Which alway intrigue him. ;-)

That afternoon we sat down to a great game of Clue.  I love this game.  My family likes it, but they don't like how competitive I am.  I can't help it, I just love these type of logic puzzle games.  D2 was really getting into the game and was Sooooo close to making her accusation when the die was 1 number shy of letting her into a room.  D1 had complained how much she didn't like the game, how bored she was, how it was sooooo hard.  She then goes into a room, and makes an accusation and was right.  Game over.  The look on D2's face was crushing.  She was working so hard to put her clues together and then her sister swept the rug from under her.  Oh well.

We played 2 games of clue and then each took some time to read, play legos, do art, or whatever we wanted.  My friend Tammy showed me this great puzzle called 100 alligators and a purse.  There are all different ones, but the one I have is 100 Mice and a Piece of Cheese.  It's a pretty fun Puzzle and has been taking up space on our dining room table since Christmas.  By the end of the day, all four of us were rather intense working on this puzzletill after 9pm.  It was the highlight of the day.  NO technology required.  Well, there was the iPod playing, but other than that.... After the girls were in bed, Husband and I continued until it was finished.  I loved that time with him.

Today we continue on.  Some are working on puzzles, reading, and creating.  The plan is to continue to relax today.  Gearing up for a very busy week ahead.  The weather outside is freezing and the house is working hard to keep us warm.  I ventured to Wal-Mart and purchased some electric blankets on clearance and so we are all snuggled and relaxing.

I just heard the TV come on and it kind of makes me sad.  Oh well.  It was bound to happen.  Besides football starts soon, and we'll all be plopped in front to the TV then anyway.  Except for D1, she's not a fan.

I loved our "unplugged" weekend.  Playing games, reading, creating, and best of all communicating.  No stress of the Monday thru Friday things that eat away at our souls.

How was your weekend?

Happy New Year.. time to kick it all in gear

Welcome 2011!

This will be a year of discovery and lots of education.
On Dec 15th we learned that D2 has a diagnoses of ADHD, Asperger's, and Anxiety.

Deep breath.

At first I was relieved.  I felt validated as a mother.  That I KNEW my child.  I knew that she was dealing with more than just the ADHD.  I knew that there was something that made up all the things that the ADHD didn't cover.

I learned that there were things that she was doing at earlier ages, that I just didn't put together with Autism.  Now we look back and have many "ah-ha" moments.  Moments that all of a sudden make sense.  Daily things that seem crazy - now seem normal when we look through the Autism lens.

After my relief, I then felt horribly sad.  Sad that things were so hard for her.  Sad that I had missed so many clues.  Sad that I pushed the "suck it up & toughen up" attitude on what seemed like little things.  I even went so far as to think this was somehow all my fault.  That D2 having ADHD & Autism was because of me.

Her matter of fact attitude.  Her sensitivity to sounds and smells.  Her blunt comments.  Her struggles with writing and her lack of letter structure.  Her lack of friends.  Withdrawing from crowds, obsessing about the rules, routines, and her crazy desire to please everyone.  It all makes sense now.

I'm doing much better now.  Well, today.  Two days ago I was a mess.  Trying to understand, trying to learn how to be the mother she needs me to be.  Trying to help her sister understand and stop annoying her just for fun.  Then there is Husband.  The most amazing man in my world.  How do I be a mother to D1, D2, and a good wife to him?

Did you know that 80% of parents with special needs children divorce!  WHAT???  That is crazy.  I understand it though.  Every single bit of research that I do says "be sure to take care of yourself", "take care of your spouse", "take a time out, grown up time".  I know all these things and have encouraged many moms to do the same.  How did I forget that?  Everything I read is about ADHD and ASD.  I am even reading a fiction book... about a boy with ASD.  Okay - so that doesn't count.  I get on the computer and google about D2's Dx.  I check my facebook and look for others going through the same things I am.

I have learned that being the mom of a special needs child can be very lonely at times.

Since D2 is medicated during the day for the ADHD, the teachers get the best of her.  They get her controlled and focused.  They think I am a loon when I express my concerns.  As I have blogged before she is a different child in the mornings and evenings than she is during the day.  I have also learned that other children with ASD become very good at "holding it together" through out the day and when they get home, in an environment that they feel safe, they let it all go.  That is when the tantrums, hitting, yelling, and all the things that no one likes to talk about - THAT is when all those things happen.  That is when life is the loneliest.

Through this new land, I remind myself that I was chosen.  I was chosen from all the other moms in the world to be her mother.  She was chosen for me.  A wise woman told me yesterday... I need to remember to thank God for her being in my life.  I am embarrassed to say I needed to be reminded.  Not that I ever wished other wise, but it gives me a new perspective.  I must admit though, many of my prayers have been along the lines of "how in the world do I be a good mother to her".  She deserves so much, and I pray that I can be enough to give her all she needs.